Unimportant Email

(August 1, 2011)
The most peculiar development I have to report (and the one on which I'd most desire your thoughts) is that I talked to Cade and Nate for hours on end last night. Be warned, before I share this particular anecdote, that this is basically me being defensive and all self-righteously indignant at accusations made. I really hope that you'll concur that they are wrong. But if you do not....I will need you to set me straight. There's really just a lot hanging on this.

See Nate, upon meeting me, was apparently under the strong impression that I'm a player. No, seriously. He told Cade (and later me, when I asked him to relay this) that I just seem like a girl who knows she's ridiculously good looking and uses those good looks to get under boys' skin and just ruthlessly mess with their emotions. I made great efforts to convince Nate that he couldn't be more wrong (although I was enormously, if shallowly, flattered that he'd think I was good looking enough to be capable of this). Our conversation last night began with a friendly discussion on the matter. I was trying to give evidence to the contrary. He simply didn't believe that I'd never had a boyfriend, although he ended up twisting that into simply more evidence that I'm a player - fourteen boys kissed and not one a relationship. He was super annoying about not believing that boys didn't want me in high school, either. I so wished that I could have had boys like Colton and Mike and basically any number of boys in your little crowd around to help me out. They are the epitome of boys in high school: to them, I was insufferable and mildly repugnant. And freaking Nate refused to believe that this was the case!! And he kept acting as though I was some kind of manipulative harpy!!! It was so frustrating. I ended up telling all sorts of things about making out with douchebags and problems with my brother, in effort to help him understand that I'm not that way, that I don't really like the way things in my past have gone down and I make every effort not to hurt anyone else, even if, yes, I do go to similarly astronomical lengths to avoid getting hurt myself. One of my number one life rules is never, ever, ever to lead boys on if it is avoidable. Yet here he was accusing me of making it not only a habit, but a favored pastime.

The saddest part is that for all that sharing, he still didn't believe that I'm not a player. He and Cade just kept saying that I flirt way too much and that I hurt boys' feelings all the time. Can I get some back up here? I don't have that kind of power!!! Boys don't generally like me that much!! I have hurt very very few boys in my time! Yes, it has happened, and I will accept responsibility for those times that it has, but for the most part, I can do what I want with impunity!! Make out with them? Flirt with them? Cuddle with them? They all act as though they're doing me favors by allowing these things to go on. They certainly aren't upset when I tromp out of their lives. Well, lately, I suppose, they have been, but the last year has been something like a freak accident of my dating career.

I'm sorry, the indignation continues. The other perplexing thing is that they kept talking about how "everyone" apparently knew that I made out with lots of guys in high school. Dude. None of our friends knew. I swear when I mentioned that I'd kissed more than five people in Mexico, they all looked at me with a decidedly unflattering degree of astonishment. Yes, I can actually find more than five people I know who are not opposed to the idea of locking lips with me. I know just how hard that is to believe for you, but can you please try to suspend disbelief long enough to entertain the idea that not everyone finds me insufferable?

Sorry. I don't even know how, exactly, I'd like you to respond. You probably won't, anyway, I honestly don't have the greatest of hopes for you reading this at all. But if you'd like to agree... I mean, if you do agree....I'd appreciate that. And if you have commentary to offer, that would be more appreciated. The reason that this is so important is that maybe they are correct...in a way. Obviously I'm not a player. But certainly the flirting...I should cut back. If for nothing other than "it makes you look like a dumb girl, especially at our age," as Cade says. Ouch.

And yes, I know I didn't handle the Max thing of last summer, the Brian thing of this spring, or the Vargo thing particularly well. But still.