(January 1, 2012)
HEAVY DISCLAIMER: Having read through it several times now, I can certifiably say that this email is really me using you as a sounding board for some of the at times odd, perplexing, and vaguely profound thoughts of this week. You've been warned. I'll be impressed if you make it to the end, and floored if you can muster any response that is not "Kristen, you are one hundred percent, certifiably, clinically, qualifiably, and under any other number of adverbs, insane. Oh, and you talk too much." Happy reading :)
Whiner. I was going to write you something last week, but as it happens...I ended up spending a massive chunk of the evening with Spencer. That dalliance, incidentally, is rapidly climbing my charts for newest, oddest, most unique and somehow, for all of that, not least pleasant boy dalliance ever. I mean, we aren't dating and we won't ever be, due to my own decision, but still. Odd.
I'll be telling you a lot about that and thoughts as derivatives thereof, by the way, so I hope you're prepared for this to be a fat email indeed.
Let's start with the weird thing that was the Spencer Christmas Special, and go from there.
Told you about the random make out following the Spencer night. I think I also shared that we both said that we had no idea what it meant and that we were okay with that. However, the reason Spencer was over that particular night was that Heather wanted to meet him. She thought he was great, and upon being informed the next morning that I'd made out with him, she gave me stern face and told me that she felt like he was a great guy and in no uncertain terms was I to mess with him. I insisted that it wasn't like that. I don't know what it was like, but I can at least conclusively state that it was not like that. Coming back around by way of the Strait of Magellan to my point, however, Heather liked him, and she and her husband not only conspired among themselves to decide that the two of us should date, she told my brothers about the Spencer. And my sisters-in-law. Which was fine, but they all definitely wanted to meet him. Also fine, but this meant that Spencer not only met, but hung out with my entire family over the break as we played games. It was so bizarre.....Really, just bizarre because it should have been the most unpleasant, weird experience ever. I fully expected it to be. Instead, it was all strangely comfortable and entertaining. Naturally, this cemented an immediate Family Coalition for Kristen to Just Give a Nice Guy a Chance, This Once. Sigh. So weird to have my family know a guy that I'm dating. Or whatever this....is....
Parenthetically, I counted: Boys who have both had face time (of any length, including the please-floor-open-up-and-chew-me-in-half moment that was Tyson saying "sup" to my mom) with either of my parents and kissed me: five. Boys who have actually had some kind of measurable conversation with either of my parents and kissed me....pretty much Spencer. Freaky. Weird. I don't know that I'm ok with it weird.
Anyhow, so we kept with the making out and actually talking (also super weird. Dude. I don't even know what Spencer did to deserve this. So odd.) for a few more days until I felt compelled to text (not say...of course not...) something to the effect of, "Uh...Spencer....I have no idea what to think of this." I was growing uneasy. Because even though he was nice and easy to be around and everything, I knew that I was not going to date him. We'd said that the fact that he lived in Salt Lake and I live in Provo rendered any dating discussion moot, but I was worried that he'd kind of want to rescind that.
After I texted this, he insisted that he talk to me in person about the above, or to be more accurate, he said that he had a "prepared statement" regarding the matter, to deliver. Ha. Said prepared statement, if memory serves, went something like this:
"Kristen, I really like you. So much about you. I would date you if that was what you wanted. I'd totally come down from Salt Lake, it's really not that far, and I've done it before. But I get the feeling that you're still not ready and that you're still somewhat violently opposed to the idea of a relationship. I'm going to be a lot more sad that things won't go that direction now than I was during the summer."
To which I responded with typical aplomb and finesse:
"Yeah...that's all pretty much true."
Silence from Spencer. I'm compelled to explain further.
"You know, the just not ready thing. I don't know. I just don't."
More silence. Kristen's speech is speeding up now.
"Well, and really, I just think that long distance is such a horrible idea, and I'd hate for you to spend that much money on gas and time and etc. to come see me, and I just think that when having a relationship is as much of a step as it is, long distance would just fair murder our chances."
Except that I'm fairly certain that that particularly colorful metaphor wasn't used.
So we've continued to talk and make out a bit and whatever since this time. For my birthday, he got me strings for my new guitar (the pawn shop strings sounded permanently flat) and some novelty picks, of which you received a photo attempt, and a remote-controlled car, randomly and awesomely enough. It's so weird and uncomfortable to be spoiled like this. Not horribly bad, necessarily, I just feel like it's too much and....gah. Dunno.
However. Let's discuss takeaway briefly. I don't even know what to think of all of that oddness.
Firstly: Family statements - "Kristen, you're letting some stupid, preconceived notions on what relationships should be like cloud your perception and you should really date Spencer." Kristen, however, feels that there's rather a crevasse of material between having preconceived notions regarding just how often a boy will bring you long-stemmed roses and having preconceived notions of the type Kristen was entertaining. Namely, that at the beginning, at the very least, you should be excited, at most, stupid, reckless, but never, ever described as "hesitant" with regard to the other person.
Secondly: Spencer did this freaky thing where he described me the way I often think of myself. That is, a somewhat dizzying amalgamation of types (nerdy, awkward, loud, funny, mildly attractive, singing, skanky, serious, surprisingly empathetic) and unexpected and even vaguely unpredictable for just the above reason.
Thirdly: Ha, Spencer also described me in much the way you once did - a lot better than first exposure would suggest. I believe that he told me that I "emerged from [my] obnoxious, brazen hussy cocoon of pretentiousness" and revealed myself to be surprisingly great.
Fourthly, and most importantly: I realized why I'm so okay with being single. Honestly...and this is undoubtedly about to sound all unfortunately twee, but there is in my life an enormous amount of sincere, uncomplicated love, from so many people I know. My family, my friends, all love me in an easy, cheerful, comfortable way, and I love them back the same. These are people who support and love me, for whom I would cheerfully provide anything from a poor, if listening, ear for advice and empathy to money, a car, hours, days, weeks of time, and beyond. In all those relationships, I know that the other person would do anything for me because I'd do anything for them. I will be there as long as they need me, and there is simplicity and happiness in the knowledge that we will be friends as long as they'd like (or family forever.)
But dating relationships are so annoyingly other.
Why?
Because with relationships, there is a balance of power. There is almost always a liker and a likee. The likee has all the blase and all the control. The liker has all the feelings and all the utter impotence unless games are played. Blech. Where is ease? Where is comfort? Where is happy? I frankly rather disdain being on either end. I hate that feeling of totally powerlessness when I play my last card - whether that happens to be an extra text that betrays how much I want a reply, a last-ditch attempt at showcasing my virtues, or, (rather unfortunately fact, this last) finding an excuse to prance around in my orange bikini. And because I so hate that deep feeling of futility, I take no pleasure whatsoever in holding all the cards, knowing that at some point I'm going to have to admit that the only reason I won was because he cared and I didn't.
I love my friends. I love my family. Easy. Uncomplicated. Dealing with boys (romantically) proves to be nothing but difficult and comparable to higher level string theory in complexity. Frankly, I'm content with the real, easy love. I have no patience for the fake, uncertain, difficult kind.
My singleness becomes less of a mystery with every passing hour :)
Sigh. Haha I should really put this email out of its misery. It's limping along, all woebegone and disconsolate and fair begging me for it, but I shall not do it the courtesy of facing it in another direction and talking about rabbits and sunsets just yet.
Last things:
Still haven't checked my grades. HA.
My birthday was amazing, went downtown to a condo of Carly's friends for high-end hot-tubbing.
Go back to school on Wednesday, have no school Tuesday/Thursday and am really excited that I'll have time to run, finally.
Oh, and chorus of my grumpy post-Grant song:
Fair, what's fair?
You changed your mind, but changed mine worse,
Of course, now that I care
Now I'm demoted, I'm not first
Many thanks for living proof
That love and justice both are blind
Without you I'd not know the truth
But with you, so am I.
Ha. Happy week, Happy New Year :)
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