(February 6, 2012)
I have so much that I want to tell you right now, because I'm immensely....grrr. Sigh. Throwing wrenches in my own well-laid plans, frankly. However, they involve boys. I will decide, after replying in general, whether or not I will be noble enough to keep these things to myself.
On, pre-church discussion for the dating panel was marvelous because it was much more about general dating things and vaguely gender-political questions as regards dating, which will undoubtedly fascinate me until I'm married and honestly, probably even after that. I had much to say on the subject and was quite pleased to see my words well-received. Among my wisdom (which yes, I'm totally going to quote here under the almost totally un-ironic heading of "wisdom")
*There is a reason girls shouldn't and don't ask guys out. And it's not because the social construct is biased, it's not because we're lazy, or poor, or anything else. It's that girls halve their chance with a guy (at a generous estimate) when they take away so significant an element of the chase. People want what they can't have. Boys most especially want what they can't have. If I'm going to hand it to someone, I'm more than well aware that I will get it back the second they're bored of making out.
* Mixed messages are way more often a no than a yes. Everyone would be happier if they lived under this understanding. If boys don't want to deal with a girl who plays games, they shouldn't - if she's messing with your mind, get out of there. Stop pursuing her, stop hanging out with her. If she really wants you, the texts and the "haven't seen you in a while ;)" s and so on will begin tout de suite.
Serious.
Alright, fine, I suppose I won't be noble and I am going to subject you to this. You probably should hear about it, if you have a vested interest in that general area. Christian....I'm so confused. It's perplexing to want, with great agony and longing, things I don't think I can have, and then have them taken away from me and not be distressed in the slightest. I don't get myself. At all. And for the first time, I'm really concerned about what this could mean. There have been boys that I thought I cared about, and by all accounts I did - worrying about them and helping them out and even praying for them - only to discover, when they waltzed out of my life, that I was totally fine, if a bit out of sorts for maybe twenty-four hours or so. I've never cried about a boy in my entire life, did you know that? I feel like I've programmed myself not to care about boys romantically. It's strange, because I feel as though I do genuinely care about people in general....but boys....I don't know.
Which is the sort of thing I've been worrying about since an in-depth conversation with close friends made me feel like missing the boat on relationships (you know, actually having them and stuff) is going to be a considerably greater problem than I'd originally assumed.
And then, this week, Grant wanted me to make out with him so badly, and we frankly almost did. And I find myself tangled knowing that that would be a horrible idea and realizing how much it distresses me to miss out on that, but feeling like I don't care about him at all romantically while simultaneously hoping in a very sincere way that he's able to work out the things that are screwed up in his life, that he learns to be happy, and also still being attracted to him.
[Would just like you to know that I thought about somehow editing that painful four or so sentences that I decided to put into the unholy amalgamation you see above, but decided not to once I realized just how strongly it reminded me of Hermione's explanation of Cho's feelings in Order of the Phoenix. To which Ron replies that one person can't feel all that at once. Hope you've got more than the emotional range of a teaspoon...]
I'm just so confused....I thought attraction to and sincere concern and appreciation for another person was all you needed to date someone, and if that was reciprocated, boom. Done. Relationship. It seems so simple. And yet I find myself meeting people that I feel both for and don't want to be with, and likewise meeting people who think similar things about me.
Christian....How does this ever work out...for anyone....
I'm just....meh. I think I'm also just grumpy at wanting something I can't have and telling myself over and over again that it would be a capital H Horrible Idea. Knowing that smart Kristen is right. Knowing that if I had the opportunity, I would totally be flouting her advice.
Ha.
Alright, it's one AM, I need to stop. You're probably going to ignore at least some of that.
But I'm pretty sure I did rather well on my first two tests for my tough classes, so :)
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