(November 27, 2011)
Alright, things to say, things to say. Lots of boy drama this week, and since you've promised to actually reply, I should probably respond in kind and healthily address your comments before I mention those. Let's get to that :)
Perplexion should be a word, if it's not. And no, I hadn't really been jealous before. Not like that, anyhow. This is because in all other scenarios when I've liked a guy and his interests lie elsewhere, I've assumed that I'm not good enough for him, told myself he doesn't like me, and proceeded to find as many possible traits in his object of attraction that are better than my own. I really wish that that weren't true, by the way, because I feel like you're going to express skepticism on that score, but genuinely. But with Trace, I liked him and knew he was interested enough that I wasn't ok with the flirting. It was a new feeling
(and yes, I know that this qualifies as boy drama, but I'm directly replying to things said in your email, so I hope that I get a bye on this score. Thank you.)
Yes, that image of a gladiator fight to the death is a great one. Even if it was rapidly replaced, in my head, with that scene from Mean Girls where she envisions leaping across a cafeteria table at Regina George. May I just say, I miss that movie. It's been too long.
I was going to share boy drama. Good heavens, do I even have the energy....I've forced so many people to listen to this recently. Jackie heard the Reader's Digest version, Heather talked to me about it for HOURS yesterday. I'm going to report as well as I can, but if I simply fail in the middle of it and just close this email, I hope you will understand.
First of all, the Trace. Things were going pretty well with him. I'd decided that I wasn't going to kiss him until December, and not simply until our third date, as I usually do. We went on a few dates since my last epistle, and we seemed to get along decently well. There was no crazy spark or connection, though, so I felt it prudent that I was taking time here - no hand-holding or cuddling. He had little things that were questionable, to me, but not significant. These things included that his favorite movies were horror films (especially exorcism movies. Dude. Something wrong there), that he had no particular opinion on music of any sort (quelle horreur!) and finally that there simply wasn't that feisty, entertaining back-and-forth that I've come to expect from a good flirtatious pairing between myself and a boy. All of the above were details, however, because as he proved to be 1) nice, 2) interesting, 3) interested, and 4) good-looking, I felt that I should really give him some time to prove himself either way before I removed him from the pool.
Then, we went on a date on Tuesday night. This was really only our second technical date, and I was still kind of up in the air as to my feelings about him. However, he hadn't been overtly flirtatious or ostensibly aggressive, so I didn't worry about him forcing my hand on the decision not to kiss him for awhile. He seemed nice and genuinely into me and decidedly not a closer. You know, not a man of action. Bahaha, double meanings, I kill myself.
Anyhow, this date, we came back to my house to watch a film and were cuddling, just as I planned, and was quite ok with. I knew he was thinking about kissing me, and I considered it for a little bit and decided that it probably wouldn't be more than a brief kiss, and that it could be argued that this was our third date, and since he seemed like a good guy, I felt that there were worse decisions I could make. Just after I'd come to this conclusion, he leaned in and kissed me.
And thwarted every possible expectation I had and threw me into a bit of a crisis for the next, oh, forty-eight or so hours.
He was so aggressive and unpleasantly pushy and just...everything was so overwhelming. Not to mention awkward. My roommates walked into our front room like eighty times. There was some point in there, amid the awkwardness and misfortune, I realized that this was not an "I sincerely like you" gesture. It was enormously clear to me that this was either a hookup or he had very weird ideas about dating. Blech. I may have hooked up a number of times before (you could make an argument for every time, in fact), but I've never felt so unpleasantly used as I did after this particular unfortunate dalliance. I usually have an excellent ear for the boys who just want to make out with me; usually can tell exactly what it is boys expect from me. But I was utterly and totally surprised by this. I was right, as well, because he still has not talked to me at all.
It's going to be AWKWARD to catch his eye in the CAEDM later.
Gah. Anyhow. So that ended. And I was unfortunately forcibly reminded of Stephen for the enormous contrast he offered - that kid didn't even like me all that much, and he still treated me with way more respect than that.
Alright, so I don't have the energy for full disclosure of all other things that happened this week, so condensing:
1) Boy named Grant who's in my ward. Funny, attractive, intelligent without being insufferable (a rare find indeed), and apparently, very interested. Told me to my face that he thought I was sexy. We have long conversations, both deep and entertainingly bantering, but only over texts thus far [I've only recently given him a chance, as I was previously preoccupied with Trace].
2) Colin (who I don't know that you remember or not...made out with him at the end of the Ryan conflagration) hung out with me Friday and went to great lengths to try and get me to kiss him. I did not. It was a really big deal. To be fair, I still allowed some considerably more involved cuddling than I ought, but...as Jackie says....baby steps, right?
3) Hung out with Justin Miles (friend of Heather's Lance), who likes to tell me I'm pretty, last night, got involved in extended arm tracing that ended in cuddling as well.
Basically, in one week, I've gotten vaguely skanky. That was the major thing I wanted to discuss with my sister - it distresses me that I do these things against my better judgment.
I just don't know anymore.
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