Friend Reply 2

Second. Nate.

Hate to break it to you (babe, but I'm not drowning, there's no one here to save, la la la la la, wait, I'm supposed to be writing, oops. Well now that will be in my head for three weeks....)
Hate to break it to you, babe, but I think you already know the answers to your own internal fears.

Example A - " I generally only flirted with guys I was genuinely attracted to, and was simply nice to everyone else." Except that you were attracted to a lot of people who you never actually intended to do anything with, and were unwilling (or perhaps genuinely naive) as to the likelihood of them reciprocating these affections, and so you flirted with many people, thinking 'Hey, you're attractive. And you, too. And you. Luckily no harm will come from all of this flirting, because I know none of you like me, so none of you will even notice that I'm flirting with lots of people, because none of you pay any attention to the fact that I'm flirting with several different, attractive people.' Ok, I know, that was rude, and I apologize. I'm mainly just leaving it in to see what your reaction is like. Because I do, honestly believe that you didn't think any of them would reciprocate.

Example B - "so I flirt with Nate a sickening amount. Even I will say that." You asked me to name examples. Any examples I name, you'll just challenge. So sticking only with examples you, yourself have acknowledged, we have Max, Nate, and Vargo.

Example C - "But I've gotten to this weird place in which I will cheerfully flirt with anyone that is decent-looking but more importantly, really wants me to flirt with them." Ummm...kind of proves their point.

Example D - "I get on such power trips with boys." Proving their point more....

Example E - "They should never, ever let me know that anything I'm doing is having an effect on them. Unless, of course, they're eager to see me gleefully abuse that power just because I enjoy knowing that they want me." You are, at this point, offering their argument stronger supporting facts and concrete evidence than any they have yet managed to conceive themselves.

And to cap it all off:

Example F - " I never flirt with boys with the express purpose of getting anything, except...for funsies, I suppose." To guys, there is rarely funsies. There is generally purpose. Not when guys flirt...obviously guys have a TOTAL double-standard in this regard. But in how guys interpret girls flirting. Definitely. (And in case you're wondering, I totally wrote interpretate the first time I went through this)

Anyway....
"I can't imagine you really enjoy hearing all the ins and outs of how my everpresent whoring continues to evolve."

Even have a journal entry dedicated to this very point. Ok, less of a journal entry and more of a journal line. But still. The fact that so many of our conversations include things about all of your boy toys did make it into my journal.

"I find that not only do I have ABSOLUTELY no idea what or who I want, ever (and certainly no idea of how to wait for what I want, if I discover it), I'm tromping all over boys with very little concern about what it does to them as I try to discover it."

Sounds like you need to give yourself some of the counseling you tried to give to Heather.

And final thought (even though I know you gave up on this email ages ago), 'I've flirted so much I no longer know whether or not I like him,' if possibly the worst reason ever discovered in the history of reasons to continue down any path, friendly flirting or otherwise, with Nate. Especially in lieu of your 'I'm going to have relationships,' 'No, I'm not,' 'Yes, I am,' constant circling.