Nate Saga Continues

(August 8, 2011)
I don't suppose you have any substantial foundation for that "you view flirting as far more innocent than boys do" comment, do you? By that I mean: "this person felt like you were genuinely into him when I know for a fact you were flirting recreationally". Because if you've any tales of that nature, I'd really like to hear them. If for no other reason than that I'm still attempting to fairly assess just how correct Nate and Cade were about me.

Haha, actually, funny things to share as regards Nate Brown. First of all, my dad dated his mom in high school. I think I genuinely cried tears of mirth on this discovery. This world is infinitesimally small. This second bit, though....I haven't told anyone this yet. You might be the only person I tell, actually, and you should feel incredibly loved that I would choose to do that :) Or, you know, thank the fact that you're half a world away and cannot really share this with anyone who'd care, but let's go with the first. Ha, so I flirt with Nate a sickening amount. Even I will say that. See, he may be correct that my flirting is out of hand now. In high school, I generally only flirted with guys I was genuinely attracted to, and was simply nice to everyone else. But I've gotten to this weird place in which I will cheerfully flirt with anyone that is decent-looking but more importantly, really wants me to flirt with them. I'm getting annoyingly good at being able to tell who wants me. Not that that's even a very long list, mind you. But I'm becoming a rather grotesquely egotistical person as a result. And I get a major high from flirting with guys who want me.

So, you see, Nate may have been right about me after all.

But the true clencher in all of this business is that Nate happens to be someone who fits into the above category. That being: almost someone I'd be attracted to and decidedly interested. And I've never met anyone who reacts better to my fliritng in my entire life. He does this noise of exasperation all the time and is constantly saying things like, "Oh my, you know exactly what you're doing right now. Don't even play all innocent with me." and "You are way too good at this." and "Gross, you practice that face in the mirror, don't you." He really has no idea what cataclysmically stupid things these are to say to me. I get on such power trips with boys. They should never, ever let me know that anything I'm doing is having an effect on them. Unless, of course, they're eager to see me gleefully abuse that power just because I enjoy knowing that they want me. Funny thing, I don't even use it to get anything. I never flirt with boys with the express purpose of getting anything, except an ego boost or the boy themselves (or for funsies, I suppose). But Nate....gah. He makes it too easy. And he'll even half say, ALL THE TIME, that he thinks I'm super attractive. THIS IS SUCH A BAD IDEA WITH ME!!!!

(Caveat to the "I'm such a good, non-manipulative person" - that does have an exception. I did, in fact, flirt Nate into telling me who warned him about me. Only time I've done it on purpose, I swear.)

Anyway, geez, that was a frickload of buildup, what I'm saying is that I've flirted with Nate to such an extent that I don't know, anymore, whether I want him or not. Originally, I was one hundred percent certain that that was a no, but now, I've actually managed to flirt myself out of knowing whether I like him or not. I think it has something to do with an overthrow of cognitive dissonance or something. Anyhow, I was flirting with him so aggressively last night that he had what was, by all account, fifty kinds of enormous green lights to kiss me. Yup. The only reason I didn't kiss Nate last night was because he has more self control than I do. Sigh. This evening was naturally followed by a texting conversation in which I was like, "Uh, so....I know I spit out all kinds of contorted denial when you call me a player...and you're still wrong....but, um....you should probably be really careful. Kinda like tonight. Keep that up. Please don't trust me. Please."

And he laughed at me.

I don't really know why I'm telling you all this. I can't imagine you really enjoy hearing all the ins and outs of how my everpresent whoring continues to evolve :P It just happens to be the most pressing concern of my life at present.

If you have thoughts, I'd really appreciate them. Mostly, I'm just disturbed because I always used to think that the problem resided in the fact that no one ever wanted me. But now, I find that not only do I have ABSOLUTELY no idea what or who I want, ever (and certainly no idea of how to wait for what I want, if I discover it), I'm tromping all over boys with very little concern about what it does to them as I try to discover it.