Typing with Guitar in Lap

(August 14, 2011)
I'm sitting at my dad's very new computer with his very old twelve string in my lap and kind of playing this while I type this. It's difficult. Unsurprisingly. Why don't I put it down, you may ask? An excellent question. One that I similarly unsurprisingly can't answer for you. Just thought you should know how awesome and musical I am and more, you should be impressed that I'm learning to play a lot of songs on the guitar just by listening to them. And when I say "learning to play", I mean "messing about with a passable rendition of", but I expect exclamations of wonder nonetheless.

Other things that you should note, my brain is flipping subjects at the speed of light. No, that's giving it too much credit. I'm wandering aimlessly from less-than-groundbreaking thought to less-than-groundbreaking thought at a rather unusually brisk pace for aimless wandering. A glorified, acute ADD. So, as with many of my previous emails, understand that this one is not going to be Pulitzer-worthy. And really scatterbrained. But at least I moved the twelve string.

As to Nate: more developments on that front. But first:

Rebuttal A - " I do, honestly believe that you didn't think any of them would reciprocate." I actually wanted to copy all of your Example A, but that would have been kind of dumb and this sums things up nicely. I wanted to paste the entire thing in here because that was easily the scariest knowledge you have ever displayed of the inner workings of my brain. Ever. The little quote you posted about what I thought as I flirted with boys? I can say with roughly ninety percent accuracy that I've thought almost those precise words to myself before. I can't imagine why you thought saying it was rude. It was one hundred percent true. I absolutely didn't think anyone I flirted with would reciprocate. I'd say that I'm still certain of that, but considering the way you worded that, I'm having doubts.

Rebuttal B - "So sticking only with examples you, yourself have acknowledged, we have....Vargo." SACRILEGE. I DID NOT FLIRT WITH VARGO.

Rebuttal C,D, and E - You may be right. And deeply hilarious. My only defense is that I still assume that the strongest reaction I'll ever get from the average boy is attraction. Not actual liking to an extent that would leave them hurt, should they discover that I flirt for fun.

Rebuttal F - "To guys, there is rarely funsies. There is generally purpose." Ha, well I know that. I think it's kind of hilarious how enormously different boys and girls are in this regard. Bahahaha I even have very recent examples. I love that boys will take any provocation, and I mean ANY, to believe that a girl is into them (this is less the case for shyer boys, but given the right kind of flirting, those fall prey to this as well). "Dude, she touched my arm....she wants me so bad." "She smiled at me when we were talking. She wants me so bad." Or even, and I will grant you that this is less stupid, "She was flirting with me. Even I could tell she was flirting with me. Dude. She is obviously obsessed with me to a disturbing, stalkerish extent." (Cough Colton-Matheson-after-our-first-encounter cough). Whereas girls are constantly, constantly looking for reasons to believe that boys aren't interested. Hahaha Jackie, my roommate, has been driving me mad even as she makes me laugh by talking about this boy for hours on end and how he obviously just wants to be friends. This kid has been texting her every day, calling her every day, hanging out with her every night, and flirts with her. Definitely. But every night, she'd come home from hanging out with him and say, in stubborn opposition to my claims that he wants her, really bad, "We've been hanging out for three weeks and he hasn't held my hand!! He doesn't like me. It sucks." They kissed on Friday. Sigh. I'm always right. When will everyone learn? When? Ha, my other roommate, Winnie, has been similarly, annoyingly hilarious of late.
"Kristen, I'm giving up on this boy."
"Why, Win?"
"Because he keeps being busy. Which he might be, but if he really liked me, that wouldn't be a big deal."
"I'm sorry, that does suck. How long has he been busy?"
"Well, he hasn't asked me to hang out since Monday.."
"Winnie, it's noon on Wednesday."
"Gah, he doesn't like me...."

Sigh. You see? I mean, you probably already knew about this hilarious tendency of girls, but at least I wait a good several weeks before giving up. I was amusedly annoyed that my roommates had the privilege of giving up on boys who text them every day. Freak, I waited for Zander for two weeks. He didn't talk to me at all during that time. Obviously, he didn't like me enough to keep me, but even he liked me more than I was concerned he did at the time.

Did I have a point with all that sharing? Hmm....Can't remember. It's just funny.

Oh, actually, yes, I did. Which is that while I'm aware that boys are given to assume that girls want them when girls flirt with them, I'm afraid that I (at least used to) assume that guys making the assumption that I liked them wouldn't be a big deal. If they were right, well, meh, the lack of subtlety is nothing new from me. And I don't care overmuch if guys are aware I want them. I suck at game playing. As a deeply inconveniently placed tangent, if it seems like I'm playing games with a boy, it's because I'm not particularly certain as to my level of attraction to him. And he should run. RUN. Returning to my original thought, however, if boys are wrong in their assumptions re: my liking of them, than so what? Worst case scenario, they find me a little creepy, best case scenario, they get a bit of an ego boost. I don't often consider, as I should, that I could do some damage if the boy in question likes me.

Please expound on what, exactly, it was you wrote regarding my obnoxious oversharing as regards my boys. I'd really love to hear it :P

Haha and you were quite right about confusion borne of flirting being a horrible reason to do anything. Sadly, I didn't listen.

This is where I share the more as regards the Nate story. I hung out with him again last night. He is a perplexing human being. As stated a few paragraphs up, I've always known that if there's any level of confusion regarding my feelings on a boy, and there's a significant chance that he cares about what my feelings are towards him, I should extricate myself from his life tout de suite. Because "maybe" is a very dangerous word when it comes to me. I used to have very strong yes's or no's as regards whether or not I would date boys. I don't know that there was really anyone in high school that received a maybe. But the older I get, the more maybe's I meet.

But I was talking about Nate, wasn't I? hahaha.....I did the stupid almost kissing flirting again. We were much closer to kissing this time. Once again, I bless Nate's wisdom in not doing anything. I have no excuse. I do wish that he wouldn't egg me on. ("You just ruffled your hair because you know it looks sexy like that, didn't you? Gross." "Oh, my, DON'T look at me like that..." "Gah! You are way too good at that!") But I have no defense for my behavior. NONE. Lecture me. Lecture me, please. Maybe I'll listen to you. Even though I'm not listening to intelligent, makes good decisions Kristen. I should listen to that little voice that's ALWAYS right a little more often.

Ha, I'm exhausting myself. Perhaps this is how we'll go about it, exhausting ourselves and each other with the most present issues in our lives of late, because we wish to find answers but are uncertain how to get them. Of course, it's terrible of me to compare my petty stupid boy ness with your search for meaning, but you know....whatever. It's me. I'm insensitive.