(October 23, 2011)
I'm in a rather dismal sort of mood tonight. Haha the sad thing is that I know exactly why, and it's because I've been focusing too much on myself. As well as perhaps sparing too much time for the fact that I'm single. Therefore, I will do my best to actually make this email about you, but I'm feeling pathetic and my sister was not satisfactorily able to have a therapy sesh with me today. You've been warned :)
Hey, at least you've already gotten two solid emails from me this week.
You may not want to read the next bit, because it's undoubtedly going to be rambling, interminable, and whinging, and on top of the already unfortunate nature of this epistle, that's bad indeed.
Aren't you happy I continue to email you? :)
As regards what's going down on the home front - that's the new title for my dating life -
Most importantly, and somewhat hilariously, I tell you about two blind dates which are going absolutely NOWHERE and you respond with mounting concern for my state of chronic singleness? Ha, honey, obviously I'm not as obnoxious in print as I am in person; you have clearly forgotten my ability to be just off-putting enough to rule myself out of just about anyone's dating pool.
The reason I'm distressed tonight actually stems directly from that, and I have a great deal to say on that front. Feel free to skip and then just tell me I'm pretty in your reply, if you're running low on time/really just don't want to read this.
The catalyst to my distress is embarrassing. Try not to judge me too harshly. Stephen's dating a really sweet, really awesome girl from my old ward; she lived downstairs from me. This is not a remotely surprising development, as I knew that she liked him and my radar had affirmed that he was at least somewhat into her this spring, just before he started showing clear interest in me. I am quite genuinely happy for the both of them; I think they'd make a good couple (loads better than he and I would), I think she's good for him, and I really do think the world of her.
None of these great, magnanimous thoughts keep me from being upset that I wasn't good enough for him, however. Ah, it sounds so deeply lame. I'm so much better than caring about a boy.....Sigh. The extra funny thing is that when I shared this with my friends, they were positively incensed on my behalf - "Oh, my, he told you he wasn't ready to date because of religion and he's dating her? Like two months later?! That's such a douchebag move! Of course you're justified in being unhappy!!" But I'm not angry at him for this. I genuinely do not believe that he did anything wrong. I think that he was trying to keep from making me sad. If you recall, we discussed the possibility that his given defense for our lack of relationship was in fact his attempt to spare my feelings, when the real reason he didn't want a relationship was that he didn't want one with me, that what he meant was "Kristen, you're not attractive. I cannot pretend any longer."
I knew it was a possibility, and I'm very much on board with someone lying to me if the reason they don't want me is something not within my power to change. I'm way too fragile for that amount of candor. But no, I'm just upset because...boo...I liked him.
It's so embarrassing. Sigh.
The truly unfortunate part of all this is that I'm now on a bender of relationship and self review. Which is why I needed my sister's thoughts today. We spoke briefly, before she left to go eat with her husband or some such nonsense. Pffft. Haha, the conversation went something like this:
"Heather, I'm almost 21 years old and I've never had a boyfriend. That's so weird! Nobody does that!! There's got to be something up, but I don't know that I'm brave enough to go digging around for the actual root of this particular problem. I have a million different possible answers but I'm not sure which one is the actual one."
Heather: "You get too competitive with boys, you get all defensive. You're always trying to prove a point; you want them to think of you a certain way. You need boys to know that you're smart."
Me: "Well, my attitude could be the problem....but I swear guys like it. A lot of them do, anyway...."
Heather: " Well, maybe you only want what you can't have. Sometimes I wonder if you're genuinely turned off when guys actually want to date you."
Heather and I have had this conversation a lot. She's convinced that I only like unattainable guys, that my standards are too high and that I never give boys a chance.
But the fact is....I always end up hurting guys when I give them a chance against my initial judgment. ALWAYS.
She might still be right.
Oh, and the other reason I'm unhappy is that I don't think I'm getting anywhere with that attractive boy in my ward.
But I feel happier now because he just came and banged on my window and talked to me for a little while.
Ha, here's the song I wrote for him, as promised:
But you are in serious trouble if you mock my lack of poetic ability because, dude, this fell into my head over the course of about thirty minutes, and I thought it was funny, so I put it to music.
I'm noticing
Those damn fine jeans
For which you paid too much
And all your v-neck shirts
-boy, do you know you're flirting?
You sure don't mind my touch
But am I really gonna have to wait it out?
Wait for you to sack up and take me out -
Would it help if I just asked you
Ty, tell me whyyyyyyyy.....
we can't make out?
(there's la-ing here. And at the beginning of the song. It's all wonderfully catchy.)
Second verse!
I heard you dress down
A girl in a fast round
One night at your place.
A beauty spectacular
In your vernacular
You didn't like her face
Yeah, with that, more than subtext,
(albeit out of context)
I'm starting to have my doubts.
Meh, whatever you said,
I know you want me instead. So, whyyyyyyyyy....
Can't we make out?
And there will be more, at some point...I hope. This is actually close to the catchiest song I've ever written. Also, something to note, the first song I've wrote about a guy before things went south. All my other songs are more like, "Boo....I'm not pretty enough for you....Let me sing about it to an incongruously happy tune...."
Ha. Now you're about to beg me to start writing you snail mail, if only to turn this weekly insanity to something more along the lines of monthly.
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