Profundity.

(March 27, 2011)
I'm feeling strangely introspective at the moment. I think that it may have something to do with the fact that I've been listening to my "Mellow" playlist for a while now, and I keep losing the general thread of my thoughts and then catching them again at the tail end of really dramatic lyrical phrases and it's doing some seriously bizarre things to my ability to feel coherent.
I've decided that, for the first time, I'm going to respond as fully and clearly to everything you told me last week, since I usually just gabble (why yes, that IS a word now) on about nothing and joyfulness and such, and I don't know that that's fair. :)
Alright, so:
First, I'm mildly entertained that you'd advise me against attempting to see Matt in the immediate future. Haha, I don't suppose you remember how often it was that I sought out the company of one Andrew Smith, do you? We were in the same room only when it was essentially inescapable for me. I didn't ever really call him up or make an attempt to hang out with him. At least not by senior year. And this is because I am, in fact, a pansy, and go out of my way to avoid boys that I want and can't have. Matt stands in no danger of me encroaching on his recently-returnededness. :) Believe me. I may never see the kid again. I just made the comment because I think it's lame that I have any preoccupation with the idea at all. I definitely never had any intention of making good on it :P
Second, my thoughts on the DJ now, since we hung out again on Friday (I don't really think it qualifies as a date), is that he's grand and most definitely not for me. See, I wasn't particularly forthcoming on my thoughts about him last week because while I do think he's quite attractive indeed, there is a serious lack of easy conversation. It's not like a firing squad of awkward or anything, but certainly not a level at which I'd like to date someone. And his death knell was sounded when I met his friends this weekend. They're all really awesome, funny, nice guys, absolutely. But we don't so much.... get each other. If that's relatively understandable. And if I don't feel comfortable around a guy's friends, well, that's a surprisingly significant deal breaker for me. I'd never want to take someone away from their friends, and you know how excited I am about hanging out with people who make me uncomfortable. So excited that I'm compelled to adjourn to my house. Alone. Haha, so, yes, there's no more of that, but I genuinely really doubt that he'll be particularly torn up - trust me, there wasn't a whole lot there on either side.
Fifth, no mention was made of frying-pan-Sam because he's dropped from my sit-com for the most part in recent weeks. A shame, but we'll see if he makes a comeback. I'm fairly certain that I'm kind of his "I'm pretty sure she's an option if I run out of first-string players" girl, and that's fine, because he may or may not fill the same roll for me. Fun to flirt with, though.
Last of all, it's intriguing that you'd mention the boy with the car ding, because....er.....welll.......I may have seriously, seriously muddled that one. As in a rather humiliating snafu has occurred on that front. I am ashamed. You shall be ashamed for me too, before I have finished. I really wish that I could just not tell you this, but....I feel obligated.
So, unlike you, I don't feel that Brett deserved a second date, because I felt that that would just give him an opportunity to make an imprudent investiture of time and money in me, which doesn't seem right to me, and to give him the impression that I was more interested than I was, which REALLY doesn't seem acceptable. I was worried that I'd have to mention something about the marvels of friendship in the near future, but had no immediate plans to do so unless he actually asked me on that second date.
Following our first date, however, his texting became more frequent, to the tune of daily missives regarding my plans, my day, etc. My roommate and one of his are dating, and according to her, he was really starting to like me. I was distressed by this fact. Also perplexed. Not that I'm not likable, but that someone like him would like me....he's all warm and fuzzy and feeling-y and stuff. Like....I'm so deeply unclassy to say this....but rather more girl than I am. Did I mention that he pursued one of my other roommates prior to me? And apparently had several conversations with her discussing, in depth, the many wrongs wrought upon him by the hoydens he'd dated in the past?
Sigh. I never think that bodes well. Ever.
Anyhow. The apparent liking concerned me, but I had no immediate plan to take action until I had a conversation with a roommate and a guy friend, both of whom said that by regularly returning his texts and talking to him about relationships and dating (even my dates with other guys, which I'd thought would have the opposite effect) were leading this kid on.
Generally, although I'm not always marvelous at behaving in concert with this idea, I don't believe in leading boys on, if I can help it. At the encouragement of my roommates and this guy friend, I sent Brett a text that, I hoped, would clarify the idea I was going for while pretending to be unaware that he was truly interested.
This is a very very close approximation of the text: "Hey, so I know that this is just a friendly thing and everything, but just in the spirit of ensuring that we're on the same page, friends is good."
In fact, that might be the wording exactly. And yes, although my saying this is not going to keep YOU from your lecture, I know it was stupid. Stupid, and arrogant, and perhaps even a little condescending, and really just egregiously inadvisable. A whole host of unfortunate adjectives. Oh, I know. I should learn to listen to my own gut and not other people.
I will briefly speak for the defense, though, and say that I genuinely thought that I was doing the right thing, or an approximation thereof. I certainly wasn't prepared for his reaction, though.
First of all, he asked me why I said that. This made me nervous. I think I said something weak and unfortunate like, "because....friendship....yay....." and then he's like, no, seriously, why would you feel like you had to say that? I think I said something weak and unfortunate again, to the effect of, "er....sorry, because I'm mildly delusional, obviously....." His follow-up three page text said that he knew exactly how I felt after the date and that my text was completely unnecessary and that he was totally reading that I was not into him. [Side note, you're not really going to escape a blow-by-blow of the text convo at this point. I apologize, and then undermine my apology by continuing:] I told him that I was just trying to be sure that we knew where everything stood, and that I wasn't accusing him of being obtuse or anything of that nature.
His abjectly mystifying response, "So you're saying I shouldn't write you off, then?"
Uhhhhhhh..............Did I just send....that? Perplexed, I responded with the stupidest, and most egregiously lacking-in-tact text of this conversation: "Oh, definitely write me off. But I'm perplexed that you're so disgruntled about this - I know I could have said this better, but I really don't believe in giving others false hope."
He then said he was mad because of my assumption, and asked if I just assumed that every RM was falling in love with me
Ha, just got a text from the man himself asking if I had a good day. Believe this is a stab at casual conversation.
Continuing with regularly scheduled programming, however - I told him that generally, no, but usually my friends don't ask me on dates or text me every day, so I was just jumping to conclusions based on previous experience, and was wrong, apparently.
End of story, he was deeply bugged. Oh, and he insisted that it would have been better if I'd just asked him up front whether or not he liked me....Which I really don't agree with. If he saw where that was going, he'd probably have said no, and if he did in fact like me and I'm not the world's most repugnantly conceited person, he might have thought I was going to tell him I liked him.
Really, I think that the only way to make that better would have been for me not to say anything at all.
Let's see, other things of note.....Mrs. Chanandeler Bong is the one I want. For definitely. And I'm worried that I can't have him, but also worried that if I believe that, it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's throwing everything off-kilter and I'm just not taking action at all, of late. Which is going to kill my chances whether I had any in the first place or not.... Annoying.