Second. Nate.
Hate to break it to you (babe, but I'm not drowning, there's no one here to save, la la la la la, wait, I'm supposed to be writing, oops. Well now that will be in my head for three weeks....)
Hate to break it to you, babe, but I think you already know the answers to your own internal fears.
Example A - " I generally only flirted with guys I was genuinely attracted to, and was simply nice to everyone else." Except that you were attracted to a lot of people who you never actually intended to do anything with, and were unwilling (or perhaps genuinely naive) as to the likelihood of them reciprocating these affections, and so you flirted with many people, thinking 'Hey, you're attractive. And you, too. And you. Luckily no harm will come from all of this flirting, because I know none of you like me, so none of you will even notice that I'm flirting with lots of people, because none of you pay any attention to the fact that I'm flirting with several different, attractive people.' Ok, I know, that was rude, and I apologize. I'm mainly just leaving it in to see what your reaction is like. Because I do, honestly believe that you didn't think any of them would reciprocate.
Example B - "so I flirt with Nate a sickening amount. Even I will say that." You asked me to name examples. Any examples I name, you'll just challenge. So sticking only with examples you, yourself have acknowledged, we have Max, Nate, and Vargo.
Example C - "But I've gotten to this weird place in which I will cheerfully flirt with anyone that is decent-looking but more importantly, really wants me to flirt with them." Ummm...kind of proves their point.
Example D - "I get on such power trips with boys." Proving their point more....
Example E - "They should never, ever let me know that anything I'm doing is having an effect on them. Unless, of course, they're eager to see me gleefully abuse that power just because I enjoy knowing that they want me." You are, at this point, offering their argument stronger supporting facts and concrete evidence than any they have yet managed to conceive themselves.
And to cap it all off:
Example F - " I never flirt with boys with the express purpose of getting anything, except...for funsies, I suppose." To guys, there is rarely funsies. There is generally purpose. Not when guys flirt...obviously guys have a TOTAL double-standard in this regard. But in how guys interpret girls flirting. Definitely. (And in case you're wondering, I totally wrote interpretate the first time I went through this)
Anyway....
"I can't imagine you really enjoy hearing all the ins and outs of how my everpresent whoring continues to evolve."
Even have a journal entry dedicated to this very point. Ok, less of a journal entry and more of a journal line. But still. The fact that so many of our conversations include things about all of your boy toys did make it into my journal.
"I find that not only do I have ABSOLUTELY no idea what or who I want, ever (and certainly no idea of how to wait for what I want, if I discover it), I'm tromping all over boys with very little concern about what it does to them as I try to discover it."
Sounds like you need to give yourself some of the counseling you tried to give to Heather.
And final thought (even though I know you gave up on this email ages ago), 'I've flirted so much I no longer know whether or not I like him,' if possibly the worst reason ever discovered in the history of reasons to continue down any path, friendly flirting or otherwise, with Nate. Especially in lieu of your 'I'm going to have relationships,' 'No, I'm not,' 'Yes, I am,' constant circling.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Nate Saga Continues
(August 8, 2011)
I don't suppose you have any substantial foundation for that "you view flirting as far more innocent than boys do" comment, do you? By that I mean: "this person felt like you were genuinely into him when I know for a fact you were flirting recreationally". Because if you've any tales of that nature, I'd really like to hear them. If for no other reason than that I'm still attempting to fairly assess just how correct Nate and Cade were about me.
Haha, actually, funny things to share as regards Nate Brown. First of all, my dad dated his mom in high school. I think I genuinely cried tears of mirth on this discovery. This world is infinitesimally small. This second bit, though....I haven't told anyone this yet. You might be the only person I tell, actually, and you should feel incredibly loved that I would choose to do that :) Or, you know, thank the fact that you're half a world away and cannot really share this with anyone who'd care, but let's go with the first. Ha, so I flirt with Nate a sickening amount. Even I will say that. See, he may be correct that my flirting is out of hand now. In high school, I generally only flirted with guys I was genuinely attracted to, and was simply nice to everyone else. But I've gotten to this weird place in which I will cheerfully flirt with anyone that is decent-looking but more importantly, really wants me to flirt with them. I'm getting annoyingly good at being able to tell who wants me. Not that that's even a very long list, mind you. But I'm becoming a rather grotesquely egotistical person as a result. And I get a major high from flirting with guys who want me.
So, you see, Nate may have been right about me after all.
But the true clencher in all of this business is that Nate happens to be someone who fits into the above category. That being: almost someone I'd be attracted to and decidedly interested. And I've never met anyone who reacts better to my fliritng in my entire life. He does this noise of exasperation all the time and is constantly saying things like, "Oh my, you know exactly what you're doing right now. Don't even play all innocent with me." and "You are way too good at this." and "Gross, you practice that face in the mirror, don't you." He really has no idea what cataclysmically stupid things these are to say to me. I get on such power trips with boys. They should never, ever let me know that anything I'm doing is having an effect on them. Unless, of course, they're eager to see me gleefully abuse that power just because I enjoy knowing that they want me. Funny thing, I don't even use it to get anything. I never flirt with boys with the express purpose of getting anything, except an ego boost or the boy themselves (or for funsies, I suppose). But Nate....gah. He makes it too easy. And he'll even half say, ALL THE TIME, that he thinks I'm super attractive. THIS IS SUCH A BAD IDEA WITH ME!!!!
(Caveat to the "I'm such a good, non-manipulative person" - that does have an exception. I did, in fact, flirt Nate into telling me who warned him about me. Only time I've done it on purpose, I swear.)
Anyway, geez, that was a frickload of buildup, what I'm saying is that I've flirted with Nate to such an extent that I don't know, anymore, whether I want him or not. Originally, I was one hundred percent certain that that was a no, but now, I've actually managed to flirt myself out of knowing whether I like him or not. I think it has something to do with an overthrow of cognitive dissonance or something. Anyhow, I was flirting with him so aggressively last night that he had what was, by all account, fifty kinds of enormous green lights to kiss me. Yup. The only reason I didn't kiss Nate last night was because he has more self control than I do. Sigh. This evening was naturally followed by a texting conversation in which I was like, "Uh, so....I know I spit out all kinds of contorted denial when you call me a player...and you're still wrong....but, um....you should probably be really careful. Kinda like tonight. Keep that up. Please don't trust me. Please."
And he laughed at me.
I don't really know why I'm telling you all this. I can't imagine you really enjoy hearing all the ins and outs of how my everpresent whoring continues to evolve :P It just happens to be the most pressing concern of my life at present.
If you have thoughts, I'd really appreciate them. Mostly, I'm just disturbed because I always used to think that the problem resided in the fact that no one ever wanted me. But now, I find that not only do I have ABSOLUTELY no idea what or who I want, ever (and certainly no idea of how to wait for what I want, if I discover it), I'm tromping all over boys with very little concern about what it does to them as I try to discover it.
I don't suppose you have any substantial foundation for that "you view flirting as far more innocent than boys do" comment, do you? By that I mean: "this person felt like you were genuinely into him when I know for a fact you were flirting recreationally". Because if you've any tales of that nature, I'd really like to hear them. If for no other reason than that I'm still attempting to fairly assess just how correct Nate and Cade were about me.
Haha, actually, funny things to share as regards Nate Brown. First of all, my dad dated his mom in high school. I think I genuinely cried tears of mirth on this discovery. This world is infinitesimally small. This second bit, though....I haven't told anyone this yet. You might be the only person I tell, actually, and you should feel incredibly loved that I would choose to do that :) Or, you know, thank the fact that you're half a world away and cannot really share this with anyone who'd care, but let's go with the first. Ha, so I flirt with Nate a sickening amount. Even I will say that. See, he may be correct that my flirting is out of hand now. In high school, I generally only flirted with guys I was genuinely attracted to, and was simply nice to everyone else. But I've gotten to this weird place in which I will cheerfully flirt with anyone that is decent-looking but more importantly, really wants me to flirt with them. I'm getting annoyingly good at being able to tell who wants me. Not that that's even a very long list, mind you. But I'm becoming a rather grotesquely egotistical person as a result. And I get a major high from flirting with guys who want me.
So, you see, Nate may have been right about me after all.
But the true clencher in all of this business is that Nate happens to be someone who fits into the above category. That being: almost someone I'd be attracted to and decidedly interested. And I've never met anyone who reacts better to my fliritng in my entire life. He does this noise of exasperation all the time and is constantly saying things like, "Oh my, you know exactly what you're doing right now. Don't even play all innocent with me." and "You are way too good at this." and "Gross, you practice that face in the mirror, don't you." He really has no idea what cataclysmically stupid things these are to say to me. I get on such power trips with boys. They should never, ever let me know that anything I'm doing is having an effect on them. Unless, of course, they're eager to see me gleefully abuse that power just because I enjoy knowing that they want me. Funny thing, I don't even use it to get anything. I never flirt with boys with the express purpose of getting anything, except an ego boost or the boy themselves (or for funsies, I suppose). But Nate....gah. He makes it too easy. And he'll even half say, ALL THE TIME, that he thinks I'm super attractive. THIS IS SUCH A BAD IDEA WITH ME!!!!
(Caveat to the "I'm such a good, non-manipulative person" - that does have an exception. I did, in fact, flirt Nate into telling me who warned him about me. Only time I've done it on purpose, I swear.)
Anyway, geez, that was a frickload of buildup, what I'm saying is that I've flirted with Nate to such an extent that I don't know, anymore, whether I want him or not. Originally, I was one hundred percent certain that that was a no, but now, I've actually managed to flirt myself out of knowing whether I like him or not. I think it has something to do with an overthrow of cognitive dissonance or something. Anyhow, I was flirting with him so aggressively last night that he had what was, by all account, fifty kinds of enormous green lights to kiss me. Yup. The only reason I didn't kiss Nate last night was because he has more self control than I do. Sigh. This evening was naturally followed by a texting conversation in which I was like, "Uh, so....I know I spit out all kinds of contorted denial when you call me a player...and you're still wrong....but, um....you should probably be really careful. Kinda like tonight. Keep that up. Please don't trust me. Please."
And he laughed at me.
I don't really know why I'm telling you all this. I can't imagine you really enjoy hearing all the ins and outs of how my everpresent whoring continues to evolve :P It just happens to be the most pressing concern of my life at present.
If you have thoughts, I'd really appreciate them. Mostly, I'm just disturbed because I always used to think that the problem resided in the fact that no one ever wanted me. But now, I find that not only do I have ABSOLUTELY no idea what or who I want, ever (and certainly no idea of how to wait for what I want, if I discover it), I'm tromping all over boys with very little concern about what it does to them as I try to discover it.
Unimportant Email
(August 1, 2011)
The most peculiar development I have to report (and the one on which I'd most desire your thoughts) is that I talked to Cade and Nate for hours on end last night. Be warned, before I share this particular anecdote, that this is basically me being defensive and all self-righteously indignant at accusations made. I really hope that you'll concur that they are wrong. But if you do not....I will need you to set me straight. There's really just a lot hanging on this.
See Nate, upon meeting me, was apparently under the strong impression that I'm a player. No, seriously. He told Cade (and later me, when I asked him to relay this) that I just seem like a girl who knows she's ridiculously good looking and uses those good looks to get under boys' skin and just ruthlessly mess with their emotions. I made great efforts to convince Nate that he couldn't be more wrong (although I was enormously, if shallowly, flattered that he'd think I was good looking enough to be capable of this). Our conversation last night began with a friendly discussion on the matter. I was trying to give evidence to the contrary. He simply didn't believe that I'd never had a boyfriend, although he ended up twisting that into simply more evidence that I'm a player - fourteen boys kissed and not one a relationship. He was super annoying about not believing that boys didn't want me in high school, either. I so wished that I could have had boys like Colton and Mike and basically any number of boys in your little crowd around to help me out. They are the epitome of boys in high school: to them, I was insufferable and mildly repugnant. And freaking Nate refused to believe that this was the case!! And he kept acting as though I was some kind of manipulative harpy!!! It was so frustrating. I ended up telling all sorts of things about making out with douchebags and problems with my brother, in effort to help him understand that I'm not that way, that I don't really like the way things in my past have gone down and I make every effort not to hurt anyone else, even if, yes, I do go to similarly astronomical lengths to avoid getting hurt myself. One of my number one life rules is never, ever, ever to lead boys on if it is avoidable. Yet here he was accusing me of making it not only a habit, but a favored pastime.
The saddest part is that for all that sharing, he still didn't believe that I'm not a player. He and Cade just kept saying that I flirt way too much and that I hurt boys' feelings all the time. Can I get some back up here? I don't have that kind of power!!! Boys don't generally like me that much!! I have hurt very very few boys in my time! Yes, it has happened, and I will accept responsibility for those times that it has, but for the most part, I can do what I want with impunity!! Make out with them? Flirt with them? Cuddle with them? They all act as though they're doing me favors by allowing these things to go on. They certainly aren't upset when I tromp out of their lives. Well, lately, I suppose, they have been, but the last year has been something like a freak accident of my dating career.
I'm sorry, the indignation continues. The other perplexing thing is that they kept talking about how "everyone" apparently knew that I made out with lots of guys in high school. Dude. None of our friends knew. I swear when I mentioned that I'd kissed more than five people in Mexico, they all looked at me with a decidedly unflattering degree of astonishment. Yes, I can actually find more than five people I know who are not opposed to the idea of locking lips with me. I know just how hard that is to believe for you, but can you please try to suspend disbelief long enough to entertain the idea that not everyone finds me insufferable?
Sorry. I don't even know how, exactly, I'd like you to respond. You probably won't, anyway, I honestly don't have the greatest of hopes for you reading this at all. But if you'd like to agree... I mean, if you do agree....I'd appreciate that. And if you have commentary to offer, that would be more appreciated. The reason that this is so important is that maybe they are correct...in a way. Obviously I'm not a player. But certainly the flirting...I should cut back. If for nothing other than "it makes you look like a dumb girl, especially at our age," as Cade says. Ouch.
And yes, I know I didn't handle the Max thing of last summer, the Brian thing of this spring, or the Vargo thing particularly well. But still.
The most peculiar development I have to report (and the one on which I'd most desire your thoughts) is that I talked to Cade and Nate for hours on end last night. Be warned, before I share this particular anecdote, that this is basically me being defensive and all self-righteously indignant at accusations made. I really hope that you'll concur that they are wrong. But if you do not....I will need you to set me straight. There's really just a lot hanging on this.
See Nate, upon meeting me, was apparently under the strong impression that I'm a player. No, seriously. He told Cade (and later me, when I asked him to relay this) that I just seem like a girl who knows she's ridiculously good looking and uses those good looks to get under boys' skin and just ruthlessly mess with their emotions. I made great efforts to convince Nate that he couldn't be more wrong (although I was enormously, if shallowly, flattered that he'd think I was good looking enough to be capable of this). Our conversation last night began with a friendly discussion on the matter. I was trying to give evidence to the contrary. He simply didn't believe that I'd never had a boyfriend, although he ended up twisting that into simply more evidence that I'm a player - fourteen boys kissed and not one a relationship. He was super annoying about not believing that boys didn't want me in high school, either. I so wished that I could have had boys like Colton and Mike and basically any number of boys in your little crowd around to help me out. They are the epitome of boys in high school: to them, I was insufferable and mildly repugnant. And freaking Nate refused to believe that this was the case!! And he kept acting as though I was some kind of manipulative harpy!!! It was so frustrating. I ended up telling all sorts of things about making out with douchebags and problems with my brother, in effort to help him understand that I'm not that way, that I don't really like the way things in my past have gone down and I make every effort not to hurt anyone else, even if, yes, I do go to similarly astronomical lengths to avoid getting hurt myself. One of my number one life rules is never, ever, ever to lead boys on if it is avoidable. Yet here he was accusing me of making it not only a habit, but a favored pastime.
The saddest part is that for all that sharing, he still didn't believe that I'm not a player. He and Cade just kept saying that I flirt way too much and that I hurt boys' feelings all the time. Can I get some back up here? I don't have that kind of power!!! Boys don't generally like me that much!! I have hurt very very few boys in my time! Yes, it has happened, and I will accept responsibility for those times that it has, but for the most part, I can do what I want with impunity!! Make out with them? Flirt with them? Cuddle with them? They all act as though they're doing me favors by allowing these things to go on. They certainly aren't upset when I tromp out of their lives. Well, lately, I suppose, they have been, but the last year has been something like a freak accident of my dating career.
I'm sorry, the indignation continues. The other perplexing thing is that they kept talking about how "everyone" apparently knew that I made out with lots of guys in high school. Dude. None of our friends knew. I swear when I mentioned that I'd kissed more than five people in Mexico, they all looked at me with a decidedly unflattering degree of astonishment. Yes, I can actually find more than five people I know who are not opposed to the idea of locking lips with me. I know just how hard that is to believe for you, but can you please try to suspend disbelief long enough to entertain the idea that not everyone finds me insufferable?
Sorry. I don't even know how, exactly, I'd like you to respond. You probably won't, anyway, I honestly don't have the greatest of hopes for you reading this at all. But if you'd like to agree... I mean, if you do agree....I'd appreciate that. And if you have commentary to offer, that would be more appreciated. The reason that this is so important is that maybe they are correct...in a way. Obviously I'm not a player. But certainly the flirting...I should cut back. If for nothing other than "it makes you look like a dumb girl, especially at our age," as Cade says. Ouch.
And yes, I know I didn't handle the Max thing of last summer, the Brian thing of this spring, or the Vargo thing particularly well. But still.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
So much news that you will never have time for it all AHHHhhhhh
(July 18, 2011)
It is so incredible, the amount of things that have happened this week. You couldn't possibly understand the adrenaline rush of news that has gone down recently (and before you die, and in order to ensure that you listen [read?], the synopsis and deep, probing analysis of HP seven 2 will be forthcoming. Calm down.) I'm going to do my best to cover all points. You will cheerfully judge me as I do so :)
So, firstly, Stephen and I are no more. Quite unsurprisingly. For a brief time there, I thought he'd just been absent from my phone because he was absent in general - he texted me Sunday night and we got together Monday. We'd been talking for a bit about my relationship history and his as well, and I had most unfortunately shared that I had made a goal to stop hooking up, etc. etc. just before he says, "Hey, so here's a question...since we're talking about relationships and stuff..... [...glacial pause, in which I wait on tenterhooks for what will follow that one]....What do you think about...us? About what's going on here?"
Kristen [bemusedly playing with hair in attempt to buy time]: Huh....I don't really know. I mean, it's like I said, I told myself I wouldn't hook up anymore. So as long as we're doing....whatever it is we're doing, I'd like it to be in a direction. We don't have to be in a relationship right now but I'd like that to be the general progress of this. And if that's not what you want, it's probably better if we were just friends.
Stephen [absentmindedly picking at guitar on his lap and avoiding Kristen's eyes nearly so much as she's avoiding his]: Well, here's the thing. I'm really not in a place where I can have a relationship right now. You seem....you just seem to know what you want with the church and everything, and all of that is really solid for you, right?
Kristen [embarrassed at this, which could mean any number of things, including "your pious behavior is annoying"]: Well, really not so good as I probably should be. But yeah, I feel like I know what I want where that's concerned.
Stephen: See, I don't know what I want. And I wouldn't want to be doing something because the person I date is that way, I really want to figure this out for myself and be sure about it. The thing is, if I could figure this out, I'd call you up and we'd try this thing for real. But of course that's not going to happen in like five or six weeks or something.
Kristen [grinning broadly, quite blissfully unaware of how obnoxious she sounds, attempting to lighten the mood]: Really? You can't come to deep, metaphysical conclusions in a matter of weeks? You don't say.
Stephen [graciously laughing at weak humor attempt]: No. But look, I like you. I just don't want to hurt you.
Kristen [getting more and more contemplative and having greater and greater difficulty stringing together words, owing to the uncomfortably personal nature of this conversation and the deeply annoying fact that he cheerfully served that into her court, making her pick between two unpleasant alternatives]: Hmmm.....I don't know.....I like you. I really don't.... like I'm not...partial to the idea of this....ending. I'd really rather not that we be done.
Stephen [quickly, although perhaps not particularly eagerly]: We don't have to stop what's going on, I should say that. I'm really fine with how things are. It's just that if what you want is a relationship...I don't think it's a good idea.
We proceeded to wander to other topics and such, as other people waded in and out of his front room and we grew less able to talk about big deal things :P He finally said that he could take me home to think, and I agreed that that sounded like a good idea. Even though I really knew what my decision should be at that point anyway. I texted him the next day and told him that we should be friends, after freaking out to Heather about how I could think I wanted someone for that long and then not only NOT put up a fight to keep him, but not be particularly perturbed that I wouldn't have him any more. And then quick segue into "seriously, I could swear that I was right about the whole love thing after all!!" Eesh, I'm such a strange creature. Seriously, I'm in my head 24/7 and I don't even get myself.
On to Vegas - one of my best friends from last year got married in Vegas this weekend and Jack and our friend and I went down to see her. We also went shopping like crazy, got amazing sushi, went to Lion King (Which has fall on your face and die amazing music and costumes) had a very very Vegas bachelorette party (that you have absolutely no idea how bad I want to tell you all about but can't because you're a missionary) and went to her wedding. I bawled during the father/daughter dance. It was embarrassing. And the first time Jackie's ever seen me cry :P It was really the best weekend ever. One more time for emphasis: BEST. WEEKEND. EVER. ooo, and I have an awesome henna sun on my hip. La la la la la la.
Some highlights: Traffic was BAD on the strip Friday night, and this girl in a pink bug with rhinestone-studded back emblem cut us off in the worst fashion I've ever seen. A cop on a bike immediately put his lights and siren on and pulled up behind her, but when he got up (we were stopped in traffic) he started walking towards our car. We were distressed. Winnie rolled down the window, and the cop says.....
"Sorry, some people just don't know how to drive."
And then proceeds to pull her over. Mwahahahahahahahahahaha
Also, Jackie's tattoo is of Bob Marley. Jackie is blonde and white as can be. We had our shirts rolled up walking around Mandalay Bay so the henna would dry, and this black lady comes up and starts asking where we got them, and she looks at Jackie's and gets this skeptical look on and says, "Bob Marley? Really?" Bahahaha.
So yes. My week. Hahahaha. I'm awesome.
On to HP :)
You'll forgive me, the awesome that is Vegas may have clouded my memory. Let's see....Lavender dies instead of Colin. Surprising. And sad. Ollivander knows about the Deathly Hallows, and it's dumb. Ron and Hermione's kiss is totally hot and I want me some of Rupert Grint. Harry and Ginny are still gosh awful and lack chemistry more than a pair of dead fish and really just stop no more please you two are painful and put your lips on each other with all the willingness you'd afford kissing a spotty, creepy cousin. I love Bellatrix. Helena Bonham Carter is insanely talented. Voldemort hugs Draco. I'd be outraged at this obvious fallacy, but it's so awkward and funny to watch Voldy attempt it that I accept it.
Neville's actually kind of hot now. I can't even handle it.
Dean remains SMOKING hot. Not news, and you don't care, but seriously. Must be said.
The Mrs. Weasley part is in fact sufficiently awesome.
The Fred dying/Percy returning thing was non-existent.
Harry genuinely looks thirty at the end. Crazy. Ginny has mom hair, but is almost believable, and Ron and Hermione look exactly the same.
Snape's memories include a shot of him keening over the lifeless body of Lily Potter moments after her death as infant Harry wails away in the background. In slow motion. With big, sweeping, drama, cry about me music playing in the background. Too far, boys. TOO FAR.
I LOVE Minerva McGonagall/Maggie Smith. Lovity love love love. Haha, when she calls down the suits of armor, she smiles with relish and says "I've always wanted to try that spell."
Ginny is not awesome enough.
They never fully spell out the Dumbledore past. Oh, and Grindelvald? NOT. Mentioned. Travesty.
Harry breaks the Elder Wand at the end and does not use it to fix his wand. Stupid and made me spend an inordinate amount of time wondering if he just used Draco's old one until the end of time.
Oh, Goyle is either not present for the Fiend Fyre thing or he's both black and skinny now. Bahahaha.
The Helena Ravenclaw thing is ALL. WRONG. I was displeased. It was quite obviously changed to suit time, but still. ANNOYING>
Oh, and instead of the shrieking shack, Voldy camps out at the boat house that Hogwarts apparently has. They've also evidently got a crew team, because Voldemort forces Nagini to kill Snape amongst sculls and paddles and such. No explanation for that. But you know, whatever.
The final battle is pretty awesome. But I found myself perplexed that there were that many death eaters. They've got a bloody army.
The dragon is perfect, I feel.
Haha, when they fall out of the cart while robbing Gringotts and Hermione does a cushioning charm so they don't die, she falls last and the camera has a distinct, gratuitous cleavage shot. Bahardy hardy ha. This one's for you, fan boys.
Oh, and things in the vault just replicate, but they don't burn. It's not as crazy.
I've got more, but I'm concerned you won't get this. Please comment on my life and not just the HP, mmmk?
It is so incredible, the amount of things that have happened this week. You couldn't possibly understand the adrenaline rush of news that has gone down recently (and before you die, and in order to ensure that you listen [read?], the synopsis and deep, probing analysis of HP seven 2 will be forthcoming. Calm down.) I'm going to do my best to cover all points. You will cheerfully judge me as I do so :)
So, firstly, Stephen and I are no more. Quite unsurprisingly. For a brief time there, I thought he'd just been absent from my phone because he was absent in general - he texted me Sunday night and we got together Monday. We'd been talking for a bit about my relationship history and his as well, and I had most unfortunately shared that I had made a goal to stop hooking up, etc. etc. just before he says, "Hey, so here's a question...since we're talking about relationships and stuff..... [...glacial pause, in which I wait on tenterhooks for what will follow that one]....What do you think about...us? About what's going on here?"
Kristen [bemusedly playing with hair in attempt to buy time]: Huh....I don't really know. I mean, it's like I said, I told myself I wouldn't hook up anymore. So as long as we're doing....whatever it is we're doing, I'd like it to be in a direction. We don't have to be in a relationship right now but I'd like that to be the general progress of this. And if that's not what you want, it's probably better if we were just friends.
Stephen [absentmindedly picking at guitar on his lap and avoiding Kristen's eyes nearly so much as she's avoiding his]: Well, here's the thing. I'm really not in a place where I can have a relationship right now. You seem....you just seem to know what you want with the church and everything, and all of that is really solid for you, right?
Kristen [embarrassed at this, which could mean any number of things, including "your pious behavior is annoying"]: Well, really not so good as I probably should be. But yeah, I feel like I know what I want where that's concerned.
Stephen: See, I don't know what I want. And I wouldn't want to be doing something because the person I date is that way, I really want to figure this out for myself and be sure about it. The thing is, if I could figure this out, I'd call you up and we'd try this thing for real. But of course that's not going to happen in like five or six weeks or something.
Kristen [grinning broadly, quite blissfully unaware of how obnoxious she sounds, attempting to lighten the mood]: Really? You can't come to deep, metaphysical conclusions in a matter of weeks? You don't say.
Stephen [graciously laughing at weak humor attempt]: No. But look, I like you. I just don't want to hurt you.
Kristen [getting more and more contemplative and having greater and greater difficulty stringing together words, owing to the uncomfortably personal nature of this conversation and the deeply annoying fact that he cheerfully served that into her court, making her pick between two unpleasant alternatives]: Hmmm.....I don't know.....I like you. I really don't.... like I'm not...partial to the idea of this....ending. I'd really rather not that we be done.
Stephen [quickly, although perhaps not particularly eagerly]: We don't have to stop what's going on, I should say that. I'm really fine with how things are. It's just that if what you want is a relationship...I don't think it's a good idea.
We proceeded to wander to other topics and such, as other people waded in and out of his front room and we grew less able to talk about big deal things :P He finally said that he could take me home to think, and I agreed that that sounded like a good idea. Even though I really knew what my decision should be at that point anyway. I texted him the next day and told him that we should be friends, after freaking out to Heather about how I could think I wanted someone for that long and then not only NOT put up a fight to keep him, but not be particularly perturbed that I wouldn't have him any more. And then quick segue into "seriously, I could swear that I was right about the whole love thing after all!!" Eesh, I'm such a strange creature. Seriously, I'm in my head 24/7 and I don't even get myself.
On to Vegas - one of my best friends from last year got married in Vegas this weekend and Jack and our friend and I went down to see her. We also went shopping like crazy, got amazing sushi, went to Lion King (Which has fall on your face and die amazing music and costumes) had a very very Vegas bachelorette party (that you have absolutely no idea how bad I want to tell you all about but can't because you're a missionary) and went to her wedding. I bawled during the father/daughter dance. It was embarrassing. And the first time Jackie's ever seen me cry :P It was really the best weekend ever. One more time for emphasis: BEST. WEEKEND. EVER. ooo, and I have an awesome henna sun on my hip. La la la la la la.
Some highlights: Traffic was BAD on the strip Friday night, and this girl in a pink bug with rhinestone-studded back emblem cut us off in the worst fashion I've ever seen. A cop on a bike immediately put his lights and siren on and pulled up behind her, but when he got up (we were stopped in traffic) he started walking towards our car. We were distressed. Winnie rolled down the window, and the cop says.....
"Sorry, some people just don't know how to drive."
And then proceeds to pull her over. Mwahahahahahahahahahaha
Also, Jackie's tattoo is of Bob Marley. Jackie is blonde and white as can be. We had our shirts rolled up walking around Mandalay Bay so the henna would dry, and this black lady comes up and starts asking where we got them, and she looks at Jackie's and gets this skeptical look on and says, "Bob Marley? Really?" Bahahaha.
So yes. My week. Hahahaha. I'm awesome.
On to HP :)
You'll forgive me, the awesome that is Vegas may have clouded my memory. Let's see....Lavender dies instead of Colin. Surprising. And sad. Ollivander knows about the Deathly Hallows, and it's dumb. Ron and Hermione's kiss is totally hot and I want me some of Rupert Grint. Harry and Ginny are still gosh awful and lack chemistry more than a pair of dead fish and really just stop no more please you two are painful and put your lips on each other with all the willingness you'd afford kissing a spotty, creepy cousin. I love Bellatrix. Helena Bonham Carter is insanely talented. Voldemort hugs Draco. I'd be outraged at this obvious fallacy, but it's so awkward and funny to watch Voldy attempt it that I accept it.
Neville's actually kind of hot now. I can't even handle it.
Dean remains SMOKING hot. Not news, and you don't care, but seriously. Must be said.
The Mrs. Weasley part is in fact sufficiently awesome.
The Fred dying/Percy returning thing was non-existent.
Harry genuinely looks thirty at the end. Crazy. Ginny has mom hair, but is almost believable, and Ron and Hermione look exactly the same.
Snape's memories include a shot of him keening over the lifeless body of Lily Potter moments after her death as infant Harry wails away in the background. In slow motion. With big, sweeping, drama, cry about me music playing in the background. Too far, boys. TOO FAR.
I LOVE Minerva McGonagall/Maggie Smith. Lovity love love love. Haha, when she calls down the suits of armor, she smiles with relish and says "I've always wanted to try that spell."
Ginny is not awesome enough.
They never fully spell out the Dumbledore past. Oh, and Grindelvald? NOT. Mentioned. Travesty.
Harry breaks the Elder Wand at the end and does not use it to fix his wand. Stupid and made me spend an inordinate amount of time wondering if he just used Draco's old one until the end of time.
Oh, Goyle is either not present for the Fiend Fyre thing or he's both black and skinny now. Bahahaha.
The Helena Ravenclaw thing is ALL. WRONG. I was displeased. It was quite obviously changed to suit time, but still. ANNOYING>
Oh, and instead of the shrieking shack, Voldy camps out at the boat house that Hogwarts apparently has. They've also evidently got a crew team, because Voldemort forces Nagini to kill Snape amongst sculls and paddles and such. No explanation for that. But you know, whatever.
The final battle is pretty awesome. But I found myself perplexed that there were that many death eaters. They've got a bloody army.
The dragon is perfect, I feel.
Haha, when they fall out of the cart while robbing Gringotts and Hermione does a cushioning charm so they don't die, she falls last and the camera has a distinct, gratuitous cleavage shot. Bahardy hardy ha. This one's for you, fan boys.
Oh, and things in the vault just replicate, but they don't burn. It's not as crazy.
I've got more, but I'm concerned you won't get this. Please comment on my life and not just the HP, mmmk?
Further Birthday Song
(July 10, 2011)
Other things I should mention, I have more thoughts on Stephen. Naturally. Ha, see, I'm sure you're getting heartily sick of hearing about him, but the good news is that I think he may be dropping off my radar. Nothing has changed from the status reported in my last missive - that is, that I haven't heard from him in more than a week now - but I have a rather strong suspicion that this could be the beginning of the very typical phase-out. Could be wrong, of course - I was apparently wrong, previously, in assuming that we were never going anywhere at all and that sort of distant friends was the highest level our interaction would ever achieve, because there was that whole kissing and going on dates thing. But this current lack of talk and such doesn't bode well. I can't decide quite how I feel about it. I think I should be more put out - and I probably will be, when I have more solid evidence that he doesn't particularly want me - but things of this nature of disappointment have happened enough times at this point that I'm kind of over it. It's weird, considering how much and how long I liked him, but....you just get used to not getting what you want. Haha going back to square one almost feels like going home by now :P
Other things I should mention, I have more thoughts on Stephen. Naturally. Ha, see, I'm sure you're getting heartily sick of hearing about him, but the good news is that I think he may be dropping off my radar. Nothing has changed from the status reported in my last missive - that is, that I haven't heard from him in more than a week now - but I have a rather strong suspicion that this could be the beginning of the very typical phase-out. Could be wrong, of course - I was apparently wrong, previously, in assuming that we were never going anywhere at all and that sort of distant friends was the highest level our interaction would ever achieve, because there was that whole kissing and going on dates thing. But this current lack of talk and such doesn't bode well. I can't decide quite how I feel about it. I think I should be more put out - and I probably will be, when I have more solid evidence that he doesn't particularly want me - but things of this nature of disappointment have happened enough times at this point that I'm kind of over it. It's weird, considering how much and how long I liked him, but....you just get used to not getting what you want. Haha going back to square one almost feels like going home by now :P
Birthday Song
(July 8, 2011)
Am I the only one who sings that song anymore? Probably. Hahaha Happy happy happy happy 20th birthday!!!
You're OLD!!!
Haha I miss you tons, I hope you have a crazy awesome birthday. I'm personally going to spend your birthday driving to Wyoming for my grandparents' sixtieth anniversary. Which kind of sounds like it's going to be lame, but is actually going to be UNBELIEVABLY awesome, as it will definitely involve all of my siblings and a road trip, which is my favorite favorite favorite, and will undoubtedly also involve blowing things up and fire and fireworks and all sorts of other pyromaniacal behavior.
Hmmph. The Google doesn't believe pyromaniacal is a word. Pish, tosh. If I say it's a word, it's a word. Also, in case you were curious, The Google believes in the existence of tosh, but not of pish. Intriguing.
Other things I have to say....Let's see. I'm rereading all of the Harry Potters backwards. Not fully backward, just seventh to first. Probably skipping the second, because my sister has stolen our copy and is refusing to return it. Right rude of her, it is. Anyhow, it's remarkable that considering the number of times I've read each of them (and the discomfiting truth is that that number is distinctly into the double digits for several of them, at this point) they are still wildly entertaining. Not to mention enormously preferable to reading anything that's actually supposed to expand my brain, ha ha.
Updates on Stephen, since I know you love to be informed upon the every detail of my gigantically mundane life, he's been in California since last Saturday. He returns tomorrow, but I'm unfortunately gone until Monday. All of this would be unimportant were it not for the fact that he hasn't talked to me since he left. It might be a bad thing, it might not. He generally calls or texts me when it can be a means to hanging out, and not otherwise. I dunno. The jury is out, and I remain unbelievably blase about the whole thing. Really.
Haha the funny thing is that I'm working rather hard to keep my options open. Somewhat counter-intuitively, I like Stephen far too much not to be smart about the way this whole thing is going down. I rather dislike the idea of putting all of my eggs in a basket with such a very tenuous future. Which means that I've about five other boys in whom I have varying levels of interest sticking around and I'm by no means calling them off until Stephen and I are official. For example, I'm being half set up with a friend of a friend. He's charming and funny and such, and we hung out last night. I'm fairly certain that one's interested. It's hard to say for sure, of course, but I swear that my radar for that is generally pretty healthy. If a little overconfident occasionally. Anyhow, there's also this drummer from my old ward, one of Jackie's friends from high school, etc., etc.... Does this make me a bad person? Probably not. I think it's fair to assume that I'm a free agent until anything to the contrary is official discussed, don't you?
Oh, also, I'm concerned that I'm getting more obnoxious. I know, who would have thought it possible for me to be even more insufferable? But truly. I keep hanging out with new people and catching myself being rather irritatingly brash. Oh, peculiar, related story: So the other night, I hung out with Kaitlin and Cade Garlock and Nate Brown. You probably don't know those kids. But they were probably Matt Palmer's two best friends in high school. I know Cade pretty well, and we hang out all the time, but I'd only seen Nate like once or twice prior to hanging out with him Wednesday. Anyhow, I was flirting with Nate rather significantly...because I just do that. When boys are receptive to my flirting, I can't put a lid on it. Seriously. So, yes, I was being outrageously flirtatious and being surprised that Nate remembers things like my last name, etc., and he says, "Oh, I know all kinds of things about you. Haha, people have warned me about you, you know." Which meant that I spent the rest of the night being abjectly mystified as to who in our entire high school would consider me anywhere near man-eating enough to warn people against. Haha it's almost flattering, really. Oh, and the boy also seemed highly skeptical when I announced that I generally make it a practice not to lead boys on, ever. Rude. Flirtation is not leading people on. Pur-lease.
(Also, your reply would be an excellent time for you to A) be as perplexed as I am as to who would promote such peculiarly flattering censure, or B) offer suspects. I'm just saying)
Am I the only one who sings that song anymore? Probably. Hahaha Happy happy happy happy 20th birthday!!!
You're OLD!!!
Haha I miss you tons, I hope you have a crazy awesome birthday. I'm personally going to spend your birthday driving to Wyoming for my grandparents' sixtieth anniversary. Which kind of sounds like it's going to be lame, but is actually going to be UNBELIEVABLY awesome, as it will definitely involve all of my siblings and a road trip, which is my favorite favorite favorite, and will undoubtedly also involve blowing things up and fire and fireworks and all sorts of other pyromaniacal behavior.
Hmmph. The Google doesn't believe pyromaniacal is a word. Pish, tosh. If I say it's a word, it's a word. Also, in case you were curious, The Google believes in the existence of tosh, but not of pish. Intriguing.
Other things I have to say....Let's see. I'm rereading all of the Harry Potters backwards. Not fully backward, just seventh to first. Probably skipping the second, because my sister has stolen our copy and is refusing to return it. Right rude of her, it is. Anyhow, it's remarkable that considering the number of times I've read each of them (and the discomfiting truth is that that number is distinctly into the double digits for several of them, at this point) they are still wildly entertaining. Not to mention enormously preferable to reading anything that's actually supposed to expand my brain, ha ha.
Updates on Stephen, since I know you love to be informed upon the every detail of my gigantically mundane life, he's been in California since last Saturday. He returns tomorrow, but I'm unfortunately gone until Monday. All of this would be unimportant were it not for the fact that he hasn't talked to me since he left. It might be a bad thing, it might not. He generally calls or texts me when it can be a means to hanging out, and not otherwise. I dunno. The jury is out, and I remain unbelievably blase about the whole thing. Really.
Haha the funny thing is that I'm working rather hard to keep my options open. Somewhat counter-intuitively, I like Stephen far too much not to be smart about the way this whole thing is going down. I rather dislike the idea of putting all of my eggs in a basket with such a very tenuous future. Which means that I've about five other boys in whom I have varying levels of interest sticking around and I'm by no means calling them off until Stephen and I are official. For example, I'm being half set up with a friend of a friend. He's charming and funny and such, and we hung out last night. I'm fairly certain that one's interested. It's hard to say for sure, of course, but I swear that my radar for that is generally pretty healthy. If a little overconfident occasionally. Anyhow, there's also this drummer from my old ward, one of Jackie's friends from high school, etc., etc.... Does this make me a bad person? Probably not. I think it's fair to assume that I'm a free agent until anything to the contrary is official discussed, don't you?
Oh, also, I'm concerned that I'm getting more obnoxious. I know, who would have thought it possible for me to be even more insufferable? But truly. I keep hanging out with new people and catching myself being rather irritatingly brash. Oh, peculiar, related story: So the other night, I hung out with Kaitlin and Cade Garlock and Nate Brown. You probably don't know those kids. But they were probably Matt Palmer's two best friends in high school. I know Cade pretty well, and we hang out all the time, but I'd only seen Nate like once or twice prior to hanging out with him Wednesday. Anyhow, I was flirting with Nate rather significantly...because I just do that. When boys are receptive to my flirting, I can't put a lid on it. Seriously. So, yes, I was being outrageously flirtatious and being surprised that Nate remembers things like my last name, etc., and he says, "Oh, I know all kinds of things about you. Haha, people have warned me about you, you know." Which meant that I spent the rest of the night being abjectly mystified as to who in our entire high school would consider me anywhere near man-eating enough to warn people against. Haha it's almost flattering, really. Oh, and the boy also seemed highly skeptical when I announced that I generally make it a practice not to lead boys on, ever. Rude. Flirtation is not leading people on. Pur-lease.
(Also, your reply would be an excellent time for you to A) be as perplexed as I am as to who would promote such peculiarly flattering censure, or B) offer suspects. I'm just saying)
Thursday Email and Joy
(June 30, 2011)
Do not even call me a nerd. Hello, kettle? It's the pot. You're black.
Haha you like working in extremes? My, this is NEWS!!! Stop the presses :P
Wow, we're getting a lot of clipped, vaguely terse sarcastic comments today. Haha I hope you love them. My wit isn't just for everyone, you know.
For his birthday, I made Stephen a CD. I was soundly mocked by my siblings for this particular decision, who desperately wanted to know about the "mixtape of love" I was putting together for him. Really, it wasn't a big deal - I have a fairly decent handle on his music taste, so I went through mine and found things I was pretty certain he didn't have but would definitely appreciate. So, some thought and effort, but minimal funds. All in all, a good decision.
As for the status of our relationship, I think that I could explain it far better than you could glean information about it from what I got him for his birthday :P We're currently in a most peculiar limbo between friends and dating. We haven't directly talked about it, but neither of us wanted to just dive into boyfriend/girlfriendness. I can hear your snort of derisive disbelief that I don't want to dive into a relationship (or perhaps not, you always display an uncanny ability to know me better than I know myself), but seriously, I don't. It's weird. I would have thought that given an opportunity to date someone I both respect and am deeply attracted to, I'd go all barnacle on him and latch on. But actually....I'm really comfortable just figuring this out. I'm not sure that we're a good fit yet.
Related, the time has come for me to wave the white flag and admit defeat. Alright, boys of the past year....you were right in saying that I have issues with commitment. I genuinely thought they were wrong. Truly. But given the fact that I really like Stephen, have had a crush on him for forever, suddenly have prospects with him and something in me is still digging in its heals about actually dating him? Yeah, we're going to have to go with there being some peculiar eccentricity in my paradigm affecting that. There's a lot of things I'm learning about myself with this whole thing that I'd never expected before. Haha, oh, and Stephen doesn't know that I've never really been in a relationship before. I felt it prudent, considering that that would seem to be kind of a big deal. However, it's making discussion of my romantic past somewhat complicated :P
Basically, I don't know exactly what's up with this whole thing....But it's INSANELY different from anything else I've ever had. Most pleasant limbo experience ever :P
Do not even call me a nerd. Hello, kettle? It's the pot. You're black.
Haha you like working in extremes? My, this is NEWS!!! Stop the presses :P
Wow, we're getting a lot of clipped, vaguely terse sarcastic comments today. Haha I hope you love them. My wit isn't just for everyone, you know.
For his birthday, I made Stephen a CD. I was soundly mocked by my siblings for this particular decision, who desperately wanted to know about the "mixtape of love" I was putting together for him. Really, it wasn't a big deal - I have a fairly decent handle on his music taste, so I went through mine and found things I was pretty certain he didn't have but would definitely appreciate. So, some thought and effort, but minimal funds. All in all, a good decision.
As for the status of our relationship, I think that I could explain it far better than you could glean information about it from what I got him for his birthday :P We're currently in a most peculiar limbo between friends and dating. We haven't directly talked about it, but neither of us wanted to just dive into boyfriend/girlfriendness. I can hear your snort of derisive disbelief that I don't want to dive into a relationship (or perhaps not, you always display an uncanny ability to know me better than I know myself), but seriously, I don't. It's weird. I would have thought that given an opportunity to date someone I both respect and am deeply attracted to, I'd go all barnacle on him and latch on. But actually....I'm really comfortable just figuring this out. I'm not sure that we're a good fit yet.
Related, the time has come for me to wave the white flag and admit defeat. Alright, boys of the past year....you were right in saying that I have issues with commitment. I genuinely thought they were wrong. Truly. But given the fact that I really like Stephen, have had a crush on him for forever, suddenly have prospects with him and something in me is still digging in its heals about actually dating him? Yeah, we're going to have to go with there being some peculiar eccentricity in my paradigm affecting that. There's a lot of things I'm learning about myself with this whole thing that I'd never expected before. Haha, oh, and Stephen doesn't know that I've never really been in a relationship before. I felt it prudent, considering that that would seem to be kind of a big deal. However, it's making discussion of my romantic past somewhat complicated :P
Basically, I don't know exactly what's up with this whole thing....But it's INSANELY different from anything else I've ever had. Most pleasant limbo experience ever :P
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Friend Reply
Very rarely, I will post sections of my friend's reply. Today is one of those days.
(May 23, 2011)
I'd set you up with someone like James Williams. He occasionally crosses that line from 'confidence' to 'overbearingly arrogant,' but I was always surprised the two of you didn't date. Ok, I don't know James that well, I could also see him as someone who changes a lot depending on who he's around. So that's no good. But we're thinking in that general direction. That's basically the issue with the guy I mentioned who goes home soon. A good guy, I'd set the two of you up. I'm just a mildly critical person who's quick to notice his self-righteousness...in some situations, and thus disqualify him very quickly.
I enjoy your arrogance. Personally, my goal is to really focus on humility this week. You can imagine how well I do at that game.
You can't just amend a contract halfway through the game. If you committed to a certain amount of flirting, you can't back down over something so inconsequential as other people's feelings.
(May 23, 2011)
I'd set you up with someone like James Williams. He occasionally crosses that line from 'confidence' to 'overbearingly arrogant,' but I was always surprised the two of you didn't date. Ok, I don't know James that well, I could also see him as someone who changes a lot depending on who he's around. So that's no good. But we're thinking in that general direction. That's basically the issue with the guy I mentioned who goes home soon. A good guy, I'd set the two of you up. I'm just a mildly critical person who's quick to notice his self-righteousness...in some situations, and thus disqualify him very quickly.
I enjoy your arrogance. Personally, my goal is to really focus on humility this week. You can imagine how well I do at that game.
You can't just amend a contract halfway through the game. If you committed to a certain amount of flirting, you can't back down over something so inconsequential as other people's feelings.
Life is Joyful/ You Wish You Were as Cool as Me
(June 19, 2011)
I really enjoyed that part in your letter from a while ago about guys you'd set me up with. Haha you have impressively high standards, and I actually think that you'd be quite good at deciding who I'd get along with. I suppose that's not particularly surprising, though, considering that we've known each other for what....like five years now? Almost? Wow. Side note, I've found that it gets really crazy to start thinking about how long ago things in high school were. It seems as though they were all so recent, but really, high school is distinctly moving into past events. and it's weird.
In a deeply rough segue, boys are wonderful. One in particular, as a matter of fact, is really great....
So a bunch of us from my old ward went to see a movie together (new x-men - excellent, by the way) and Stephen just nonchalantly put his arm around me as if it were totally expected and not a big deal. We held hands through that entire movie, and I was totally, stupidly giddy about it. Prior to that point, I had been relatively certain that we were friends, and that he might have some passing attraction to me, but nothing particularly significant. Apparently, I was wrong.
I talked to a mutual friend the day after this excursion who said that he'd asked Stephen about asking me on a date, and the kid said that he was planning on it. So, naturally, the hand-holding giddiness was extended. He called me that Saturday, but I was working (yes, you are getting every last tiny excruciatingly dull detail, and you will like it, dang it), but we ended up setting up some sort of something for Friday.
It turned out that our excursion was, in fact, a date - we went to a rodeo. It was really fun. The kid had his arm around me for a lot of it. Afterwards, we went to a park and just sat out on the grass and talked about all kinds of random things for another two hours. We walked back to the car after this park excursion, and he opened my door and I got in, and then he says, "Hey, hold on a sec." I can't really articulate what exactly I thought would follow this innocuous request, but it definitely wasn't him leaning into the car and kissing me. It was really sweet and exciting and la la la la la la la la :) I was mildly stunned at the time, though. That was the most unexpected a kiss has ever been for me. A slight shame, as I had had every noble intention of making him wait until our third date, at least. Naturally, when forced to think on my toes, I failed miserably. Bahaha. The funny thing was that about twenty minutes prior, we'd been laying on the grass really close to each other and it had been quiet for a good minute or two, and he suggested that we go swing. This had made me somewhat unhappily come to the conclusion that he didn't want to kiss me and was trying to break up just such a moment. I love being wrong.
And even though I've already gone on for rather too long, I'll do some brief analysis for you. The summation of this analysis: it's quite likely that he likes me enough to attempt to take this somewhere. That somewhere being a place other than friends with benefits land, a country with which I am all too familiar. This analysis is based on a few things. The first of those is that he is, and has undoubtedly been for ages, well aware of my interest in him. Any guy would be a little nuts to risk the kind of drama that generally results from a noncommittal kiss or makeout with a girl he knows wants more. Secondly, I have talked to him about random dating enough to hear him say that generally, he doesn't kiss girls that want more from something than he does. Thirdly, if what he wanted was just making out, he went to a great deal of effort for two really brief kisses.
P.S. Stephen is annoying and was unobliging enough to have his birthday this Friday, which means I get to play a terribly exciting game called "what is the least big deal thing that remains thoughtful and advisable to do" about said birthday. Thoughts are appreciated.
I really enjoyed that part in your letter from a while ago about guys you'd set me up with. Haha you have impressively high standards, and I actually think that you'd be quite good at deciding who I'd get along with. I suppose that's not particularly surprising, though, considering that we've known each other for what....like five years now? Almost? Wow. Side note, I've found that it gets really crazy to start thinking about how long ago things in high school were. It seems as though they were all so recent, but really, high school is distinctly moving into past events. and it's weird.
In a deeply rough segue, boys are wonderful. One in particular, as a matter of fact, is really great....
So a bunch of us from my old ward went to see a movie together (new x-men - excellent, by the way) and Stephen just nonchalantly put his arm around me as if it were totally expected and not a big deal. We held hands through that entire movie, and I was totally, stupidly giddy about it. Prior to that point, I had been relatively certain that we were friends, and that he might have some passing attraction to me, but nothing particularly significant. Apparently, I was wrong.
I talked to a mutual friend the day after this excursion who said that he'd asked Stephen about asking me on a date, and the kid said that he was planning on it. So, naturally, the hand-holding giddiness was extended. He called me that Saturday, but I was working (yes, you are getting every last tiny excruciatingly dull detail, and you will like it, dang it), but we ended up setting up some sort of something for Friday.
It turned out that our excursion was, in fact, a date - we went to a rodeo. It was really fun. The kid had his arm around me for a lot of it. Afterwards, we went to a park and just sat out on the grass and talked about all kinds of random things for another two hours. We walked back to the car after this park excursion, and he opened my door and I got in, and then he says, "Hey, hold on a sec." I can't really articulate what exactly I thought would follow this innocuous request, but it definitely wasn't him leaning into the car and kissing me. It was really sweet and exciting and la la la la la la la la :) I was mildly stunned at the time, though. That was the most unexpected a kiss has ever been for me. A slight shame, as I had had every noble intention of making him wait until our third date, at least. Naturally, when forced to think on my toes, I failed miserably. Bahaha. The funny thing was that about twenty minutes prior, we'd been laying on the grass really close to each other and it had been quiet for a good minute or two, and he suggested that we go swing. This had made me somewhat unhappily come to the conclusion that he didn't want to kiss me and was trying to break up just such a moment. I love being wrong.
And even though I've already gone on for rather too long, I'll do some brief analysis for you. The summation of this analysis: it's quite likely that he likes me enough to attempt to take this somewhere. That somewhere being a place other than friends with benefits land, a country with which I am all too familiar. This analysis is based on a few things. The first of those is that he is, and has undoubtedly been for ages, well aware of my interest in him. Any guy would be a little nuts to risk the kind of drama that generally results from a noncommittal kiss or makeout with a girl he knows wants more. Secondly, I have talked to him about random dating enough to hear him say that generally, he doesn't kiss girls that want more from something than he does. Thirdly, if what he wanted was just making out, he went to a great deal of effort for two really brief kisses.
P.S. Stephen is annoying and was unobliging enough to have his birthday this Friday, which means I get to play a terribly exciting game called "what is the least big deal thing that remains thoughtful and advisable to do" about said birthday. Thoughts are appreciated.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Boo.
(May 22, 2011)
Did I mention that I'm trying to be an adult and I actually think it's working? There's been something of a precipitous drop in my desire to kiss boys who don't like me, or don't want me enough. The flip is also an issue though - can I take a second to be crazy arrogant? Of course I can, you know me well enough that it's not going to surprise you :P Haha I'd just like to say that I wouldn't have thought I'd take issue with a greater number of boys being interested in me for who I am, as opposed to just wanting someone mildly attractive to make out with because they had nothing better to do. But honestly....boys actually liking me is proving to have surprising, unforeseen difficulties. Before, the only person I had to worry about hurting was me, and that was never particularly difficult to avoid. Now I have to think more carefully about how I flirt and who I do it with and who's present when I do so and it's really not so very pleasant. I just don't like having power over people's happiness, even just a little bit.
Seriously, I think my flirting is genuinely becoming an issue. It's sort of insanely obnoxious and I should really think about attempting to tone it down. I might amend my contract to include some rules on flirting :P
Did I mention that I'm trying to be an adult and I actually think it's working? There's been something of a precipitous drop in my desire to kiss boys who don't like me, or don't want me enough. The flip is also an issue though - can I take a second to be crazy arrogant? Of course I can, you know me well enough that it's not going to surprise you :P Haha I'd just like to say that I wouldn't have thought I'd take issue with a greater number of boys being interested in me for who I am, as opposed to just wanting someone mildly attractive to make out with because they had nothing better to do. But honestly....boys actually liking me is proving to have surprising, unforeseen difficulties. Before, the only person I had to worry about hurting was me, and that was never particularly difficult to avoid. Now I have to think more carefully about how I flirt and who I do it with and who's present when I do so and it's really not so very pleasant. I just don't like having power over people's happiness, even just a little bit.
Seriously, I think my flirting is genuinely becoming an issue. It's sort of insanely obnoxious and I should really think about attempting to tone it down. I might amend my contract to include some rules on flirting :P
Date? Mystery.
(May 8, 2011)
I'll thank you not to be so snide about my definition of closure with one Matt Palmer. Even though you made me laugh :P I will have you know that at this point, my "closure" meets both your criteria and mine, thank you very much. Haha Matt and I hung out this week and it was totally awesome. I was one hundred percent myself, which ironically probably made him think that I was a completely different person than the one he remembers, as I never ever accomplished that feat around him previously. He even said I was funny :) It was a bunch of us, too, so don't be too impressed, but yes. No more awkwardness. And wonderfully, no more interest on my part.
I also moved to a place called Glenwood in Provo. It is insanely ghetto. Even by Provo standards, with which, I'm aware, you are not all that familiar, but let me be the first to tell you: that makes it Ghe-hetto. Also, boys in our ward - 90% pre-mission. They all look like babies to me. It's crazy.
However, I don't know how much I care about that, because there has been some slight progression on the Stephen front.
Dude, scratch that. Some major progression.
So, let's see....I don't think he even had my number the last time I wrote you [yes, I'm a bad person], so you might want to kick back because I can't restrain myself from sharing as much of the interim change in behavior as possible.
My end of finals present was him asking for my number of his own volition. We were at a party together at my old apartment complex and he said something about hanging out more and presumed ease of doing that if he had my number. Then, two days later, he called me up to go laser tagging/nickelcade-ing. That was really fun, I hadn't done that for a long time. He also played air hockey with me after we finished and as we were leaving, we passed a group of people, and he says, "Wow, that guy just totally checked you out."
Ha ha ha:) My, Stephen, why are you paying any attention whatsoever to who is or isn't checking me out?
Then I saw him again at yet another event at my former living establishment (there's been a regular slough of birthdays lately, it's peculiar) and he jokingly held my hand for like thirty seconds while we talked to some people. We see each other every other morning when I'm walking to school at eight in the morning and he's driving the same road in the opposite direction to go to work. The first couple of times it happened, we texted each other about the awkward rendezvous - because it's always awkward for that half a second before we're entirely sure that that person in the white car/that girl with the long hair is the other.
I passed him driving Wednesday and called him up just to be like hey, I think I just saw you on University, tra la la, and he says that we should go hot tubbing. We did. Just the two of us. I mean, there were other people in the hot tub, but neither of us brought any friends. And we flirted like crazy :) Seriously. It was marvelous. And I made him laugh. I feel so proud of myself when I accomplish that feat. Afterwords, we sat in my car for a good half hour or forty-five minutes just talking.
Brief detour for commentary: it was this particular excursion that made me fairly certain that he is interested. At least a tiny bit. If you, as a boy, feel like confirming this fact, it would be greatly appreciated. I feel that inviting someone to go hot tubbing with you solo is not something you do if you really prefer to just stay friends. I didn't and still don't really know how much he is interested - I may have a significant amount of competition - but I feel that this excursion says, at the very least, "I find you mildly attractive and not unpleasant to talk to."
And then, two nights ago, he texted me to go to a barbecue with his friends in Orem, which turned out to be some sort of peculiar quasi-datey thing.
You may think that I'm being intensely girly and stupid for wondering whether or not this was a date, but the funny thing was that all of his friends seemed to think it was. They referred to me as Stephen's date and I displayed my rather spectacular talent for blurting and said, "Oh, date, is that what I am?" I love those moments when I say things and have an immediate, slight desire that life had like a twenty-second rewind button. But his friends were funny and
obliging and immediately set up a discourse as to what, exactly, it was. I think the verdict was that it was a half-date :P
They all seemed to like me. They told me so, at least, several times :) It was actually really nice - you know how marvelously, intensely awkward I can be around new people. But they were all really easy to talk to and I didn't have to spend the night awkwardly glued to Stephen so I'd have someone I could speak to. Ha, and I was leaving, his friends were saying, " You're the best girl that Stephen's brought around in quite a while. And there's a lot, so that's saying something." We flirted quite a bit on this excursion, as well - He even came up behind me as we were finishing a game and put his hands on my shoulders and asked if I had fun. Which, in retrospect, sounds decidedly unimportant.
But I swear it was a big deal at the time.
Meh, we'll see where this goes. Heaven knows whether he wants someone else or if he's about to discover this or that significant personality flaw in me :P But at present, I feel reasonably safe in saying that he likes me, at least a little bit.
I'll thank you not to be so snide about my definition of closure with one Matt Palmer. Even though you made me laugh :P I will have you know that at this point, my "closure" meets both your criteria and mine, thank you very much. Haha Matt and I hung out this week and it was totally awesome. I was one hundred percent myself, which ironically probably made him think that I was a completely different person than the one he remembers, as I never ever accomplished that feat around him previously. He even said I was funny :) It was a bunch of us, too, so don't be too impressed, but yes. No more awkwardness. And wonderfully, no more interest on my part.
I also moved to a place called Glenwood in Provo. It is insanely ghetto. Even by Provo standards, with which, I'm aware, you are not all that familiar, but let me be the first to tell you: that makes it Ghe-hetto. Also, boys in our ward - 90% pre-mission. They all look like babies to me. It's crazy.
However, I don't know how much I care about that, because there has been some slight progression on the Stephen front.
Dude, scratch that. Some major progression.
So, let's see....I don't think he even had my number the last time I wrote you [yes, I'm a bad person], so you might want to kick back because I can't restrain myself from sharing as much of the interim change in behavior as possible.
My end of finals present was him asking for my number of his own volition. We were at a party together at my old apartment complex and he said something about hanging out more and presumed ease of doing that if he had my number. Then, two days later, he called me up to go laser tagging/nickelcade-ing. That was really fun, I hadn't done that for a long time. He also played air hockey with me after we finished and as we were leaving, we passed a group of people, and he says, "Wow, that guy just totally checked you out."
Ha ha ha:) My, Stephen, why are you paying any attention whatsoever to who is or isn't checking me out?
Then I saw him again at yet another event at my former living establishment (there's been a regular slough of birthdays lately, it's peculiar) and he jokingly held my hand for like thirty seconds while we talked to some people. We see each other every other morning when I'm walking to school at eight in the morning and he's driving the same road in the opposite direction to go to work. The first couple of times it happened, we texted each other about the awkward rendezvous - because it's always awkward for that half a second before we're entirely sure that that person in the white car/that girl with the long hair is the other.
I passed him driving Wednesday and called him up just to be like hey, I think I just saw you on University, tra la la, and he says that we should go hot tubbing. We did. Just the two of us. I mean, there were other people in the hot tub, but neither of us brought any friends. And we flirted like crazy :) Seriously. It was marvelous. And I made him laugh. I feel so proud of myself when I accomplish that feat. Afterwords, we sat in my car for a good half hour or forty-five minutes just talking.
Brief detour for commentary: it was this particular excursion that made me fairly certain that he is interested. At least a tiny bit. If you, as a boy, feel like confirming this fact, it would be greatly appreciated. I feel that inviting someone to go hot tubbing with you solo is not something you do if you really prefer to just stay friends. I didn't and still don't really know how much he is interested - I may have a significant amount of competition - but I feel that this excursion says, at the very least, "I find you mildly attractive and not unpleasant to talk to."
And then, two nights ago, he texted me to go to a barbecue with his friends in Orem, which turned out to be some sort of peculiar quasi-datey thing.
You may think that I'm being intensely girly and stupid for wondering whether or not this was a date, but the funny thing was that all of his friends seemed to think it was. They referred to me as Stephen's date and I displayed my rather spectacular talent for blurting and said, "Oh, date, is that what I am?" I love those moments when I say things and have an immediate, slight desire that life had like a twenty-second rewind button. But his friends were funny and
obliging and immediately set up a discourse as to what, exactly, it was. I think the verdict was that it was a half-date :P
They all seemed to like me. They told me so, at least, several times :) It was actually really nice - you know how marvelously, intensely awkward I can be around new people. But they were all really easy to talk to and I didn't have to spend the night awkwardly glued to Stephen so I'd have someone I could speak to. Ha, and I was leaving, his friends were saying, " You're the best girl that Stephen's brought around in quite a while. And there's a lot, so that's saying something." We flirted quite a bit on this excursion, as well - He even came up behind me as we were finishing a game and put his hands on my shoulders and asked if I had fun. Which, in retrospect, sounds decidedly unimportant.
But I swear it was a big deal at the time.
Meh, we'll see where this goes. Heaven knows whether he wants someone else or if he's about to discover this or that significant personality flaw in me :P But at present, I feel reasonably safe in saying that he likes me, at least a little bit.
Conflicting Thoughts and Feelings
(April 18, 2011)
Yes, it is in fact dreadful that this guy hasn't read Harry Potter. Actually, while I was most entertained about the whole "siblings make you compete for Mom and Dad's affection," there's some truth to it. I don't know that I agree exactly that there's really a competition for affection so much as it just honestly changes your perspective to have siblings. I think it does reduce selfishness, because you have built-in sharing necessities. Also, I would pretty much never date and certainly never ever marry an only child. Laying aside the fact the massive amount of potential anecdotes and commonalities that just go out the window when someone didn't grow up with two or three other people, it's weird. I don't get only children, generally. I just don't.
Thank you for telling me I'll do fine in school :) I'm terrified. I take my first final tomorrow. D&C. Joy to the world. It should be ok, but I'll have to see. Multivariable is a lost cause, though - I have to tell you that I spent a good two hours on Thursday morning just staring at my take-home final and crying because I couldn't do any of it. Well, I can kind of do bits and pieces of it, and some of them I have the general idea, but mostly... no.
That's just....it just is what it is. I hate that teacher. I feel that if you're going to give students work that makes them want to kill themselves, it should be your homework, and not your tests. I'm so on board with that. But this man taught us the bare minimum recipe steps to get our (generally pretty easy) homework done and then he sucker punches us with these theoretical tests riddled with proofs, which we've never done in class or on the homework.
On to things I'm just going to share with you :)
I still want Stephen. I stole my Dad's twelve-string guitar and I've been playing it, and I went over to steal a capo from him and mentioned that I had this lovely lovely guitar, and he came over and played it with me, and we sang some songs together. He's so annoying with his continued attractiveness combined with the lack of number exchange or apparent significant interest in me or anything. But yes, I played some songs for him and he came over and moved my fingers around a little on the chords (in a decidedly friendly, rather than outrightly flirtatious way) and I still swooned. Damn him.
Went to Matt Palmer's homecoming today. I'm so happy I had Jackie with me (who has returned from her internship in Florida, and she's totally going to divert male attention from me in a big way, but oh well :P) to maintain some vestige of my normal, funny, outgoing college self. I rather dislike being around large groups of high school people. You KNOW I do. It turns me back into me in high school. Me in college is infinitely preferable. Mostly because me in college doesn't have to combat stigma regarding what people expect me to be like :P The thing was, Matt's actual talk and everything was really awesome. Also really awesome: sitting there and honestly being sure that he's awesome and not what I want anymore. I'm just not that girl anymore. Didn't mean that I acted in accordance with my new girl status when I avoided saying hi to him after (haha....ha....ha....yeah.....) but still, closure. Yes. Fina-freakin-lly.
What else.....
I do play some passable guitar now. And by passable, I mean poorly mediocre, but still. It's really, really fun. I feel all accomplished and such.
Jeez, the things I do for boys. I started songwriting because of Matt, did you know that? and now I'm starting to learn the guitar in earnest because of Stephen. Ah.
Yes, it is in fact dreadful that this guy hasn't read Harry Potter. Actually, while I was most entertained about the whole "siblings make you compete for Mom and Dad's affection," there's some truth to it. I don't know that I agree exactly that there's really a competition for affection so much as it just honestly changes your perspective to have siblings. I think it does reduce selfishness, because you have built-in sharing necessities. Also, I would pretty much never date and certainly never ever marry an only child. Laying aside the fact the massive amount of potential anecdotes and commonalities that just go out the window when someone didn't grow up with two or three other people, it's weird. I don't get only children, generally. I just don't.
Thank you for telling me I'll do fine in school :) I'm terrified. I take my first final tomorrow. D&C. Joy to the world. It should be ok, but I'll have to see. Multivariable is a lost cause, though - I have to tell you that I spent a good two hours on Thursday morning just staring at my take-home final and crying because I couldn't do any of it. Well, I can kind of do bits and pieces of it, and some of them I have the general idea, but mostly... no.
That's just....it just is what it is. I hate that teacher. I feel that if you're going to give students work that makes them want to kill themselves, it should be your homework, and not your tests. I'm so on board with that. But this man taught us the bare minimum recipe steps to get our (generally pretty easy) homework done and then he sucker punches us with these theoretical tests riddled with proofs, which we've never done in class or on the homework.
On to things I'm just going to share with you :)
I still want Stephen. I stole my Dad's twelve-string guitar and I've been playing it, and I went over to steal a capo from him and mentioned that I had this lovely lovely guitar, and he came over and played it with me, and we sang some songs together. He's so annoying with his continued attractiveness combined with the lack of number exchange or apparent significant interest in me or anything. But yes, I played some songs for him and he came over and moved my fingers around a little on the chords (in a decidedly friendly, rather than outrightly flirtatious way) and I still swooned. Damn him.
Went to Matt Palmer's homecoming today. I'm so happy I had Jackie with me (who has returned from her internship in Florida, and she's totally going to divert male attention from me in a big way, but oh well :P) to maintain some vestige of my normal, funny, outgoing college self. I rather dislike being around large groups of high school people. You KNOW I do. It turns me back into me in high school. Me in college is infinitely preferable. Mostly because me in college doesn't have to combat stigma regarding what people expect me to be like :P The thing was, Matt's actual talk and everything was really awesome. Also really awesome: sitting there and honestly being sure that he's awesome and not what I want anymore. I'm just not that girl anymore. Didn't mean that I acted in accordance with my new girl status when I avoided saying hi to him after (haha....ha....ha....yeah.....) but still, closure. Yes. Fina-freakin-lly.
What else.....
I do play some passable guitar now. And by passable, I mean poorly mediocre, but still. It's really, really fun. I feel all accomplished and such.
Jeez, the things I do for boys. I started songwriting because of Matt, did you know that? and now I'm starting to learn the guitar in earnest because of Stephen. Ah.
Why won't you call me?
(April 11, 2011)
Stephen. That is the actual name of Mrs. Chanandeler Bong. I asked Stephen on a date over Christmas last semester (at like one in the morning when he was very heavily medicated) and received no answer until a week later, at which time I got a feeble "I, er, have doctor's appointments and such and studying the day after that, so, can't." over Facebook. Ha between the asking and the answering I'd made out with Brendan for the first time, so I can't say that I was as affronted as I might have been, but still distressed that I was unsuccessful. His apartment and I were discussing this particular time and he says, "Wait, I just want to clear something up - I'd just started dating someone at that point, and it was in that like weird limbo stage, so I couldn't." And I said something ferociously witty or somesuch, to the tune of, "So you're saying I shouldn't be put out about that?" To which his roommate muttered something that I didn't quite catch, but most fortunately, MY roommate did. This something, apparently, was to the effect of "And he wouldn't be too put out, were you to ask him out again, either."
HA! Oh, and he has this hat that he's decided is a sorting hat. It was brought out for my benefit this evening. He sorted me into Ravenclaw.
He's also read all the Harry Potters multiple times and loved them. He's reading Mere Christianity right now and we discussed the works of C.S. Lewis. And to top it all off, he sang "Bring Him Home" while I played it for him tonight.
I'm going to die. Seriously.
Dude, in other news, I had a total man slut work really hard to convince me that he didn't just want to kiss me, he wanted to date me, on Saturday.
And then I wanted you there to listen to me obsess over when boys stopped saying things like, "Hey, we're not telling anyone about this, right? Because I really don't want my friends to know." and when the same type of boy started asking me to date him.
WHAT
THE
HECK
has happened in my life? I just...Can't.
I'll tell you one thing. Change is good.
Stephen. That is the actual name of Mrs. Chanandeler Bong. I asked Stephen on a date over Christmas last semester (at like one in the morning when he was very heavily medicated) and received no answer until a week later, at which time I got a feeble "I, er, have doctor's appointments and such and studying the day after that, so, can't." over Facebook. Ha between the asking and the answering I'd made out with Brendan for the first time, so I can't say that I was as affronted as I might have been, but still distressed that I was unsuccessful. His apartment and I were discussing this particular time and he says, "Wait, I just want to clear something up - I'd just started dating someone at that point, and it was in that like weird limbo stage, so I couldn't." And I said something ferociously witty or somesuch, to the tune of, "So you're saying I shouldn't be put out about that?" To which his roommate muttered something that I didn't quite catch, but most fortunately, MY roommate did. This something, apparently, was to the effect of "And he wouldn't be too put out, were you to ask him out again, either."
HA! Oh, and he has this hat that he's decided is a sorting hat. It was brought out for my benefit this evening. He sorted me into Ravenclaw.
He's also read all the Harry Potters multiple times and loved them. He's reading Mere Christianity right now and we discussed the works of C.S. Lewis. And to top it all off, he sang "Bring Him Home" while I played it for him tonight.
I'm going to die. Seriously.
Dude, in other news, I had a total man slut work really hard to convince me that he didn't just want to kiss me, he wanted to date me, on Saturday.
And then I wanted you there to listen to me obsess over when boys stopped saying things like, "Hey, we're not telling anyone about this, right? Because I really don't want my friends to know." and when the same type of boy started asking me to date him.
WHAT
THE
HECK
has happened in my life? I just...Can't.
I'll tell you one thing. Change is good.
Profundity.
(March 27, 2011)
I'm feeling strangely introspective at the moment. I think that it may have something to do with the fact that I've been listening to my "Mellow" playlist for a while now, and I keep losing the general thread of my thoughts and then catching them again at the tail end of really dramatic lyrical phrases and it's doing some seriously bizarre things to my ability to feel coherent.
I've decided that, for the first time, I'm going to respond as fully and clearly to everything you told me last week, since I usually just gabble (why yes, that IS a word now) on about nothing and joyfulness and such, and I don't know that that's fair. :)
Alright, so:
First, I'm mildly entertained that you'd advise me against attempting to see Matt in the immediate future. Haha, I don't suppose you remember how often it was that I sought out the company of one Andrew Smith, do you? We were in the same room only when it was essentially inescapable for me. I didn't ever really call him up or make an attempt to hang out with him. At least not by senior year. And this is because I am, in fact, a pansy, and go out of my way to avoid boys that I want and can't have. Matt stands in no danger of me encroaching on his recently-returnededness. :) Believe me. I may never see the kid again. I just made the comment because I think it's lame that I have any preoccupation with the idea at all. I definitely never had any intention of making good on it :P
Second, my thoughts on the DJ now, since we hung out again on Friday (I don't really think it qualifies as a date), is that he's grand and most definitely not for me. See, I wasn't particularly forthcoming on my thoughts about him last week because while I do think he's quite attractive indeed, there is a serious lack of easy conversation. It's not like a firing squad of awkward or anything, but certainly not a level at which I'd like to date someone. And his death knell was sounded when I met his friends this weekend. They're all really awesome, funny, nice guys, absolutely. But we don't so much.... get each other. If that's relatively understandable. And if I don't feel comfortable around a guy's friends, well, that's a surprisingly significant deal breaker for me. I'd never want to take someone away from their friends, and you know how excited I am about hanging out with people who make me uncomfortable. So excited that I'm compelled to adjourn to my house. Alone. Haha, so, yes, there's no more of that, but I genuinely really doubt that he'll be particularly torn up - trust me, there wasn't a whole lot there on either side.
Fifth, no mention was made of frying-pan-Sam because he's dropped from my sit-com for the most part in recent weeks. A shame, but we'll see if he makes a comeback. I'm fairly certain that I'm kind of his "I'm pretty sure she's an option if I run out of first-string players" girl, and that's fine, because he may or may not fill the same roll for me. Fun to flirt with, though.
Last of all, it's intriguing that you'd mention the boy with the car ding, because....er.....welll.......I may have seriously, seriously muddled that one. As in a rather humiliating snafu has occurred on that front. I am ashamed. You shall be ashamed for me too, before I have finished. I really wish that I could just not tell you this, but....I feel obligated.
So, unlike you, I don't feel that Brett deserved a second date, because I felt that that would just give him an opportunity to make an imprudent investiture of time and money in me, which doesn't seem right to me, and to give him the impression that I was more interested than I was, which REALLY doesn't seem acceptable. I was worried that I'd have to mention something about the marvels of friendship in the near future, but had no immediate plans to do so unless he actually asked me on that second date.
Following our first date, however, his texting became more frequent, to the tune of daily missives regarding my plans, my day, etc. My roommate and one of his are dating, and according to her, he was really starting to like me. I was distressed by this fact. Also perplexed. Not that I'm not likable, but that someone like him would like me....he's all warm and fuzzy and feeling-y and stuff. Like....I'm so deeply unclassy to say this....but rather more girl than I am. Did I mention that he pursued one of my other roommates prior to me? And apparently had several conversations with her discussing, in depth, the many wrongs wrought upon him by the hoydens he'd dated in the past?
Sigh. I never think that bodes well. Ever.
Anyhow. The apparent liking concerned me, but I had no immediate plan to take action until I had a conversation with a roommate and a guy friend, both of whom said that by regularly returning his texts and talking to him about relationships and dating (even my dates with other guys, which I'd thought would have the opposite effect) were leading this kid on.
Generally, although I'm not always marvelous at behaving in concert with this idea, I don't believe in leading boys on, if I can help it. At the encouragement of my roommates and this guy friend, I sent Brett a text that, I hoped, would clarify the idea I was going for while pretending to be unaware that he was truly interested.
This is a very very close approximation of the text: "Hey, so I know that this is just a friendly thing and everything, but just in the spirit of ensuring that we're on the same page, friends is good."
In fact, that might be the wording exactly. And yes, although my saying this is not going to keep YOU from your lecture, I know it was stupid. Stupid, and arrogant, and perhaps even a little condescending, and really just egregiously inadvisable. A whole host of unfortunate adjectives. Oh, I know. I should learn to listen to my own gut and not other people.
I will briefly speak for the defense, though, and say that I genuinely thought that I was doing the right thing, or an approximation thereof. I certainly wasn't prepared for his reaction, though.
First of all, he asked me why I said that. This made me nervous. I think I said something weak and unfortunate like, "because....friendship....yay....." and then he's like, no, seriously, why would you feel like you had to say that? I think I said something weak and unfortunate again, to the effect of, "er....sorry, because I'm mildly delusional, obviously....." His follow-up three page text said that he knew exactly how I felt after the date and that my text was completely unnecessary and that he was totally reading that I was not into him. [Side note, you're not really going to escape a blow-by-blow of the text convo at this point. I apologize, and then undermine my apology by continuing:] I told him that I was just trying to be sure that we knew where everything stood, and that I wasn't accusing him of being obtuse or anything of that nature.
His abjectly mystifying response, "So you're saying I shouldn't write you off, then?"
Uhhhhhhh..............Did I just send....that? Perplexed, I responded with the stupidest, and most egregiously lacking-in-tact text of this conversation: "Oh, definitely write me off. But I'm perplexed that you're so disgruntled about this - I know I could have said this better, but I really don't believe in giving others false hope."
He then said he was mad because of my assumption, and asked if I just assumed that every RM was falling in love with me
Ha, just got a text from the man himself asking if I had a good day. Believe this is a stab at casual conversation.
Continuing with regularly scheduled programming, however - I told him that generally, no, but usually my friends don't ask me on dates or text me every day, so I was just jumping to conclusions based on previous experience, and was wrong, apparently.
End of story, he was deeply bugged. Oh, and he insisted that it would have been better if I'd just asked him up front whether or not he liked me....Which I really don't agree with. If he saw where that was going, he'd probably have said no, and if he did in fact like me and I'm not the world's most repugnantly conceited person, he might have thought I was going to tell him I liked him.
Really, I think that the only way to make that better would have been for me not to say anything at all.
Let's see, other things of note.....Mrs. Chanandeler Bong is the one I want. For definitely. And I'm worried that I can't have him, but also worried that if I believe that, it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's throwing everything off-kilter and I'm just not taking action at all, of late. Which is going to kill my chances whether I had any in the first place or not.... Annoying.
I'm feeling strangely introspective at the moment. I think that it may have something to do with the fact that I've been listening to my "Mellow" playlist for a while now, and I keep losing the general thread of my thoughts and then catching them again at the tail end of really dramatic lyrical phrases and it's doing some seriously bizarre things to my ability to feel coherent.
I've decided that, for the first time, I'm going to respond as fully and clearly to everything you told me last week, since I usually just gabble (why yes, that IS a word now) on about nothing and joyfulness and such, and I don't know that that's fair. :)
Alright, so:
First, I'm mildly entertained that you'd advise me against attempting to see Matt in the immediate future. Haha, I don't suppose you remember how often it was that I sought out the company of one Andrew Smith, do you? We were in the same room only when it was essentially inescapable for me. I didn't ever really call him up or make an attempt to hang out with him. At least not by senior year. And this is because I am, in fact, a pansy, and go out of my way to avoid boys that I want and can't have. Matt stands in no danger of me encroaching on his recently-returnededness. :) Believe me. I may never see the kid again. I just made the comment because I think it's lame that I have any preoccupation with the idea at all. I definitely never had any intention of making good on it :P
Second, my thoughts on the DJ now, since we hung out again on Friday (I don't really think it qualifies as a date), is that he's grand and most definitely not for me. See, I wasn't particularly forthcoming on my thoughts about him last week because while I do think he's quite attractive indeed, there is a serious lack of easy conversation. It's not like a firing squad of awkward or anything, but certainly not a level at which I'd like to date someone. And his death knell was sounded when I met his friends this weekend. They're all really awesome, funny, nice guys, absolutely. But we don't so much.... get each other. If that's relatively understandable. And if I don't feel comfortable around a guy's friends, well, that's a surprisingly significant deal breaker for me. I'd never want to take someone away from their friends, and you know how excited I am about hanging out with people who make me uncomfortable. So excited that I'm compelled to adjourn to my house. Alone. Haha, so, yes, there's no more of that, but I genuinely really doubt that he'll be particularly torn up - trust me, there wasn't a whole lot there on either side.
Fifth, no mention was made of frying-pan-Sam because he's dropped from my sit-com for the most part in recent weeks. A shame, but we'll see if he makes a comeback. I'm fairly certain that I'm kind of his "I'm pretty sure she's an option if I run out of first-string players" girl, and that's fine, because he may or may not fill the same roll for me. Fun to flirt with, though.
Last of all, it's intriguing that you'd mention the boy with the car ding, because....er.....welll.......I may have seriously, seriously muddled that one. As in a rather humiliating snafu has occurred on that front. I am ashamed. You shall be ashamed for me too, before I have finished. I really wish that I could just not tell you this, but....I feel obligated.
So, unlike you, I don't feel that Brett deserved a second date, because I felt that that would just give him an opportunity to make an imprudent investiture of time and money in me, which doesn't seem right to me, and to give him the impression that I was more interested than I was, which REALLY doesn't seem acceptable. I was worried that I'd have to mention something about the marvels of friendship in the near future, but had no immediate plans to do so unless he actually asked me on that second date.
Following our first date, however, his texting became more frequent, to the tune of daily missives regarding my plans, my day, etc. My roommate and one of his are dating, and according to her, he was really starting to like me. I was distressed by this fact. Also perplexed. Not that I'm not likable, but that someone like him would like me....he's all warm and fuzzy and feeling-y and stuff. Like....I'm so deeply unclassy to say this....but rather more girl than I am. Did I mention that he pursued one of my other roommates prior to me? And apparently had several conversations with her discussing, in depth, the many wrongs wrought upon him by the hoydens he'd dated in the past?
Sigh. I never think that bodes well. Ever.
Anyhow. The apparent liking concerned me, but I had no immediate plan to take action until I had a conversation with a roommate and a guy friend, both of whom said that by regularly returning his texts and talking to him about relationships and dating (even my dates with other guys, which I'd thought would have the opposite effect) were leading this kid on.
Generally, although I'm not always marvelous at behaving in concert with this idea, I don't believe in leading boys on, if I can help it. At the encouragement of my roommates and this guy friend, I sent Brett a text that, I hoped, would clarify the idea I was going for while pretending to be unaware that he was truly interested.
This is a very very close approximation of the text: "Hey, so I know that this is just a friendly thing and everything, but just in the spirit of ensuring that we're on the same page, friends is good."
In fact, that might be the wording exactly. And yes, although my saying this is not going to keep YOU from your lecture, I know it was stupid. Stupid, and arrogant, and perhaps even a little condescending, and really just egregiously inadvisable. A whole host of unfortunate adjectives. Oh, I know. I should learn to listen to my own gut and not other people.
I will briefly speak for the defense, though, and say that I genuinely thought that I was doing the right thing, or an approximation thereof. I certainly wasn't prepared for his reaction, though.
First of all, he asked me why I said that. This made me nervous. I think I said something weak and unfortunate like, "because....friendship....yay....." and then he's like, no, seriously, why would you feel like you had to say that? I think I said something weak and unfortunate again, to the effect of, "er....sorry, because I'm mildly delusional, obviously....." His follow-up three page text said that he knew exactly how I felt after the date and that my text was completely unnecessary and that he was totally reading that I was not into him. [Side note, you're not really going to escape a blow-by-blow of the text convo at this point. I apologize, and then undermine my apology by continuing:] I told him that I was just trying to be sure that we knew where everything stood, and that I wasn't accusing him of being obtuse or anything of that nature.
His abjectly mystifying response, "So you're saying I shouldn't write you off, then?"
Uhhhhhhh..............Did I just send....that? Perplexed, I responded with the stupidest, and most egregiously lacking-in-tact text of this conversation: "Oh, definitely write me off. But I'm perplexed that you're so disgruntled about this - I know I could have said this better, but I really don't believe in giving others false hope."
He then said he was mad because of my assumption, and asked if I just assumed that every RM was falling in love with me
Ha, just got a text from the man himself asking if I had a good day. Believe this is a stab at casual conversation.
Continuing with regularly scheduled programming, however - I told him that generally, no, but usually my friends don't ask me on dates or text me every day, so I was just jumping to conclusions based on previous experience, and was wrong, apparently.
End of story, he was deeply bugged. Oh, and he insisted that it would have been better if I'd just asked him up front whether or not he liked me....Which I really don't agree with. If he saw where that was going, he'd probably have said no, and if he did in fact like me and I'm not the world's most repugnantly conceited person, he might have thought I was going to tell him I liked him.
Really, I think that the only way to make that better would have been for me not to say anything at all.
Let's see, other things of note.....Mrs. Chanandeler Bong is the one I want. For definitely. And I'm worried that I can't have him, but also worried that if I believe that, it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's throwing everything off-kilter and I'm just not taking action at all, of late. Which is going to kill my chances whether I had any in the first place or not.... Annoying.
Mrs. Chanandeler Bong
(March 21, 2011)
I really, truly love that you referred to the hot-amazing-musician man as Mrs. Chanandeler Bong. I don't know that I'm actually going to tell you what his real name is because the replacement is so dang funny. So, the hereafter-known-as-Mrs.-Chandeler-Bong boy of hotness was on Facebook chat this Thursday, and I impulsively (as is pretty much my adjective of choice for any dealings with boys) decided to just send him a little thing about how it was fun to sing together and we should do it again. I then settle in to take a middle of the day nap but am overjoyed to hear the little Facebook chat ding of happiness!!
Mrs. Chanandeler Bong has concurred, and says that he is, in fact, going over to our bishop's at just that very moment to go do some jamming (this only sounds weird if you don't know our bishop, who's awesome and incredibly good at the guitar and bass and drums and any number of musical instruments.) I tell Mrs. Bong that this is most exciting, and he says I can come along if I like.
I pretended to think about that for a little while, but I ended up going and jamming with him and the bishop. Oh, more of the singing and guitar and awesomeness. I LOVE singing with him.... La la la.... Ha ha ha...Mrs. Chanandeler Bong is so attractive. I don't think you understand. I'm pretty sure that he's not actually attracted to me - my ability to read those vibes is rarely off the mark - but he's making it annoyingly difficult not to like him. He's fun to talk to and incredibly laid back and he makes a truly unusual amount of eye contact....oh, and when I was walking by him and a girl from our ward the other day, I said hi, and I hear, as I walk away, "Did you know that Kristen's like crazy good at the piano and at singing?"
Ah, Chanandeler. So attractive. So flattering. So unattainable. If you continue to be all of these things, I shall spontaneously combust. I shall. Let's just go with easiest to fix and you can just stop complimenting me, K?
In other news, Matt Palmer is home. Matt Palmer of high school pre-Kristen's-whoring days fame. And ever since this news has broken, I find myself mildly incapable of normal function. I may or may not be a bit preoccupied with the idea of seeing him again. Will you please tell me how lame that is? My rational mind has been trying to tell me that since last night, when this piece of information was shared with me, but it's having no effect.
Oh, but this weekend was an historic one. Drumroll please....I had two dates this weekend. One Friday and one Saturday. I don't know what to do with myself, that is just INSANE. That has never happened to me before, ever. One of them was with the-apparently-not-lying-and-very-attractive-DJ and the other was with Brett, random boy from my ward. I was pretty sure that I wasn't into Brett prior to our date, and I'm certain now, but I figured I'd give him one courtesy date on which to possibly change my mind about my initial dating score for him.
Details of note: DJ and I held hands again, and I think he might be into me, but I'm so distracted by the prospect of Chanandeler that I'm not capable of processing my thoughts on this development.
I put a really sizable ding in the door of Brett's car at the very end of the date, which is horrible. If he asks me again, I might just say yes out of guilt.
So that's boy ness. Can I just get you to commiserate with me that my dating life has, by all accounts, recently entered a perplexing but not altogether distressing parallel universe, a complete and utter diversion from what it was? I just need someone to see this.
I really, truly love that you referred to the hot-amazing-musician man as Mrs. Chanandeler Bong. I don't know that I'm actually going to tell you what his real name is because the replacement is so dang funny. So, the hereafter-known-as-Mrs.-Chandeler-Bong boy of hotness was on Facebook chat this Thursday, and I impulsively (as is pretty much my adjective of choice for any dealings with boys) decided to just send him a little thing about how it was fun to sing together and we should do it again. I then settle in to take a middle of the day nap but am overjoyed to hear the little Facebook chat ding of happiness!!
Mrs. Chanandeler Bong has concurred, and says that he is, in fact, going over to our bishop's at just that very moment to go do some jamming (this only sounds weird if you don't know our bishop, who's awesome and incredibly good at the guitar and bass and drums and any number of musical instruments.) I tell Mrs. Bong that this is most exciting, and he says I can come along if I like.
I pretended to think about that for a little while, but I ended up going and jamming with him and the bishop. Oh, more of the singing and guitar and awesomeness. I LOVE singing with him.... La la la.... Ha ha ha...Mrs. Chanandeler Bong is so attractive. I don't think you understand. I'm pretty sure that he's not actually attracted to me - my ability to read those vibes is rarely off the mark - but he's making it annoyingly difficult not to like him. He's fun to talk to and incredibly laid back and he makes a truly unusual amount of eye contact....oh, and when I was walking by him and a girl from our ward the other day, I said hi, and I hear, as I walk away, "Did you know that Kristen's like crazy good at the piano and at singing?"
Ah, Chanandeler. So attractive. So flattering. So unattainable. If you continue to be all of these things, I shall spontaneously combust. I shall. Let's just go with easiest to fix and you can just stop complimenting me, K?
In other news, Matt Palmer is home. Matt Palmer of high school pre-Kristen's-whoring days fame. And ever since this news has broken, I find myself mildly incapable of normal function. I may or may not be a bit preoccupied with the idea of seeing him again. Will you please tell me how lame that is? My rational mind has been trying to tell me that since last night, when this piece of information was shared with me, but it's having no effect.
Oh, but this weekend was an historic one. Drumroll please....I had two dates this weekend. One Friday and one Saturday. I don't know what to do with myself, that is just INSANE. That has never happened to me before, ever. One of them was with the-apparently-not-lying-and-very-attractive-DJ and the other was with Brett, random boy from my ward. I was pretty sure that I wasn't into Brett prior to our date, and I'm certain now, but I figured I'd give him one courtesy date on which to possibly change my mind about my initial dating score for him.
Details of note: DJ and I held hands again, and I think he might be into me, but I'm so distracted by the prospect of Chanandeler that I'm not capable of processing my thoughts on this development.
I put a really sizable ding in the door of Brett's car at the very end of the date, which is horrible. If he asks me again, I might just say yes out of guilt.
So that's boy ness. Can I just get you to commiserate with me that my dating life has, by all accounts, recently entered a perplexing but not altogether distressing parallel universe, a complete and utter diversion from what it was? I just need someone to see this.
Boys
(February 28, 2011)
There's this bizarre thing happening.....It's called boys....think I'm funny. And enjoy talking to me. It's utterly perplexing, I don't know what to do with myself. I've had to recalculate my personal characterization of me as generally insufferable if you're male and not possessed of the patience of Job, and you know, I can't say that I'm overly distressed about it. I keep meeting boys in my ward and they're all full of this, "Oo, look at Kristen's sass," and "Listen to Kristen's marvelous sarcasm," and "Kristen is deliciously snarky and I just want to keep her in my life forever!" That last one may or may not have been exaggerated/fabricated by myself. We're pretending that's what boys think. And you know, I'm fully expecting a lecture intended to shrink my charmingly tumescent head. That's one of your most impressive talents, friend. If I thought I was capable myself, I'd take care of it.
But before you bring me down off my cloud, on which I am borne with marvelously colorful delusions of my own grandeur, I wish to tell you a happy story. About a boy (I feel that it is important to note, at this particular juncture, that I do, in fact, derive a great deal of pleasure in my life from things that don't have a y-chromosome. Such as my roommates, school, singing, dancing, friends, walking to school, music, etc, etc, I just don't tell you of such things because I do so hate to bore you.) Haha, so this boy is exceptionally attractive...and he sings, and he plays the guitar, and to round out the cliche, he's in my FHE family. Darharhar, please. Get all jokes about BYU marriage and fhe families out, do it now. :) Anyhow, the first time I saw him, I was like helllllloooooo, let's be friends! (And yes, I'm aware of the overuse of italics. You can handle it, I swear.) Then later, we had this awesome bishop's ball thing that was really just a decidedly unveiled attempt to recreate the dress code and atmosphere of a high school dance. Perhaps minus the three or four couples grinding awkwardly. It was truly awesome. I wore one of my fifty little black dresses and tried way too hard to look attractive, because that's genuinely fun for me. It all paid off, however. You know in movies, where girl walks into a crowded room and boy gets this your-attractiveness-just-took-a-figurative-frying-pan-to-my-face-and-all-I-can-do-is-stare-with-my-mouth-open-in-a-sweet-but-decidedly-less-than-dignified-manner look? I could be completely delusional, it wouldn't be the first time, but I will swear to you that not five seconds after I walked in, this kid legitimately had that look on his face. DUDE. THAT FACE EXISTS IN REAL LIFE!!!
And there was triumph.
There's this bizarre thing happening.....It's called boys....think I'm funny. And enjoy talking to me. It's utterly perplexing, I don't know what to do with myself. I've had to recalculate my personal characterization of me as generally insufferable if you're male and not possessed of the patience of Job, and you know, I can't say that I'm overly distressed about it. I keep meeting boys in my ward and they're all full of this, "Oo, look at Kristen's sass," and "Listen to Kristen's marvelous sarcasm," and "Kristen is deliciously snarky and I just want to keep her in my life forever!" That last one may or may not have been exaggerated/fabricated by myself. We're pretending that's what boys think. And you know, I'm fully expecting a lecture intended to shrink my charmingly tumescent head. That's one of your most impressive talents, friend. If I thought I was capable myself, I'd take care of it.
But before you bring me down off my cloud, on which I am borne with marvelously colorful delusions of my own grandeur, I wish to tell you a happy story. About a boy (I feel that it is important to note, at this particular juncture, that I do, in fact, derive a great deal of pleasure in my life from things that don't have a y-chromosome. Such as my roommates, school, singing, dancing, friends, walking to school, music, etc, etc, I just don't tell you of such things because I do so hate to bore you.) Haha, so this boy is exceptionally attractive...and he sings, and he plays the guitar, and to round out the cliche, he's in my FHE family. Darharhar, please. Get all jokes about BYU marriage and fhe families out, do it now. :) Anyhow, the first time I saw him, I was like helllllloooooo, let's be friends! (And yes, I'm aware of the overuse of italics. You can handle it, I swear.) Then later, we had this awesome bishop's ball thing that was really just a decidedly unveiled attempt to recreate the dress code and atmosphere of a high school dance. Perhaps minus the three or four couples grinding awkwardly. It was truly awesome. I wore one of my fifty little black dresses and tried way too hard to look attractive, because that's genuinely fun for me. It all paid off, however. You know in movies, where girl walks into a crowded room and boy gets this your-attractiveness-just-took-a-figurative-frying-pan-to-my-face-and-all-I-can-do-is-stare-with-my-mouth-open-in-a-sweet-but-decidedly-less-than-dignified-manner look? I could be completely delusional, it wouldn't be the first time, but I will swear to you that not five seconds after I walked in, this kid legitimately had that look on his face. DUDE. THAT FACE EXISTS IN REAL LIFE!!!
And there was triumph.
Excerpt of Life
I slack. I know. Get over it. I've decided that I'll be posting random shiz from the last year or so, as copied from my emails to a friend. I'm all about efficiency. Gear up, life's about to get interesting around here.
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