Second. Nate.
Hate to break it to you (babe, but I'm not drowning, there's no one here to save, la la la la la, wait, I'm supposed to be writing, oops. Well now that will be in my head for three weeks....)
Hate to break it to you, babe, but I think you already know the answers to your own internal fears.
Example A - " I generally only flirted with guys I was genuinely attracted to, and was simply nice to everyone else." Except that you were attracted to a lot of people who you never actually intended to do anything with, and were unwilling (or perhaps genuinely naive) as to the likelihood of them reciprocating these affections, and so you flirted with many people, thinking 'Hey, you're attractive. And you, too. And you. Luckily no harm will come from all of this flirting, because I know none of you like me, so none of you will even notice that I'm flirting with lots of people, because none of you pay any attention to the fact that I'm flirting with several different, attractive people.' Ok, I know, that was rude, and I apologize. I'm mainly just leaving it in to see what your reaction is like. Because I do, honestly believe that you didn't think any of them would reciprocate.
Example B - "so I flirt with Nate a sickening amount. Even I will say that." You asked me to name examples. Any examples I name, you'll just challenge. So sticking only with examples you, yourself have acknowledged, we have Max, Nate, and Vargo.
Example C - "But I've gotten to this weird place in which I will cheerfully flirt with anyone that is decent-looking but more importantly, really wants me to flirt with them." Ummm...kind of proves their point.
Example D - "I get on such power trips with boys." Proving their point more....
Example E - "They should never, ever let me know that anything I'm doing is having an effect on them. Unless, of course, they're eager to see me gleefully abuse that power just because I enjoy knowing that they want me." You are, at this point, offering their argument stronger supporting facts and concrete evidence than any they have yet managed to conceive themselves.
And to cap it all off:
Example F - " I never flirt with boys with the express purpose of getting anything, except...for funsies, I suppose." To guys, there is rarely funsies. There is generally purpose. Not when guys flirt...obviously guys have a TOTAL double-standard in this regard. But in how guys interpret girls flirting. Definitely. (And in case you're wondering, I totally wrote interpretate the first time I went through this)
Anyway....
"I can't imagine you really enjoy hearing all the ins and outs of how my everpresent whoring continues to evolve."
Even have a journal entry dedicated to this very point. Ok, less of a journal entry and more of a journal line. But still. The fact that so many of our conversations include things about all of your boy toys did make it into my journal.
"I find that not only do I have ABSOLUTELY no idea what or who I want, ever (and certainly no idea of how to wait for what I want, if I discover it), I'm tromping all over boys with very little concern about what it does to them as I try to discover it."
Sounds like you need to give yourself some of the counseling you tried to give to Heather.
And final thought (even though I know you gave up on this email ages ago), 'I've flirted so much I no longer know whether or not I like him,' if possibly the worst reason ever discovered in the history of reasons to continue down any path, friendly flirting or otherwise, with Nate. Especially in lieu of your 'I'm going to have relationships,' 'No, I'm not,' 'Yes, I am,' constant circling.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Nate Saga Continues
(August 8, 2011)
I don't suppose you have any substantial foundation for that "you view flirting as far more innocent than boys do" comment, do you? By that I mean: "this person felt like you were genuinely into him when I know for a fact you were flirting recreationally". Because if you've any tales of that nature, I'd really like to hear them. If for no other reason than that I'm still attempting to fairly assess just how correct Nate and Cade were about me.
Haha, actually, funny things to share as regards Nate Brown. First of all, my dad dated his mom in high school. I think I genuinely cried tears of mirth on this discovery. This world is infinitesimally small. This second bit, though....I haven't told anyone this yet. You might be the only person I tell, actually, and you should feel incredibly loved that I would choose to do that :) Or, you know, thank the fact that you're half a world away and cannot really share this with anyone who'd care, but let's go with the first. Ha, so I flirt with Nate a sickening amount. Even I will say that. See, he may be correct that my flirting is out of hand now. In high school, I generally only flirted with guys I was genuinely attracted to, and was simply nice to everyone else. But I've gotten to this weird place in which I will cheerfully flirt with anyone that is decent-looking but more importantly, really wants me to flirt with them. I'm getting annoyingly good at being able to tell who wants me. Not that that's even a very long list, mind you. But I'm becoming a rather grotesquely egotistical person as a result. And I get a major high from flirting with guys who want me.
So, you see, Nate may have been right about me after all.
But the true clencher in all of this business is that Nate happens to be someone who fits into the above category. That being: almost someone I'd be attracted to and decidedly interested. And I've never met anyone who reacts better to my fliritng in my entire life. He does this noise of exasperation all the time and is constantly saying things like, "Oh my, you know exactly what you're doing right now. Don't even play all innocent with me." and "You are way too good at this." and "Gross, you practice that face in the mirror, don't you." He really has no idea what cataclysmically stupid things these are to say to me. I get on such power trips with boys. They should never, ever let me know that anything I'm doing is having an effect on them. Unless, of course, they're eager to see me gleefully abuse that power just because I enjoy knowing that they want me. Funny thing, I don't even use it to get anything. I never flirt with boys with the express purpose of getting anything, except an ego boost or the boy themselves (or for funsies, I suppose). But Nate....gah. He makes it too easy. And he'll even half say, ALL THE TIME, that he thinks I'm super attractive. THIS IS SUCH A BAD IDEA WITH ME!!!!
(Caveat to the "I'm such a good, non-manipulative person" - that does have an exception. I did, in fact, flirt Nate into telling me who warned him about me. Only time I've done it on purpose, I swear.)
Anyway, geez, that was a frickload of buildup, what I'm saying is that I've flirted with Nate to such an extent that I don't know, anymore, whether I want him or not. Originally, I was one hundred percent certain that that was a no, but now, I've actually managed to flirt myself out of knowing whether I like him or not. I think it has something to do with an overthrow of cognitive dissonance or something. Anyhow, I was flirting with him so aggressively last night that he had what was, by all account, fifty kinds of enormous green lights to kiss me. Yup. The only reason I didn't kiss Nate last night was because he has more self control than I do. Sigh. This evening was naturally followed by a texting conversation in which I was like, "Uh, so....I know I spit out all kinds of contorted denial when you call me a player...and you're still wrong....but, um....you should probably be really careful. Kinda like tonight. Keep that up. Please don't trust me. Please."
And he laughed at me.
I don't really know why I'm telling you all this. I can't imagine you really enjoy hearing all the ins and outs of how my everpresent whoring continues to evolve :P It just happens to be the most pressing concern of my life at present.
If you have thoughts, I'd really appreciate them. Mostly, I'm just disturbed because I always used to think that the problem resided in the fact that no one ever wanted me. But now, I find that not only do I have ABSOLUTELY no idea what or who I want, ever (and certainly no idea of how to wait for what I want, if I discover it), I'm tromping all over boys with very little concern about what it does to them as I try to discover it.
I don't suppose you have any substantial foundation for that "you view flirting as far more innocent than boys do" comment, do you? By that I mean: "this person felt like you were genuinely into him when I know for a fact you were flirting recreationally". Because if you've any tales of that nature, I'd really like to hear them. If for no other reason than that I'm still attempting to fairly assess just how correct Nate and Cade were about me.
Haha, actually, funny things to share as regards Nate Brown. First of all, my dad dated his mom in high school. I think I genuinely cried tears of mirth on this discovery. This world is infinitesimally small. This second bit, though....I haven't told anyone this yet. You might be the only person I tell, actually, and you should feel incredibly loved that I would choose to do that :) Or, you know, thank the fact that you're half a world away and cannot really share this with anyone who'd care, but let's go with the first. Ha, so I flirt with Nate a sickening amount. Even I will say that. See, he may be correct that my flirting is out of hand now. In high school, I generally only flirted with guys I was genuinely attracted to, and was simply nice to everyone else. But I've gotten to this weird place in which I will cheerfully flirt with anyone that is decent-looking but more importantly, really wants me to flirt with them. I'm getting annoyingly good at being able to tell who wants me. Not that that's even a very long list, mind you. But I'm becoming a rather grotesquely egotistical person as a result. And I get a major high from flirting with guys who want me.
So, you see, Nate may have been right about me after all.
But the true clencher in all of this business is that Nate happens to be someone who fits into the above category. That being: almost someone I'd be attracted to and decidedly interested. And I've never met anyone who reacts better to my fliritng in my entire life. He does this noise of exasperation all the time and is constantly saying things like, "Oh my, you know exactly what you're doing right now. Don't even play all innocent with me." and "You are way too good at this." and "Gross, you practice that face in the mirror, don't you." He really has no idea what cataclysmically stupid things these are to say to me. I get on such power trips with boys. They should never, ever let me know that anything I'm doing is having an effect on them. Unless, of course, they're eager to see me gleefully abuse that power just because I enjoy knowing that they want me. Funny thing, I don't even use it to get anything. I never flirt with boys with the express purpose of getting anything, except an ego boost or the boy themselves (or for funsies, I suppose). But Nate....gah. He makes it too easy. And he'll even half say, ALL THE TIME, that he thinks I'm super attractive. THIS IS SUCH A BAD IDEA WITH ME!!!!
(Caveat to the "I'm such a good, non-manipulative person" - that does have an exception. I did, in fact, flirt Nate into telling me who warned him about me. Only time I've done it on purpose, I swear.)
Anyway, geez, that was a frickload of buildup, what I'm saying is that I've flirted with Nate to such an extent that I don't know, anymore, whether I want him or not. Originally, I was one hundred percent certain that that was a no, but now, I've actually managed to flirt myself out of knowing whether I like him or not. I think it has something to do with an overthrow of cognitive dissonance or something. Anyhow, I was flirting with him so aggressively last night that he had what was, by all account, fifty kinds of enormous green lights to kiss me. Yup. The only reason I didn't kiss Nate last night was because he has more self control than I do. Sigh. This evening was naturally followed by a texting conversation in which I was like, "Uh, so....I know I spit out all kinds of contorted denial when you call me a player...and you're still wrong....but, um....you should probably be really careful. Kinda like tonight. Keep that up. Please don't trust me. Please."
And he laughed at me.
I don't really know why I'm telling you all this. I can't imagine you really enjoy hearing all the ins and outs of how my everpresent whoring continues to evolve :P It just happens to be the most pressing concern of my life at present.
If you have thoughts, I'd really appreciate them. Mostly, I'm just disturbed because I always used to think that the problem resided in the fact that no one ever wanted me. But now, I find that not only do I have ABSOLUTELY no idea what or who I want, ever (and certainly no idea of how to wait for what I want, if I discover it), I'm tromping all over boys with very little concern about what it does to them as I try to discover it.
Unimportant Email
(August 1, 2011)
The most peculiar development I have to report (and the one on which I'd most desire your thoughts) is that I talked to Cade and Nate for hours on end last night. Be warned, before I share this particular anecdote, that this is basically me being defensive and all self-righteously indignant at accusations made. I really hope that you'll concur that they are wrong. But if you do not....I will need you to set me straight. There's really just a lot hanging on this.
See Nate, upon meeting me, was apparently under the strong impression that I'm a player. No, seriously. He told Cade (and later me, when I asked him to relay this) that I just seem like a girl who knows she's ridiculously good looking and uses those good looks to get under boys' skin and just ruthlessly mess with their emotions. I made great efforts to convince Nate that he couldn't be more wrong (although I was enormously, if shallowly, flattered that he'd think I was good looking enough to be capable of this). Our conversation last night began with a friendly discussion on the matter. I was trying to give evidence to the contrary. He simply didn't believe that I'd never had a boyfriend, although he ended up twisting that into simply more evidence that I'm a player - fourteen boys kissed and not one a relationship. He was super annoying about not believing that boys didn't want me in high school, either. I so wished that I could have had boys like Colton and Mike and basically any number of boys in your little crowd around to help me out. They are the epitome of boys in high school: to them, I was insufferable and mildly repugnant. And freaking Nate refused to believe that this was the case!! And he kept acting as though I was some kind of manipulative harpy!!! It was so frustrating. I ended up telling all sorts of things about making out with douchebags and problems with my brother, in effort to help him understand that I'm not that way, that I don't really like the way things in my past have gone down and I make every effort not to hurt anyone else, even if, yes, I do go to similarly astronomical lengths to avoid getting hurt myself. One of my number one life rules is never, ever, ever to lead boys on if it is avoidable. Yet here he was accusing me of making it not only a habit, but a favored pastime.
The saddest part is that for all that sharing, he still didn't believe that I'm not a player. He and Cade just kept saying that I flirt way too much and that I hurt boys' feelings all the time. Can I get some back up here? I don't have that kind of power!!! Boys don't generally like me that much!! I have hurt very very few boys in my time! Yes, it has happened, and I will accept responsibility for those times that it has, but for the most part, I can do what I want with impunity!! Make out with them? Flirt with them? Cuddle with them? They all act as though they're doing me favors by allowing these things to go on. They certainly aren't upset when I tromp out of their lives. Well, lately, I suppose, they have been, but the last year has been something like a freak accident of my dating career.
I'm sorry, the indignation continues. The other perplexing thing is that they kept talking about how "everyone" apparently knew that I made out with lots of guys in high school. Dude. None of our friends knew. I swear when I mentioned that I'd kissed more than five people in Mexico, they all looked at me with a decidedly unflattering degree of astonishment. Yes, I can actually find more than five people I know who are not opposed to the idea of locking lips with me. I know just how hard that is to believe for you, but can you please try to suspend disbelief long enough to entertain the idea that not everyone finds me insufferable?
Sorry. I don't even know how, exactly, I'd like you to respond. You probably won't, anyway, I honestly don't have the greatest of hopes for you reading this at all. But if you'd like to agree... I mean, if you do agree....I'd appreciate that. And if you have commentary to offer, that would be more appreciated. The reason that this is so important is that maybe they are correct...in a way. Obviously I'm not a player. But certainly the flirting...I should cut back. If for nothing other than "it makes you look like a dumb girl, especially at our age," as Cade says. Ouch.
And yes, I know I didn't handle the Max thing of last summer, the Brian thing of this spring, or the Vargo thing particularly well. But still.
The most peculiar development I have to report (and the one on which I'd most desire your thoughts) is that I talked to Cade and Nate for hours on end last night. Be warned, before I share this particular anecdote, that this is basically me being defensive and all self-righteously indignant at accusations made. I really hope that you'll concur that they are wrong. But if you do not....I will need you to set me straight. There's really just a lot hanging on this.
See Nate, upon meeting me, was apparently under the strong impression that I'm a player. No, seriously. He told Cade (and later me, when I asked him to relay this) that I just seem like a girl who knows she's ridiculously good looking and uses those good looks to get under boys' skin and just ruthlessly mess with their emotions. I made great efforts to convince Nate that he couldn't be more wrong (although I was enormously, if shallowly, flattered that he'd think I was good looking enough to be capable of this). Our conversation last night began with a friendly discussion on the matter. I was trying to give evidence to the contrary. He simply didn't believe that I'd never had a boyfriend, although he ended up twisting that into simply more evidence that I'm a player - fourteen boys kissed and not one a relationship. He was super annoying about not believing that boys didn't want me in high school, either. I so wished that I could have had boys like Colton and Mike and basically any number of boys in your little crowd around to help me out. They are the epitome of boys in high school: to them, I was insufferable and mildly repugnant. And freaking Nate refused to believe that this was the case!! And he kept acting as though I was some kind of manipulative harpy!!! It was so frustrating. I ended up telling all sorts of things about making out with douchebags and problems with my brother, in effort to help him understand that I'm not that way, that I don't really like the way things in my past have gone down and I make every effort not to hurt anyone else, even if, yes, I do go to similarly astronomical lengths to avoid getting hurt myself. One of my number one life rules is never, ever, ever to lead boys on if it is avoidable. Yet here he was accusing me of making it not only a habit, but a favored pastime.
The saddest part is that for all that sharing, he still didn't believe that I'm not a player. He and Cade just kept saying that I flirt way too much and that I hurt boys' feelings all the time. Can I get some back up here? I don't have that kind of power!!! Boys don't generally like me that much!! I have hurt very very few boys in my time! Yes, it has happened, and I will accept responsibility for those times that it has, but for the most part, I can do what I want with impunity!! Make out with them? Flirt with them? Cuddle with them? They all act as though they're doing me favors by allowing these things to go on. They certainly aren't upset when I tromp out of their lives. Well, lately, I suppose, they have been, but the last year has been something like a freak accident of my dating career.
I'm sorry, the indignation continues. The other perplexing thing is that they kept talking about how "everyone" apparently knew that I made out with lots of guys in high school. Dude. None of our friends knew. I swear when I mentioned that I'd kissed more than five people in Mexico, they all looked at me with a decidedly unflattering degree of astonishment. Yes, I can actually find more than five people I know who are not opposed to the idea of locking lips with me. I know just how hard that is to believe for you, but can you please try to suspend disbelief long enough to entertain the idea that not everyone finds me insufferable?
Sorry. I don't even know how, exactly, I'd like you to respond. You probably won't, anyway, I honestly don't have the greatest of hopes for you reading this at all. But if you'd like to agree... I mean, if you do agree....I'd appreciate that. And if you have commentary to offer, that would be more appreciated. The reason that this is so important is that maybe they are correct...in a way. Obviously I'm not a player. But certainly the flirting...I should cut back. If for nothing other than "it makes you look like a dumb girl, especially at our age," as Cade says. Ouch.
And yes, I know I didn't handle the Max thing of last summer, the Brian thing of this spring, or the Vargo thing particularly well. But still.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
So much news that you will never have time for it all AHHHhhhhh
(July 18, 2011)
It is so incredible, the amount of things that have happened this week. You couldn't possibly understand the adrenaline rush of news that has gone down recently (and before you die, and in order to ensure that you listen [read?], the synopsis and deep, probing analysis of HP seven 2 will be forthcoming. Calm down.) I'm going to do my best to cover all points. You will cheerfully judge me as I do so :)
So, firstly, Stephen and I are no more. Quite unsurprisingly. For a brief time there, I thought he'd just been absent from my phone because he was absent in general - he texted me Sunday night and we got together Monday. We'd been talking for a bit about my relationship history and his as well, and I had most unfortunately shared that I had made a goal to stop hooking up, etc. etc. just before he says, "Hey, so here's a question...since we're talking about relationships and stuff..... [...glacial pause, in which I wait on tenterhooks for what will follow that one]....What do you think about...us? About what's going on here?"
Kristen [bemusedly playing with hair in attempt to buy time]: Huh....I don't really know. I mean, it's like I said, I told myself I wouldn't hook up anymore. So as long as we're doing....whatever it is we're doing, I'd like it to be in a direction. We don't have to be in a relationship right now but I'd like that to be the general progress of this. And if that's not what you want, it's probably better if we were just friends.
Stephen [absentmindedly picking at guitar on his lap and avoiding Kristen's eyes nearly so much as she's avoiding his]: Well, here's the thing. I'm really not in a place where I can have a relationship right now. You seem....you just seem to know what you want with the church and everything, and all of that is really solid for you, right?
Kristen [embarrassed at this, which could mean any number of things, including "your pious behavior is annoying"]: Well, really not so good as I probably should be. But yeah, I feel like I know what I want where that's concerned.
Stephen: See, I don't know what I want. And I wouldn't want to be doing something because the person I date is that way, I really want to figure this out for myself and be sure about it. The thing is, if I could figure this out, I'd call you up and we'd try this thing for real. But of course that's not going to happen in like five or six weeks or something.
Kristen [grinning broadly, quite blissfully unaware of how obnoxious she sounds, attempting to lighten the mood]: Really? You can't come to deep, metaphysical conclusions in a matter of weeks? You don't say.
Stephen [graciously laughing at weak humor attempt]: No. But look, I like you. I just don't want to hurt you.
Kristen [getting more and more contemplative and having greater and greater difficulty stringing together words, owing to the uncomfortably personal nature of this conversation and the deeply annoying fact that he cheerfully served that into her court, making her pick between two unpleasant alternatives]: Hmmm.....I don't know.....I like you. I really don't.... like I'm not...partial to the idea of this....ending. I'd really rather not that we be done.
Stephen [quickly, although perhaps not particularly eagerly]: We don't have to stop what's going on, I should say that. I'm really fine with how things are. It's just that if what you want is a relationship...I don't think it's a good idea.
We proceeded to wander to other topics and such, as other people waded in and out of his front room and we grew less able to talk about big deal things :P He finally said that he could take me home to think, and I agreed that that sounded like a good idea. Even though I really knew what my decision should be at that point anyway. I texted him the next day and told him that we should be friends, after freaking out to Heather about how I could think I wanted someone for that long and then not only NOT put up a fight to keep him, but not be particularly perturbed that I wouldn't have him any more. And then quick segue into "seriously, I could swear that I was right about the whole love thing after all!!" Eesh, I'm such a strange creature. Seriously, I'm in my head 24/7 and I don't even get myself.
On to Vegas - one of my best friends from last year got married in Vegas this weekend and Jack and our friend and I went down to see her. We also went shopping like crazy, got amazing sushi, went to Lion King (Which has fall on your face and die amazing music and costumes) had a very very Vegas bachelorette party (that you have absolutely no idea how bad I want to tell you all about but can't because you're a missionary) and went to her wedding. I bawled during the father/daughter dance. It was embarrassing. And the first time Jackie's ever seen me cry :P It was really the best weekend ever. One more time for emphasis: BEST. WEEKEND. EVER. ooo, and I have an awesome henna sun on my hip. La la la la la la.
Some highlights: Traffic was BAD on the strip Friday night, and this girl in a pink bug with rhinestone-studded back emblem cut us off in the worst fashion I've ever seen. A cop on a bike immediately put his lights and siren on and pulled up behind her, but when he got up (we were stopped in traffic) he started walking towards our car. We were distressed. Winnie rolled down the window, and the cop says.....
"Sorry, some people just don't know how to drive."
And then proceeds to pull her over. Mwahahahahahahahahahaha
Also, Jackie's tattoo is of Bob Marley. Jackie is blonde and white as can be. We had our shirts rolled up walking around Mandalay Bay so the henna would dry, and this black lady comes up and starts asking where we got them, and she looks at Jackie's and gets this skeptical look on and says, "Bob Marley? Really?" Bahahaha.
So yes. My week. Hahahaha. I'm awesome.
On to HP :)
You'll forgive me, the awesome that is Vegas may have clouded my memory. Let's see....Lavender dies instead of Colin. Surprising. And sad. Ollivander knows about the Deathly Hallows, and it's dumb. Ron and Hermione's kiss is totally hot and I want me some of Rupert Grint. Harry and Ginny are still gosh awful and lack chemistry more than a pair of dead fish and really just stop no more please you two are painful and put your lips on each other with all the willingness you'd afford kissing a spotty, creepy cousin. I love Bellatrix. Helena Bonham Carter is insanely talented. Voldemort hugs Draco. I'd be outraged at this obvious fallacy, but it's so awkward and funny to watch Voldy attempt it that I accept it.
Neville's actually kind of hot now. I can't even handle it.
Dean remains SMOKING hot. Not news, and you don't care, but seriously. Must be said.
The Mrs. Weasley part is in fact sufficiently awesome.
The Fred dying/Percy returning thing was non-existent.
Harry genuinely looks thirty at the end. Crazy. Ginny has mom hair, but is almost believable, and Ron and Hermione look exactly the same.
Snape's memories include a shot of him keening over the lifeless body of Lily Potter moments after her death as infant Harry wails away in the background. In slow motion. With big, sweeping, drama, cry about me music playing in the background. Too far, boys. TOO FAR.
I LOVE Minerva McGonagall/Maggie Smith. Lovity love love love. Haha, when she calls down the suits of armor, she smiles with relish and says "I've always wanted to try that spell."
Ginny is not awesome enough.
They never fully spell out the Dumbledore past. Oh, and Grindelvald? NOT. Mentioned. Travesty.
Harry breaks the Elder Wand at the end and does not use it to fix his wand. Stupid and made me spend an inordinate amount of time wondering if he just used Draco's old one until the end of time.
Oh, Goyle is either not present for the Fiend Fyre thing or he's both black and skinny now. Bahahaha.
The Helena Ravenclaw thing is ALL. WRONG. I was displeased. It was quite obviously changed to suit time, but still. ANNOYING>
Oh, and instead of the shrieking shack, Voldy camps out at the boat house that Hogwarts apparently has. They've also evidently got a crew team, because Voldemort forces Nagini to kill Snape amongst sculls and paddles and such. No explanation for that. But you know, whatever.
The final battle is pretty awesome. But I found myself perplexed that there were that many death eaters. They've got a bloody army.
The dragon is perfect, I feel.
Haha, when they fall out of the cart while robbing Gringotts and Hermione does a cushioning charm so they don't die, she falls last and the camera has a distinct, gratuitous cleavage shot. Bahardy hardy ha. This one's for you, fan boys.
Oh, and things in the vault just replicate, but they don't burn. It's not as crazy.
I've got more, but I'm concerned you won't get this. Please comment on my life and not just the HP, mmmk?
It is so incredible, the amount of things that have happened this week. You couldn't possibly understand the adrenaline rush of news that has gone down recently (and before you die, and in order to ensure that you listen [read?], the synopsis and deep, probing analysis of HP seven 2 will be forthcoming. Calm down.) I'm going to do my best to cover all points. You will cheerfully judge me as I do so :)
So, firstly, Stephen and I are no more. Quite unsurprisingly. For a brief time there, I thought he'd just been absent from my phone because he was absent in general - he texted me Sunday night and we got together Monday. We'd been talking for a bit about my relationship history and his as well, and I had most unfortunately shared that I had made a goal to stop hooking up, etc. etc. just before he says, "Hey, so here's a question...since we're talking about relationships and stuff..... [...glacial pause, in which I wait on tenterhooks for what will follow that one]....What do you think about...us? About what's going on here?"
Kristen [bemusedly playing with hair in attempt to buy time]: Huh....I don't really know. I mean, it's like I said, I told myself I wouldn't hook up anymore. So as long as we're doing....whatever it is we're doing, I'd like it to be in a direction. We don't have to be in a relationship right now but I'd like that to be the general progress of this. And if that's not what you want, it's probably better if we were just friends.
Stephen [absentmindedly picking at guitar on his lap and avoiding Kristen's eyes nearly so much as she's avoiding his]: Well, here's the thing. I'm really not in a place where I can have a relationship right now. You seem....you just seem to know what you want with the church and everything, and all of that is really solid for you, right?
Kristen [embarrassed at this, which could mean any number of things, including "your pious behavior is annoying"]: Well, really not so good as I probably should be. But yeah, I feel like I know what I want where that's concerned.
Stephen: See, I don't know what I want. And I wouldn't want to be doing something because the person I date is that way, I really want to figure this out for myself and be sure about it. The thing is, if I could figure this out, I'd call you up and we'd try this thing for real. But of course that's not going to happen in like five or six weeks or something.
Kristen [grinning broadly, quite blissfully unaware of how obnoxious she sounds, attempting to lighten the mood]: Really? You can't come to deep, metaphysical conclusions in a matter of weeks? You don't say.
Stephen [graciously laughing at weak humor attempt]: No. But look, I like you. I just don't want to hurt you.
Kristen [getting more and more contemplative and having greater and greater difficulty stringing together words, owing to the uncomfortably personal nature of this conversation and the deeply annoying fact that he cheerfully served that into her court, making her pick between two unpleasant alternatives]: Hmmm.....I don't know.....I like you. I really don't.... like I'm not...partial to the idea of this....ending. I'd really rather not that we be done.
Stephen [quickly, although perhaps not particularly eagerly]: We don't have to stop what's going on, I should say that. I'm really fine with how things are. It's just that if what you want is a relationship...I don't think it's a good idea.
We proceeded to wander to other topics and such, as other people waded in and out of his front room and we grew less able to talk about big deal things :P He finally said that he could take me home to think, and I agreed that that sounded like a good idea. Even though I really knew what my decision should be at that point anyway. I texted him the next day and told him that we should be friends, after freaking out to Heather about how I could think I wanted someone for that long and then not only NOT put up a fight to keep him, but not be particularly perturbed that I wouldn't have him any more. And then quick segue into "seriously, I could swear that I was right about the whole love thing after all!!" Eesh, I'm such a strange creature. Seriously, I'm in my head 24/7 and I don't even get myself.
On to Vegas - one of my best friends from last year got married in Vegas this weekend and Jack and our friend and I went down to see her. We also went shopping like crazy, got amazing sushi, went to Lion King (Which has fall on your face and die amazing music and costumes) had a very very Vegas bachelorette party (that you have absolutely no idea how bad I want to tell you all about but can't because you're a missionary) and went to her wedding. I bawled during the father/daughter dance. It was embarrassing. And the first time Jackie's ever seen me cry :P It was really the best weekend ever. One more time for emphasis: BEST. WEEKEND. EVER. ooo, and I have an awesome henna sun on my hip. La la la la la la.
Some highlights: Traffic was BAD on the strip Friday night, and this girl in a pink bug with rhinestone-studded back emblem cut us off in the worst fashion I've ever seen. A cop on a bike immediately put his lights and siren on and pulled up behind her, but when he got up (we were stopped in traffic) he started walking towards our car. We were distressed. Winnie rolled down the window, and the cop says.....
"Sorry, some people just don't know how to drive."
And then proceeds to pull her over. Mwahahahahahahahahahaha
Also, Jackie's tattoo is of Bob Marley. Jackie is blonde and white as can be. We had our shirts rolled up walking around Mandalay Bay so the henna would dry, and this black lady comes up and starts asking where we got them, and she looks at Jackie's and gets this skeptical look on and says, "Bob Marley? Really?" Bahahaha.
So yes. My week. Hahahaha. I'm awesome.
On to HP :)
You'll forgive me, the awesome that is Vegas may have clouded my memory. Let's see....Lavender dies instead of Colin. Surprising. And sad. Ollivander knows about the Deathly Hallows, and it's dumb. Ron and Hermione's kiss is totally hot and I want me some of Rupert Grint. Harry and Ginny are still gosh awful and lack chemistry more than a pair of dead fish and really just stop no more please you two are painful and put your lips on each other with all the willingness you'd afford kissing a spotty, creepy cousin. I love Bellatrix. Helena Bonham Carter is insanely talented. Voldemort hugs Draco. I'd be outraged at this obvious fallacy, but it's so awkward and funny to watch Voldy attempt it that I accept it.
Neville's actually kind of hot now. I can't even handle it.
Dean remains SMOKING hot. Not news, and you don't care, but seriously. Must be said.
The Mrs. Weasley part is in fact sufficiently awesome.
The Fred dying/Percy returning thing was non-existent.
Harry genuinely looks thirty at the end. Crazy. Ginny has mom hair, but is almost believable, and Ron and Hermione look exactly the same.
Snape's memories include a shot of him keening over the lifeless body of Lily Potter moments after her death as infant Harry wails away in the background. In slow motion. With big, sweeping, drama, cry about me music playing in the background. Too far, boys. TOO FAR.
I LOVE Minerva McGonagall/Maggie Smith. Lovity love love love. Haha, when she calls down the suits of armor, she smiles with relish and says "I've always wanted to try that spell."
Ginny is not awesome enough.
They never fully spell out the Dumbledore past. Oh, and Grindelvald? NOT. Mentioned. Travesty.
Harry breaks the Elder Wand at the end and does not use it to fix his wand. Stupid and made me spend an inordinate amount of time wondering if he just used Draco's old one until the end of time.
Oh, Goyle is either not present for the Fiend Fyre thing or he's both black and skinny now. Bahahaha.
The Helena Ravenclaw thing is ALL. WRONG. I was displeased. It was quite obviously changed to suit time, but still. ANNOYING>
Oh, and instead of the shrieking shack, Voldy camps out at the boat house that Hogwarts apparently has. They've also evidently got a crew team, because Voldemort forces Nagini to kill Snape amongst sculls and paddles and such. No explanation for that. But you know, whatever.
The final battle is pretty awesome. But I found myself perplexed that there were that many death eaters. They've got a bloody army.
The dragon is perfect, I feel.
Haha, when they fall out of the cart while robbing Gringotts and Hermione does a cushioning charm so they don't die, she falls last and the camera has a distinct, gratuitous cleavage shot. Bahardy hardy ha. This one's for you, fan boys.
Oh, and things in the vault just replicate, but they don't burn. It's not as crazy.
I've got more, but I'm concerned you won't get this. Please comment on my life and not just the HP, mmmk?
Further Birthday Song
(July 10, 2011)
Other things I should mention, I have more thoughts on Stephen. Naturally. Ha, see, I'm sure you're getting heartily sick of hearing about him, but the good news is that I think he may be dropping off my radar. Nothing has changed from the status reported in my last missive - that is, that I haven't heard from him in more than a week now - but I have a rather strong suspicion that this could be the beginning of the very typical phase-out. Could be wrong, of course - I was apparently wrong, previously, in assuming that we were never going anywhere at all and that sort of distant friends was the highest level our interaction would ever achieve, because there was that whole kissing and going on dates thing. But this current lack of talk and such doesn't bode well. I can't decide quite how I feel about it. I think I should be more put out - and I probably will be, when I have more solid evidence that he doesn't particularly want me - but things of this nature of disappointment have happened enough times at this point that I'm kind of over it. It's weird, considering how much and how long I liked him, but....you just get used to not getting what you want. Haha going back to square one almost feels like going home by now :P
Other things I should mention, I have more thoughts on Stephen. Naturally. Ha, see, I'm sure you're getting heartily sick of hearing about him, but the good news is that I think he may be dropping off my radar. Nothing has changed from the status reported in my last missive - that is, that I haven't heard from him in more than a week now - but I have a rather strong suspicion that this could be the beginning of the very typical phase-out. Could be wrong, of course - I was apparently wrong, previously, in assuming that we were never going anywhere at all and that sort of distant friends was the highest level our interaction would ever achieve, because there was that whole kissing and going on dates thing. But this current lack of talk and such doesn't bode well. I can't decide quite how I feel about it. I think I should be more put out - and I probably will be, when I have more solid evidence that he doesn't particularly want me - but things of this nature of disappointment have happened enough times at this point that I'm kind of over it. It's weird, considering how much and how long I liked him, but....you just get used to not getting what you want. Haha going back to square one almost feels like going home by now :P
Birthday Song
(July 8, 2011)
Am I the only one who sings that song anymore? Probably. Hahaha Happy happy happy happy 20th birthday!!!
You're OLD!!!
Haha I miss you tons, I hope you have a crazy awesome birthday. I'm personally going to spend your birthday driving to Wyoming for my grandparents' sixtieth anniversary. Which kind of sounds like it's going to be lame, but is actually going to be UNBELIEVABLY awesome, as it will definitely involve all of my siblings and a road trip, which is my favorite favorite favorite, and will undoubtedly also involve blowing things up and fire and fireworks and all sorts of other pyromaniacal behavior.
Hmmph. The Google doesn't believe pyromaniacal is a word. Pish, tosh. If I say it's a word, it's a word. Also, in case you were curious, The Google believes in the existence of tosh, but not of pish. Intriguing.
Other things I have to say....Let's see. I'm rereading all of the Harry Potters backwards. Not fully backward, just seventh to first. Probably skipping the second, because my sister has stolen our copy and is refusing to return it. Right rude of her, it is. Anyhow, it's remarkable that considering the number of times I've read each of them (and the discomfiting truth is that that number is distinctly into the double digits for several of them, at this point) they are still wildly entertaining. Not to mention enormously preferable to reading anything that's actually supposed to expand my brain, ha ha.
Updates on Stephen, since I know you love to be informed upon the every detail of my gigantically mundane life, he's been in California since last Saturday. He returns tomorrow, but I'm unfortunately gone until Monday. All of this would be unimportant were it not for the fact that he hasn't talked to me since he left. It might be a bad thing, it might not. He generally calls or texts me when it can be a means to hanging out, and not otherwise. I dunno. The jury is out, and I remain unbelievably blase about the whole thing. Really.
Haha the funny thing is that I'm working rather hard to keep my options open. Somewhat counter-intuitively, I like Stephen far too much not to be smart about the way this whole thing is going down. I rather dislike the idea of putting all of my eggs in a basket with such a very tenuous future. Which means that I've about five other boys in whom I have varying levels of interest sticking around and I'm by no means calling them off until Stephen and I are official. For example, I'm being half set up with a friend of a friend. He's charming and funny and such, and we hung out last night. I'm fairly certain that one's interested. It's hard to say for sure, of course, but I swear that my radar for that is generally pretty healthy. If a little overconfident occasionally. Anyhow, there's also this drummer from my old ward, one of Jackie's friends from high school, etc., etc.... Does this make me a bad person? Probably not. I think it's fair to assume that I'm a free agent until anything to the contrary is official discussed, don't you?
Oh, also, I'm concerned that I'm getting more obnoxious. I know, who would have thought it possible for me to be even more insufferable? But truly. I keep hanging out with new people and catching myself being rather irritatingly brash. Oh, peculiar, related story: So the other night, I hung out with Kaitlin and Cade Garlock and Nate Brown. You probably don't know those kids. But they were probably Matt Palmer's two best friends in high school. I know Cade pretty well, and we hang out all the time, but I'd only seen Nate like once or twice prior to hanging out with him Wednesday. Anyhow, I was flirting with Nate rather significantly...because I just do that. When boys are receptive to my flirting, I can't put a lid on it. Seriously. So, yes, I was being outrageously flirtatious and being surprised that Nate remembers things like my last name, etc., and he says, "Oh, I know all kinds of things about you. Haha, people have warned me about you, you know." Which meant that I spent the rest of the night being abjectly mystified as to who in our entire high school would consider me anywhere near man-eating enough to warn people against. Haha it's almost flattering, really. Oh, and the boy also seemed highly skeptical when I announced that I generally make it a practice not to lead boys on, ever. Rude. Flirtation is not leading people on. Pur-lease.
(Also, your reply would be an excellent time for you to A) be as perplexed as I am as to who would promote such peculiarly flattering censure, or B) offer suspects. I'm just saying)
Am I the only one who sings that song anymore? Probably. Hahaha Happy happy happy happy 20th birthday!!!
You're OLD!!!
Haha I miss you tons, I hope you have a crazy awesome birthday. I'm personally going to spend your birthday driving to Wyoming for my grandparents' sixtieth anniversary. Which kind of sounds like it's going to be lame, but is actually going to be UNBELIEVABLY awesome, as it will definitely involve all of my siblings and a road trip, which is my favorite favorite favorite, and will undoubtedly also involve blowing things up and fire and fireworks and all sorts of other pyromaniacal behavior.
Hmmph. The Google doesn't believe pyromaniacal is a word. Pish, tosh. If I say it's a word, it's a word. Also, in case you were curious, The Google believes in the existence of tosh, but not of pish. Intriguing.
Other things I have to say....Let's see. I'm rereading all of the Harry Potters backwards. Not fully backward, just seventh to first. Probably skipping the second, because my sister has stolen our copy and is refusing to return it. Right rude of her, it is. Anyhow, it's remarkable that considering the number of times I've read each of them (and the discomfiting truth is that that number is distinctly into the double digits for several of them, at this point) they are still wildly entertaining. Not to mention enormously preferable to reading anything that's actually supposed to expand my brain, ha ha.
Updates on Stephen, since I know you love to be informed upon the every detail of my gigantically mundane life, he's been in California since last Saturday. He returns tomorrow, but I'm unfortunately gone until Monday. All of this would be unimportant were it not for the fact that he hasn't talked to me since he left. It might be a bad thing, it might not. He generally calls or texts me when it can be a means to hanging out, and not otherwise. I dunno. The jury is out, and I remain unbelievably blase about the whole thing. Really.
Haha the funny thing is that I'm working rather hard to keep my options open. Somewhat counter-intuitively, I like Stephen far too much not to be smart about the way this whole thing is going down. I rather dislike the idea of putting all of my eggs in a basket with such a very tenuous future. Which means that I've about five other boys in whom I have varying levels of interest sticking around and I'm by no means calling them off until Stephen and I are official. For example, I'm being half set up with a friend of a friend. He's charming and funny and such, and we hung out last night. I'm fairly certain that one's interested. It's hard to say for sure, of course, but I swear that my radar for that is generally pretty healthy. If a little overconfident occasionally. Anyhow, there's also this drummer from my old ward, one of Jackie's friends from high school, etc., etc.... Does this make me a bad person? Probably not. I think it's fair to assume that I'm a free agent until anything to the contrary is official discussed, don't you?
Oh, also, I'm concerned that I'm getting more obnoxious. I know, who would have thought it possible for me to be even more insufferable? But truly. I keep hanging out with new people and catching myself being rather irritatingly brash. Oh, peculiar, related story: So the other night, I hung out with Kaitlin and Cade Garlock and Nate Brown. You probably don't know those kids. But they were probably Matt Palmer's two best friends in high school. I know Cade pretty well, and we hang out all the time, but I'd only seen Nate like once or twice prior to hanging out with him Wednesday. Anyhow, I was flirting with Nate rather significantly...because I just do that. When boys are receptive to my flirting, I can't put a lid on it. Seriously. So, yes, I was being outrageously flirtatious and being surprised that Nate remembers things like my last name, etc., and he says, "Oh, I know all kinds of things about you. Haha, people have warned me about you, you know." Which meant that I spent the rest of the night being abjectly mystified as to who in our entire high school would consider me anywhere near man-eating enough to warn people against. Haha it's almost flattering, really. Oh, and the boy also seemed highly skeptical when I announced that I generally make it a practice not to lead boys on, ever. Rude. Flirtation is not leading people on. Pur-lease.
(Also, your reply would be an excellent time for you to A) be as perplexed as I am as to who would promote such peculiarly flattering censure, or B) offer suspects. I'm just saying)
Thursday Email and Joy
(June 30, 2011)
Do not even call me a nerd. Hello, kettle? It's the pot. You're black.
Haha you like working in extremes? My, this is NEWS!!! Stop the presses :P
Wow, we're getting a lot of clipped, vaguely terse sarcastic comments today. Haha I hope you love them. My wit isn't just for everyone, you know.
For his birthday, I made Stephen a CD. I was soundly mocked by my siblings for this particular decision, who desperately wanted to know about the "mixtape of love" I was putting together for him. Really, it wasn't a big deal - I have a fairly decent handle on his music taste, so I went through mine and found things I was pretty certain he didn't have but would definitely appreciate. So, some thought and effort, but minimal funds. All in all, a good decision.
As for the status of our relationship, I think that I could explain it far better than you could glean information about it from what I got him for his birthday :P We're currently in a most peculiar limbo between friends and dating. We haven't directly talked about it, but neither of us wanted to just dive into boyfriend/girlfriendness. I can hear your snort of derisive disbelief that I don't want to dive into a relationship (or perhaps not, you always display an uncanny ability to know me better than I know myself), but seriously, I don't. It's weird. I would have thought that given an opportunity to date someone I both respect and am deeply attracted to, I'd go all barnacle on him and latch on. But actually....I'm really comfortable just figuring this out. I'm not sure that we're a good fit yet.
Related, the time has come for me to wave the white flag and admit defeat. Alright, boys of the past year....you were right in saying that I have issues with commitment. I genuinely thought they were wrong. Truly. But given the fact that I really like Stephen, have had a crush on him for forever, suddenly have prospects with him and something in me is still digging in its heals about actually dating him? Yeah, we're going to have to go with there being some peculiar eccentricity in my paradigm affecting that. There's a lot of things I'm learning about myself with this whole thing that I'd never expected before. Haha, oh, and Stephen doesn't know that I've never really been in a relationship before. I felt it prudent, considering that that would seem to be kind of a big deal. However, it's making discussion of my romantic past somewhat complicated :P
Basically, I don't know exactly what's up with this whole thing....But it's INSANELY different from anything else I've ever had. Most pleasant limbo experience ever :P
Do not even call me a nerd. Hello, kettle? It's the pot. You're black.
Haha you like working in extremes? My, this is NEWS!!! Stop the presses :P
Wow, we're getting a lot of clipped, vaguely terse sarcastic comments today. Haha I hope you love them. My wit isn't just for everyone, you know.
For his birthday, I made Stephen a CD. I was soundly mocked by my siblings for this particular decision, who desperately wanted to know about the "mixtape of love" I was putting together for him. Really, it wasn't a big deal - I have a fairly decent handle on his music taste, so I went through mine and found things I was pretty certain he didn't have but would definitely appreciate. So, some thought and effort, but minimal funds. All in all, a good decision.
As for the status of our relationship, I think that I could explain it far better than you could glean information about it from what I got him for his birthday :P We're currently in a most peculiar limbo between friends and dating. We haven't directly talked about it, but neither of us wanted to just dive into boyfriend/girlfriendness. I can hear your snort of derisive disbelief that I don't want to dive into a relationship (or perhaps not, you always display an uncanny ability to know me better than I know myself), but seriously, I don't. It's weird. I would have thought that given an opportunity to date someone I both respect and am deeply attracted to, I'd go all barnacle on him and latch on. But actually....I'm really comfortable just figuring this out. I'm not sure that we're a good fit yet.
Related, the time has come for me to wave the white flag and admit defeat. Alright, boys of the past year....you were right in saying that I have issues with commitment. I genuinely thought they were wrong. Truly. But given the fact that I really like Stephen, have had a crush on him for forever, suddenly have prospects with him and something in me is still digging in its heals about actually dating him? Yeah, we're going to have to go with there being some peculiar eccentricity in my paradigm affecting that. There's a lot of things I'm learning about myself with this whole thing that I'd never expected before. Haha, oh, and Stephen doesn't know that I've never really been in a relationship before. I felt it prudent, considering that that would seem to be kind of a big deal. However, it's making discussion of my romantic past somewhat complicated :P
Basically, I don't know exactly what's up with this whole thing....But it's INSANELY different from anything else I've ever had. Most pleasant limbo experience ever :P
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