(February 6, 2012)
I have so much that I want to tell you right now, because I'm immensely....grrr. Sigh. Throwing wrenches in my own well-laid plans, frankly. However, they involve boys. I will decide, after replying in general, whether or not I will be noble enough to keep these things to myself.
On, pre-church discussion for the dating panel was marvelous because it was much more about general dating things and vaguely gender-political questions as regards dating, which will undoubtedly fascinate me until I'm married and honestly, probably even after that. I had much to say on the subject and was quite pleased to see my words well-received. Among my wisdom (which yes, I'm totally going to quote here under the almost totally un-ironic heading of "wisdom")
*There is a reason girls shouldn't and don't ask guys out. And it's not because the social construct is biased, it's not because we're lazy, or poor, or anything else. It's that girls halve their chance with a guy (at a generous estimate) when they take away so significant an element of the chase. People want what they can't have. Boys most especially want what they can't have. If I'm going to hand it to someone, I'm more than well aware that I will get it back the second they're bored of making out.
* Mixed messages are way more often a no than a yes. Everyone would be happier if they lived under this understanding. If boys don't want to deal with a girl who plays games, they shouldn't - if she's messing with your mind, get out of there. Stop pursuing her, stop hanging out with her. If she really wants you, the texts and the "haven't seen you in a while ;)" s and so on will begin tout de suite.
Serious.
Alright, fine, I suppose I won't be noble and I am going to subject you to this. You probably should hear about it, if you have a vested interest in that general area. Christian....I'm so confused. It's perplexing to want, with great agony and longing, things I don't think I can have, and then have them taken away from me and not be distressed in the slightest. I don't get myself. At all. And for the first time, I'm really concerned about what this could mean. There have been boys that I thought I cared about, and by all accounts I did - worrying about them and helping them out and even praying for them - only to discover, when they waltzed out of my life, that I was totally fine, if a bit out of sorts for maybe twenty-four hours or so. I've never cried about a boy in my entire life, did you know that? I feel like I've programmed myself not to care about boys romantically. It's strange, because I feel as though I do genuinely care about people in general....but boys....I don't know.
Which is the sort of thing I've been worrying about since an in-depth conversation with close friends made me feel like missing the boat on relationships (you know, actually having them and stuff) is going to be a considerably greater problem than I'd originally assumed.
And then, this week, Grant wanted me to make out with him so badly, and we frankly almost did. And I find myself tangled knowing that that would be a horrible idea and realizing how much it distresses me to miss out on that, but feeling like I don't care about him at all romantically while simultaneously hoping in a very sincere way that he's able to work out the things that are screwed up in his life, that he learns to be happy, and also still being attracted to him.
[Would just like you to know that I thought about somehow editing that painful four or so sentences that I decided to put into the unholy amalgamation you see above, but decided not to once I realized just how strongly it reminded me of Hermione's explanation of Cho's feelings in Order of the Phoenix. To which Ron replies that one person can't feel all that at once. Hope you've got more than the emotional range of a teaspoon...]
I'm just so confused....I thought attraction to and sincere concern and appreciation for another person was all you needed to date someone, and if that was reciprocated, boom. Done. Relationship. It seems so simple. And yet I find myself meeting people that I feel both for and don't want to be with, and likewise meeting people who think similar things about me.
Christian....How does this ever work out...for anyone....
I'm just....meh. I think I'm also just grumpy at wanting something I can't have and telling myself over and over again that it would be a capital H Horrible Idea. Knowing that smart Kristen is right. Knowing that if I had the opportunity, I would totally be flouting her advice.
Ha.
Alright, it's one AM, I need to stop. You're probably going to ignore at least some of that.
But I'm pretty sure I did rather well on my first two tests for my tough classes, so :)
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
My roommate has just informed me that my lotion smells of fruit roll-ups. The things you miss in Norway.
(January 30,2012)
For a change, we'll do random tidbits from my life first and then reply to your emails. Hung out with Spencer again and had a weird convo with him about how it was utterly bizarre to me that I could enjoy hanging out with him and genuinely appreciate him as a person as much as I do and not be remotely distressed at the thought of him dating someone else. Certainly not nearly so distressed as I was at the thought of me not dating anyone else. Dang. The more I see of dating, the more I feel like nothing makes a great deal of sense.
Which is just marvelous, because I got called upon by the bishop to be part of a panel from the ward to discuss dating and relationships for our second and third hour lesson today in church.
Ha. Ha. Ha. At last count, number of people who, upon hearing of this decision, laughed or called into question the sanity of my bishopric: five. Sigh. The bishopric had everybody write down random dating questions, and then assembled a group of seven or eight of us to talk about it before church today to assure, as much as possible, that the lesson wouldn't devolve into a battle of the sexes. Pre-church discussion was actually quite marvelous. Great thoughts were shared, and I took up way more than my share of the floor. This, however, did not translate to church discussion.
Oh, such a painful two hours of church we all endured today....Everyone had something to say. Everyone took a good five minutes to share their thoughts. BLAAAAH. It was death. Someone afterwards suggested that the panel should have done all the talking. While that idea has many deficiencies (among them that I would for all intents and purposes be an abysmally non-representative mouthpiece for girls in the ward), it certainly would have saved us listening to eighty million sob stories of getting turned down and positively painful discussions of making out.
Ha, related. During before church discussion, bishop brought up the inevitable making out question (Which someone had conveniently written, "Is making out okay?" - Thanks, dude.) and said that he really wanted to discuss it, but that he didn't want to seem out of touch. He asked for suggestions. As everyone else seemed afraid to share what I feel is generally accepted knowledge, I bravely stepped forward.
"Honestly, Bishop," I said, somewhat haltingly, "I have to say that it is incredibly rare, in my experience, to know people who both date regularly and don't make out. Really, incredibly rare. While it is technically something that I have been told is not okay, I do not know very many people who abstain purely due to their own decisions."
While I was concerned that this would bring on a firestorm, it was calmly discussed that it would seem out-of-touch and ignorant to simply denounce making out for being bad (Because a majority so healthy it could run marathons does, in fact, make out on the regular and not feel bad about it), it had to be said that making out was dangerous territory, and that everyone should know that they're playing with fire when they make out. Not condoning, but not unaware that it's almost a universal practice. How I feel regarding this subject is a topic for another day. Besides, you probably already know that anyway. What is unfortunate is that for all this, the bishop gave his spiel, only to have his wife stand up afterwards, "I'd just like to congratulate all of you who haven't been in make-out sessions. I always told my children not to kiss while they were dating, and I really do not think that it is necessary to kiss when...."
And I honestly can't report what she said after that.
The wonderful thing was that I was, in fact, seated at the front, facing the entire ward, meaning that I got to watch about 98% of the wards' eyes widen in collective aghast....ment. tion? ness? Whatever.
Ha and the reason that Grant is weird is the fact that yes, he obviously wants some action, but he also enjoys my company and genuinely wants me to be his friend. All while really really not being interested. What the fuh? That is weird. Come on. And the fact that he flirted with as seeming sincerity as any genuinely interested boy I've ever known, only for me to hear him say that he'd never been interested and really, I was into him? Was kind of ground- and paradigm-shakingly insane, I tell you.
For a change, we'll do random tidbits from my life first and then reply to your emails. Hung out with Spencer again and had a weird convo with him about how it was utterly bizarre to me that I could enjoy hanging out with him and genuinely appreciate him as a person as much as I do and not be remotely distressed at the thought of him dating someone else. Certainly not nearly so distressed as I was at the thought of me not dating anyone else. Dang. The more I see of dating, the more I feel like nothing makes a great deal of sense.
Which is just marvelous, because I got called upon by the bishop to be part of a panel from the ward to discuss dating and relationships for our second and third hour lesson today in church.
Ha. Ha. Ha. At last count, number of people who, upon hearing of this decision, laughed or called into question the sanity of my bishopric: five. Sigh. The bishopric had everybody write down random dating questions, and then assembled a group of seven or eight of us to talk about it before church today to assure, as much as possible, that the lesson wouldn't devolve into a battle of the sexes. Pre-church discussion was actually quite marvelous. Great thoughts were shared, and I took up way more than my share of the floor. This, however, did not translate to church discussion.
Oh, such a painful two hours of church we all endured today....Everyone had something to say. Everyone took a good five minutes to share their thoughts. BLAAAAH. It was death. Someone afterwards suggested that the panel should have done all the talking. While that idea has many deficiencies (among them that I would for all intents and purposes be an abysmally non-representative mouthpiece for girls in the ward), it certainly would have saved us listening to eighty million sob stories of getting turned down and positively painful discussions of making out.
Ha, related. During before church discussion, bishop brought up the inevitable making out question (Which someone had conveniently written, "Is making out okay?" - Thanks, dude.) and said that he really wanted to discuss it, but that he didn't want to seem out of touch. He asked for suggestions. As everyone else seemed afraid to share what I feel is generally accepted knowledge, I bravely stepped forward.
"Honestly, Bishop," I said, somewhat haltingly, "I have to say that it is incredibly rare, in my experience, to know people who both date regularly and don't make out. Really, incredibly rare. While it is technically something that I have been told is not okay, I do not know very many people who abstain purely due to their own decisions."
While I was concerned that this would bring on a firestorm, it was calmly discussed that it would seem out-of-touch and ignorant to simply denounce making out for being bad (Because a majority so healthy it could run marathons does, in fact, make out on the regular and not feel bad about it), it had to be said that making out was dangerous territory, and that everyone should know that they're playing with fire when they make out. Not condoning, but not unaware that it's almost a universal practice. How I feel regarding this subject is a topic for another day. Besides, you probably already know that anyway. What is unfortunate is that for all this, the bishop gave his spiel, only to have his wife stand up afterwards, "I'd just like to congratulate all of you who haven't been in make-out sessions. I always told my children not to kiss while they were dating, and I really do not think that it is necessary to kiss when...."
And I honestly can't report what she said after that.
The wonderful thing was that I was, in fact, seated at the front, facing the entire ward, meaning that I got to watch about 98% of the wards' eyes widen in collective aghast....ment. tion? ness? Whatever.
Ha and the reason that Grant is weird is the fact that yes, he obviously wants some action, but he also enjoys my company and genuinely wants me to be his friend. All while really really not being interested. What the fuh? That is weird. Come on. And the fact that he flirted with as seeming sincerity as any genuinely interested boy I've ever known, only for me to hear him say that he'd never been interested and really, I was into him? Was kind of ground- and paradigm-shakingly insane, I tell you.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Your email was difficult to respond to, are you aware of that?
(January 23, 2012)
On to more interesting things: I still have stories to tell that I don't know that you want to hear. I'll tell you some of the Grant, at least, because he remains positively the most unusual boy ever.
We hung out last weekend, and I will simply give you a rough transcript of some of the high points.
Grant: Do you want to hear something nice someone said about you?
Kristen [smiling broadly]: Is that a serious question?
Grant: So my roommate Nick saw you walking to school yesterday and came in and was like, "Kristen is so attractive. Like so good-looking."
Kristen: Ha! That is marvelous. On the short list of things I never tire of hearing, that people find me attractive is really really up there.
[Pause, in which Kristen appears to concentrate very hard]
Grant: What is that face?
Kristen: It just became really important that I remember what I was wearing yesterday.
Grant: It's true, though.
Kristen: That I need to remember what I was wearing yesterday? Glad you concur.
Grant: No, you're attractive.
Kristen [cautious, suspicious and skeptical]: uh....huh.....anyway.....
{Conversation proceeds to other topics for a while, and eventually comes around to the madness that was my Christmas break and the week following, and story swapping commences}
Grant: Yeah, and I even kissed a girl the same day I met her.
Kristen: Nice! That's totally on my bucket list. A guy. Eh, well I guess that I've technically done that, if you count dares, but I don't count those.
Grant: You don't count dares?
Kristen: Pfft. Of course not.
Grant: So I could dare you to kiss me right now?
Kristen [who is immediately regarding Grant from one slitted eye]: .....Technically.....but anyway....
[Roommates enter, and Grant and I are unable to talk as candidly as before, and he begins texting me from across the room]
Grant: So my cousin Brady. You should make out with him.
Kristen: Ha. Meh. Might second string him.
Grant: What does that mean?
Kristen: Oh, come on, use that snark for good instead of evil just this once and figure it out.
Grant: So who's first string?
Grant: Say it's me.
Kristen: Oh shut up :P
And then, as he walks me home:
Grant: I was so excited for you to come over so I could talk to you, it's too bad that everyone else had to come.
Kristen: Yeah, I know, I really like just talking to you.
Grant: I was thinking, "Kristen's coming over, this is going to be hot."
Kristen: ...ha....no you weren't.
Grant [In tones of sincerity]: Yeah, I kind of was.
He later texted me that evening and told me that he was hoping we could hook up.
My immediate response to which was: "Oh, you odd person. No, you weren't."
In other news, my brother Dustin called me a skank and told me to stop messing with boys' feelings and then proceeded to give me a really long lecture about how you can't just make out with boys without them caring about you. Sigh. Would that that were true, but excluding notable exceptions such as Spencer (which isn't entirely fair, as he was a substantial part of why we were having this conversation), boys are quite fine if they make out with me and never see me again. Grant certainly would not have been heart broken if we'd taken that particular course. (We didn't).
Anyhow, this should end, as I have enormous homework fixing to do before school tomorrow. Growl. SO do not want to finish homework tomorrow. Oh, and I just decided that I'm going to attach the thought paper I did for mission prep to this email. Am I? huh. Maybe I won't. You're judgy and I wrote it in forty-five minutes or so today. Eh. I'm doing it anyway.
I also want books to read. So badly. When I was sick on MLK, Jr. Day I spent the entire day rereading Hunger Games one. MARVELOUS decision. But now I want more of the candy.
Alright. Have to go to bed.
Give me more to work with this week, and you won't have to endure long letters about things you don't particular care for :)
On to more interesting things: I still have stories to tell that I don't know that you want to hear. I'll tell you some of the Grant, at least, because he remains positively the most unusual boy ever.
We hung out last weekend, and I will simply give you a rough transcript of some of the high points.
Grant: Do you want to hear something nice someone said about you?
Kristen [smiling broadly]: Is that a serious question?
Grant: So my roommate Nick saw you walking to school yesterday and came in and was like, "Kristen is so attractive. Like so good-looking."
Kristen: Ha! That is marvelous. On the short list of things I never tire of hearing, that people find me attractive is really really up there.
[Pause, in which Kristen appears to concentrate very hard]
Grant: What is that face?
Kristen: It just became really important that I remember what I was wearing yesterday.
Grant: It's true, though.
Kristen: That I need to remember what I was wearing yesterday? Glad you concur.
Grant: No, you're attractive.
Kristen [cautious, suspicious and skeptical]: uh....huh.....anyway.....
{Conversation proceeds to other topics for a while, and eventually comes around to the madness that was my Christmas break and the week following, and story swapping commences}
Grant: Yeah, and I even kissed a girl the same day I met her.
Kristen: Nice! That's totally on my bucket list. A guy. Eh, well I guess that I've technically done that, if you count dares, but I don't count those.
Grant: You don't count dares?
Kristen: Pfft. Of course not.
Grant: So I could dare you to kiss me right now?
Kristen [who is immediately regarding Grant from one slitted eye]: .....Technically.....but anyway....
[Roommates enter, and Grant and I are unable to talk as candidly as before, and he begins texting me from across the room]
Grant: So my cousin Brady. You should make out with him.
Kristen: Ha. Meh. Might second string him.
Grant: What does that mean?
Kristen: Oh, come on, use that snark for good instead of evil just this once and figure it out.
Grant: So who's first string?
Grant: Say it's me.
Kristen: Oh shut up :P
And then, as he walks me home:
Grant: I was so excited for you to come over so I could talk to you, it's too bad that everyone else had to come.
Kristen: Yeah, I know, I really like just talking to you.
Grant: I was thinking, "Kristen's coming over, this is going to be hot."
Kristen: ...ha....no you weren't.
Grant [In tones of sincerity]: Yeah, I kind of was.
He later texted me that evening and told me that he was hoping we could hook up.
My immediate response to which was: "Oh, you odd person. No, you weren't."
In other news, my brother Dustin called me a skank and told me to stop messing with boys' feelings and then proceeded to give me a really long lecture about how you can't just make out with boys without them caring about you. Sigh. Would that that were true, but excluding notable exceptions such as Spencer (which isn't entirely fair, as he was a substantial part of why we were having this conversation), boys are quite fine if they make out with me and never see me again. Grant certainly would not have been heart broken if we'd taken that particular course. (We didn't).
Anyhow, this should end, as I have enormous homework fixing to do before school tomorrow. Growl. SO do not want to finish homework tomorrow. Oh, and I just decided that I'm going to attach the thought paper I did for mission prep to this email. Am I? huh. Maybe I won't. You're judgy and I wrote it in forty-five minutes or so today. Eh. I'm doing it anyway.
I also want books to read. So badly. When I was sick on MLK, Jr. Day I spent the entire day rereading Hunger Games one. MARVELOUS decision. But now I want more of the candy.
Alright. Have to go to bed.
Give me more to work with this week, and you won't have to endure long letters about things you don't particular care for :)
Friday, March 2, 2012
In which I drone on and on
(January 1, 2012)
HEAVY DISCLAIMER: Having read through it several times now, I can certifiably say that this email is really me using you as a sounding board for some of the at times odd, perplexing, and vaguely profound thoughts of this week. You've been warned. I'll be impressed if you make it to the end, and floored if you can muster any response that is not "Kristen, you are one hundred percent, certifiably, clinically, qualifiably, and under any other number of adverbs, insane. Oh, and you talk too much." Happy reading :)
Whiner. I was going to write you something last week, but as it happens...I ended up spending a massive chunk of the evening with Spencer. That dalliance, incidentally, is rapidly climbing my charts for newest, oddest, most unique and somehow, for all of that, not least pleasant boy dalliance ever. I mean, we aren't dating and we won't ever be, due to my own decision, but still. Odd.
I'll be telling you a lot about that and thoughts as derivatives thereof, by the way, so I hope you're prepared for this to be a fat email indeed.
Let's start with the weird thing that was the Spencer Christmas Special, and go from there.
Told you about the random make out following the Spencer night. I think I also shared that we both said that we had no idea what it meant and that we were okay with that. However, the reason Spencer was over that particular night was that Heather wanted to meet him. She thought he was great, and upon being informed the next morning that I'd made out with him, she gave me stern face and told me that she felt like he was a great guy and in no uncertain terms was I to mess with him. I insisted that it wasn't like that. I don't know what it was like, but I can at least conclusively state that it was not like that. Coming back around by way of the Strait of Magellan to my point, however, Heather liked him, and she and her husband not only conspired among themselves to decide that the two of us should date, she told my brothers about the Spencer. And my sisters-in-law. Which was fine, but they all definitely wanted to meet him. Also fine, but this meant that Spencer not only met, but hung out with my entire family over the break as we played games. It was so bizarre.....Really, just bizarre because it should have been the most unpleasant, weird experience ever. I fully expected it to be. Instead, it was all strangely comfortable and entertaining. Naturally, this cemented an immediate Family Coalition for Kristen to Just Give a Nice Guy a Chance, This Once. Sigh. So weird to have my family know a guy that I'm dating. Or whatever this....is....
Parenthetically, I counted: Boys who have both had face time (of any length, including the please-floor-open-up-and-chew-me-in-half moment that was Tyson saying "sup" to my mom) with either of my parents and kissed me: five. Boys who have actually had some kind of measurable conversation with either of my parents and kissed me....pretty much Spencer. Freaky. Weird. I don't know that I'm ok with it weird.
Anyhow, so we kept with the making out and actually talking (also super weird. Dude. I don't even know what Spencer did to deserve this. So odd.) for a few more days until I felt compelled to text (not say...of course not...) something to the effect of, "Uh...Spencer....I have no idea what to think of this." I was growing uneasy. Because even though he was nice and easy to be around and everything, I knew that I was not going to date him. We'd said that the fact that he lived in Salt Lake and I live in Provo rendered any dating discussion moot, but I was worried that he'd kind of want to rescind that.
After I texted this, he insisted that he talk to me in person about the above, or to be more accurate, he said that he had a "prepared statement" regarding the matter, to deliver. Ha. Said prepared statement, if memory serves, went something like this:
"Kristen, I really like you. So much about you. I would date you if that was what you wanted. I'd totally come down from Salt Lake, it's really not that far, and I've done it before. But I get the feeling that you're still not ready and that you're still somewhat violently opposed to the idea of a relationship. I'm going to be a lot more sad that things won't go that direction now than I was during the summer."
To which I responded with typical aplomb and finesse:
"Yeah...that's all pretty much true."
Silence from Spencer. I'm compelled to explain further.
"You know, the just not ready thing. I don't know. I just don't."
More silence. Kristen's speech is speeding up now.
"Well, and really, I just think that long distance is such a horrible idea, and I'd hate for you to spend that much money on gas and time and etc. to come see me, and I just think that when having a relationship is as much of a step as it is, long distance would just fair murder our chances."
Except that I'm fairly certain that that particularly colorful metaphor wasn't used.
So we've continued to talk and make out a bit and whatever since this time. For my birthday, he got me strings for my new guitar (the pawn shop strings sounded permanently flat) and some novelty picks, of which you received a photo attempt, and a remote-controlled car, randomly and awesomely enough. It's so weird and uncomfortable to be spoiled like this. Not horribly bad, necessarily, I just feel like it's too much and....gah. Dunno.
However. Let's discuss takeaway briefly. I don't even know what to think of all of that oddness.
Firstly: Family statements - "Kristen, you're letting some stupid, preconceived notions on what relationships should be like cloud your perception and you should really date Spencer." Kristen, however, feels that there's rather a crevasse of material between having preconceived notions regarding just how often a boy will bring you long-stemmed roses and having preconceived notions of the type Kristen was entertaining. Namely, that at the beginning, at the very least, you should be excited, at most, stupid, reckless, but never, ever described as "hesitant" with regard to the other person.
Secondly: Spencer did this freaky thing where he described me the way I often think of myself. That is, a somewhat dizzying amalgamation of types (nerdy, awkward, loud, funny, mildly attractive, singing, skanky, serious, surprisingly empathetic) and unexpected and even vaguely unpredictable for just the above reason.
Thirdly: Ha, Spencer also described me in much the way you once did - a lot better than first exposure would suggest. I believe that he told me that I "emerged from [my] obnoxious, brazen hussy cocoon of pretentiousness" and revealed myself to be surprisingly great.
Fourthly, and most importantly: I realized why I'm so okay with being single. Honestly...and this is undoubtedly about to sound all unfortunately twee, but there is in my life an enormous amount of sincere, uncomplicated love, from so many people I know. My family, my friends, all love me in an easy, cheerful, comfortable way, and I love them back the same. These are people who support and love me, for whom I would cheerfully provide anything from a poor, if listening, ear for advice and empathy to money, a car, hours, days, weeks of time, and beyond. In all those relationships, I know that the other person would do anything for me because I'd do anything for them. I will be there as long as they need me, and there is simplicity and happiness in the knowledge that we will be friends as long as they'd like (or family forever.)
But dating relationships are so annoyingly other.
Why?
Because with relationships, there is a balance of power. There is almost always a liker and a likee. The likee has all the blase and all the control. The liker has all the feelings and all the utter impotence unless games are played. Blech. Where is ease? Where is comfort? Where is happy? I frankly rather disdain being on either end. I hate that feeling of totally powerlessness when I play my last card - whether that happens to be an extra text that betrays how much I want a reply, a last-ditch attempt at showcasing my virtues, or, (rather unfortunately fact, this last) finding an excuse to prance around in my orange bikini. And because I so hate that deep feeling of futility, I take no pleasure whatsoever in holding all the cards, knowing that at some point I'm going to have to admit that the only reason I won was because he cared and I didn't.
I love my friends. I love my family. Easy. Uncomplicated. Dealing with boys (romantically) proves to be nothing but difficult and comparable to higher level string theory in complexity. Frankly, I'm content with the real, easy love. I have no patience for the fake, uncertain, difficult kind.
My singleness becomes less of a mystery with every passing hour :)
Sigh. Haha I should really put this email out of its misery. It's limping along, all woebegone and disconsolate and fair begging me for it, but I shall not do it the courtesy of facing it in another direction and talking about rabbits and sunsets just yet.
Last things:
Still haven't checked my grades. HA.
My birthday was amazing, went downtown to a condo of Carly's friends for high-end hot-tubbing.
Go back to school on Wednesday, have no school Tuesday/Thursday and am really excited that I'll have time to run, finally.
Oh, and chorus of my grumpy post-Grant song:
Fair, what's fair?
You changed your mind, but changed mine worse,
Of course, now that I care
Now I'm demoted, I'm not first
Many thanks for living proof
That love and justice both are blind
Without you I'd not know the truth
But with you, so am I.
Ha. Happy week, Happy New Year :)
HEAVY DISCLAIMER: Having read through it several times now, I can certifiably say that this email is really me using you as a sounding board for some of the at times odd, perplexing, and vaguely profound thoughts of this week. You've been warned. I'll be impressed if you make it to the end, and floored if you can muster any response that is not "Kristen, you are one hundred percent, certifiably, clinically, qualifiably, and under any other number of adverbs, insane. Oh, and you talk too much." Happy reading :)
Whiner. I was going to write you something last week, but as it happens...I ended up spending a massive chunk of the evening with Spencer. That dalliance, incidentally, is rapidly climbing my charts for newest, oddest, most unique and somehow, for all of that, not least pleasant boy dalliance ever. I mean, we aren't dating and we won't ever be, due to my own decision, but still. Odd.
I'll be telling you a lot about that and thoughts as derivatives thereof, by the way, so I hope you're prepared for this to be a fat email indeed.
Let's start with the weird thing that was the Spencer Christmas Special, and go from there.
Told you about the random make out following the Spencer night. I think I also shared that we both said that we had no idea what it meant and that we were okay with that. However, the reason Spencer was over that particular night was that Heather wanted to meet him. She thought he was great, and upon being informed the next morning that I'd made out with him, she gave me stern face and told me that she felt like he was a great guy and in no uncertain terms was I to mess with him. I insisted that it wasn't like that. I don't know what it was like, but I can at least conclusively state that it was not like that. Coming back around by way of the Strait of Magellan to my point, however, Heather liked him, and she and her husband not only conspired among themselves to decide that the two of us should date, she told my brothers about the Spencer. And my sisters-in-law. Which was fine, but they all definitely wanted to meet him. Also fine, but this meant that Spencer not only met, but hung out with my entire family over the break as we played games. It was so bizarre.....Really, just bizarre because it should have been the most unpleasant, weird experience ever. I fully expected it to be. Instead, it was all strangely comfortable and entertaining. Naturally, this cemented an immediate Family Coalition for Kristen to Just Give a Nice Guy a Chance, This Once. Sigh. So weird to have my family know a guy that I'm dating. Or whatever this....is....
Parenthetically, I counted: Boys who have both had face time (of any length, including the please-floor-open-up-and-chew-me-in-half moment that was Tyson saying "sup" to my mom) with either of my parents and kissed me: five. Boys who have actually had some kind of measurable conversation with either of my parents and kissed me....pretty much Spencer. Freaky. Weird. I don't know that I'm ok with it weird.
Anyhow, so we kept with the making out and actually talking (also super weird. Dude. I don't even know what Spencer did to deserve this. So odd.) for a few more days until I felt compelled to text (not say...of course not...) something to the effect of, "Uh...Spencer....I have no idea what to think of this." I was growing uneasy. Because even though he was nice and easy to be around and everything, I knew that I was not going to date him. We'd said that the fact that he lived in Salt Lake and I live in Provo rendered any dating discussion moot, but I was worried that he'd kind of want to rescind that.
After I texted this, he insisted that he talk to me in person about the above, or to be more accurate, he said that he had a "prepared statement" regarding the matter, to deliver. Ha. Said prepared statement, if memory serves, went something like this:
"Kristen, I really like you. So much about you. I would date you if that was what you wanted. I'd totally come down from Salt Lake, it's really not that far, and I've done it before. But I get the feeling that you're still not ready and that you're still somewhat violently opposed to the idea of a relationship. I'm going to be a lot more sad that things won't go that direction now than I was during the summer."
To which I responded with typical aplomb and finesse:
"Yeah...that's all pretty much true."
Silence from Spencer. I'm compelled to explain further.
"You know, the just not ready thing. I don't know. I just don't."
More silence. Kristen's speech is speeding up now.
"Well, and really, I just think that long distance is such a horrible idea, and I'd hate for you to spend that much money on gas and time and etc. to come see me, and I just think that when having a relationship is as much of a step as it is, long distance would just fair murder our chances."
Except that I'm fairly certain that that particularly colorful metaphor wasn't used.
So we've continued to talk and make out a bit and whatever since this time. For my birthday, he got me strings for my new guitar (the pawn shop strings sounded permanently flat) and some novelty picks, of which you received a photo attempt, and a remote-controlled car, randomly and awesomely enough. It's so weird and uncomfortable to be spoiled like this. Not horribly bad, necessarily, I just feel like it's too much and....gah. Dunno.
However. Let's discuss takeaway briefly. I don't even know what to think of all of that oddness.
Firstly: Family statements - "Kristen, you're letting some stupid, preconceived notions on what relationships should be like cloud your perception and you should really date Spencer." Kristen, however, feels that there's rather a crevasse of material between having preconceived notions regarding just how often a boy will bring you long-stemmed roses and having preconceived notions of the type Kristen was entertaining. Namely, that at the beginning, at the very least, you should be excited, at most, stupid, reckless, but never, ever described as "hesitant" with regard to the other person.
Secondly: Spencer did this freaky thing where he described me the way I often think of myself. That is, a somewhat dizzying amalgamation of types (nerdy, awkward, loud, funny, mildly attractive, singing, skanky, serious, surprisingly empathetic) and unexpected and even vaguely unpredictable for just the above reason.
Thirdly: Ha, Spencer also described me in much the way you once did - a lot better than first exposure would suggest. I believe that he told me that I "emerged from [my] obnoxious, brazen hussy cocoon of pretentiousness" and revealed myself to be surprisingly great.
Fourthly, and most importantly: I realized why I'm so okay with being single. Honestly...and this is undoubtedly about to sound all unfortunately twee, but there is in my life an enormous amount of sincere, uncomplicated love, from so many people I know. My family, my friends, all love me in an easy, cheerful, comfortable way, and I love them back the same. These are people who support and love me, for whom I would cheerfully provide anything from a poor, if listening, ear for advice and empathy to money, a car, hours, days, weeks of time, and beyond. In all those relationships, I know that the other person would do anything for me because I'd do anything for them. I will be there as long as they need me, and there is simplicity and happiness in the knowledge that we will be friends as long as they'd like (or family forever.)
But dating relationships are so annoyingly other.
Why?
Because with relationships, there is a balance of power. There is almost always a liker and a likee. The likee has all the blase and all the control. The liker has all the feelings and all the utter impotence unless games are played. Blech. Where is ease? Where is comfort? Where is happy? I frankly rather disdain being on either end. I hate that feeling of totally powerlessness when I play my last card - whether that happens to be an extra text that betrays how much I want a reply, a last-ditch attempt at showcasing my virtues, or, (rather unfortunately fact, this last) finding an excuse to prance around in my orange bikini. And because I so hate that deep feeling of futility, I take no pleasure whatsoever in holding all the cards, knowing that at some point I'm going to have to admit that the only reason I won was because he cared and I didn't.
I love my friends. I love my family. Easy. Uncomplicated. Dealing with boys (romantically) proves to be nothing but difficult and comparable to higher level string theory in complexity. Frankly, I'm content with the real, easy love. I have no patience for the fake, uncertain, difficult kind.
My singleness becomes less of a mystery with every passing hour :)
Sigh. Haha I should really put this email out of its misery. It's limping along, all woebegone and disconsolate and fair begging me for it, but I shall not do it the courtesy of facing it in another direction and talking about rabbits and sunsets just yet.
Last things:
Still haven't checked my grades. HA.
My birthday was amazing, went downtown to a condo of Carly's friends for high-end hot-tubbing.
Go back to school on Wednesday, have no school Tuesday/Thursday and am really excited that I'll have time to run, finally.
Oh, and chorus of my grumpy post-Grant song:
Fair, what's fair?
You changed your mind, but changed mine worse,
Of course, now that I care
Now I'm demoted, I'm not first
Many thanks for living proof
That love and justice both are blind
Without you I'd not know the truth
But with you, so am I.
Ha. Happy week, Happy New Year :)
End of Finals< End of Grant
(December 19, 2011)
Finals. I'm pretty sure I put forth a mediocre show on most of them. Although I did legitimately do a cartwheel in the engineering building after I finished my last final.
I was totally by myself and just did a cartwheel.
Goodbye, crappy semester of poo.
Did I mention that grades for said semester come out on my birthday? Why, universe? Why?
Oh, this email. Scattered and unfortunate. Ha I'm so very sorry, but I really can't turn it around at this point :).
I really don't have enough to say on the subject of your email, so I'm just going to tell you about what happened tonight.
See, I was rather annoyed at one master Grant because he was being less and less available. Even though I was 99% certain that was him telling me he didn't want me, I really wanted a no. A verbalized, real- life no. Just to cut things off cleanly. What follows is our conversation this evening, after having discussed music and such and whatever for a bit.
Kristen: "So, I have a question for you."
Grant: "Oh, yeah, what?"
Kristen (very closely paraphrased indeed): "I feel like, early on, it was relatively clear that you were at least mildly interested in me. However, in the last week, week and a half, it seems as though your apparent interest has dropped off precipitously, and I was just wondering if this is because your actual interest has similarly dropped off, or what, precisely is going on. I'm perplexed."
Grant [chuckles as if somewhat taken aback]: Oh, my. I... don't even know.
Kristen [Derisively, born of feelings of yeah- that's-exactly-the-response-I-wanted displeasure]: Ha really? You don't know?
Grant: Look, I'm sorry, but....I've actually never really been interested in you
Kristen: [Jaw shatters on the floor of his car]
Grant: Ha, sorry, I mean, I really don't think so....
[Continuing] I just like hanging out with you and stuff...I don't really think of you that way. You're really cool to talk to and all of that though.
Haha is it bad that all I can do is laugh about how ridiculously unexpected that is to me? I mean, it hurts....but, shiz. Life just wanted me to know how stupid I am for thinking I know when people like me.
Finals. I'm pretty sure I put forth a mediocre show on most of them. Although I did legitimately do a cartwheel in the engineering building after I finished my last final.
I was totally by myself and just did a cartwheel.
Goodbye, crappy semester of poo.
Did I mention that grades for said semester come out on my birthday? Why, universe? Why?
Oh, this email. Scattered and unfortunate. Ha I'm so very sorry, but I really can't turn it around at this point :).
I really don't have enough to say on the subject of your email, so I'm just going to tell you about what happened tonight.
See, I was rather annoyed at one master Grant because he was being less and less available. Even though I was 99% certain that was him telling me he didn't want me, I really wanted a no. A verbalized, real- life no. Just to cut things off cleanly. What follows is our conversation this evening, after having discussed music and such and whatever for a bit.
Kristen: "So, I have a question for you."
Grant: "Oh, yeah, what?"
Kristen (very closely paraphrased indeed): "I feel like, early on, it was relatively clear that you were at least mildly interested in me. However, in the last week, week and a half, it seems as though your apparent interest has dropped off precipitously, and I was just wondering if this is because your actual interest has similarly dropped off, or what, precisely is going on. I'm perplexed."
Grant [chuckles as if somewhat taken aback]: Oh, my. I... don't even know.
Kristen [Derisively, born of feelings of yeah- that's-exactly-the-response-I-wanted displeasure]: Ha really? You don't know?
Grant: Look, I'm sorry, but....I've actually never really been interested in you
Kristen: [Jaw shatters on the floor of his car]
Grant: Ha, sorry, I mean, I really don't think so....
[Continuing] I just like hanging out with you and stuff...I don't really think of you that way. You're really cool to talk to and all of that though.
Haha is it bad that all I can do is laugh about how ridiculously unexpected that is to me? I mean, it hurts....but, shiz. Life just wanted me to know how stupid I am for thinking I know when people like me.
Craziness.
(December 11, 2011)
Welcome to finals Sunday!!
I'm going to sum that up for you in one word.
Resigned.
(Be prepared for me to totally break that one word promise below.)
Also, finals: I'm terrified. That unfortunate version of terrified that paralyzes you from putting forth a solid effort because the very idea is frightening, even though you realize that said paralysis is guaranteed to fail you. Sigh. This semester is just exhausting. I'm so very excited to be done. And I've been so thoroughly beaten down and ruined by it that I can't bring myself to care if I do poorly (Read: get something in the B+ range for more than one class). I'll still study, of course, and try to do my very best, but heaven knows. I got a 64% on the multiple choice of the Organic Chemistry midterm I took on the last day of classes. Felt like: the most prepared I'd been for an o-chem test all semester. Was: the worst grade I've gotten on an o-chem test this semester by a hefty amount. Frick, that's when the universe just mocks me for thinking I know stuff.
Can I just tell you: I've learned one and only one thing this semester.
I'm stupid.
K, not really. Somewhat said that because I'd really appreciate you contradicting me. But it feels true. I'm so unintelligent.....Blahhhhhhhhhhhhfhkljlkjl;ssaaqwwwww.
Haha, but funny stories from today:
First of all, I'm music co-chair in this ward. Think I've told you this. Anyway. Last week, my other half comes up to tell me that the bishopric has just informed him that we are to put together a Christmas musical program. For today. One week. REally, guys? Ha, so he says, we need musical numbers. I say that I could possibly do something, if necessary. I'm never really asked again about this offer, but my co-chair does ask me to accompany him. I figure that this will suffice for me sharing my talents and don't bother to really look into finding music options for myself.
Welcome to today, ten minutes into sacrament meeting.
Kristen looks at the program:
Special Musical Numbers -
Random guy
Kristen Nicholes
Ward Co-chair
Ha ha Worst surprise ever.
So, I run down to co-chair, and tell him that I'm finding someone to conduct the sacrament hymn and we're asking someone else to play it so that he and I can escape these respective duties in order to practice an impromptu Christmas hymn that he's going to play while I sing.
Two run-throughs of "Oh Come, All Ye Faithful" later, I'm standing in front of my entire congregation shaking like an umbrella in a hurricane and singing a song that I did not know I would be singing ten minutes prior.
It was not particularly good. But could have been worse. And Grant told me I did a good job, so...life will go on.
Also, I just returned from playing the Ty song (lyrics I sent to you, if you'd forgotten) to Ty himself. Hahahahahahaha. HILARIOUS. He was actually surprisingly non-awkward about it. To be fair, I pretended to forget the lyrics for the part that originally said "sack up and take me out" but otherwise I genuinely sang the whole thing. And nobody died. Bahaha.
Welcome to finals Sunday!!
I'm going to sum that up for you in one word.
Resigned.
(Be prepared for me to totally break that one word promise below.)
Also, finals: I'm terrified. That unfortunate version of terrified that paralyzes you from putting forth a solid effort because the very idea is frightening, even though you realize that said paralysis is guaranteed to fail you. Sigh. This semester is just exhausting. I'm so very excited to be done. And I've been so thoroughly beaten down and ruined by it that I can't bring myself to care if I do poorly (Read: get something in the B+ range for more than one class). I'll still study, of course, and try to do my very best, but heaven knows. I got a 64% on the multiple choice of the Organic Chemistry midterm I took on the last day of classes. Felt like: the most prepared I'd been for an o-chem test all semester. Was: the worst grade I've gotten on an o-chem test this semester by a hefty amount. Frick, that's when the universe just mocks me for thinking I know stuff.
Can I just tell you: I've learned one and only one thing this semester.
I'm stupid.
K, not really. Somewhat said that because I'd really appreciate you contradicting me. But it feels true. I'm so unintelligent.....Blahhhhhhhhhhhhfhkljlkjl;ssaaqwwwww.
Haha, but funny stories from today:
First of all, I'm music co-chair in this ward. Think I've told you this. Anyway. Last week, my other half comes up to tell me that the bishopric has just informed him that we are to put together a Christmas musical program. For today. One week. REally, guys? Ha, so he says, we need musical numbers. I say that I could possibly do something, if necessary. I'm never really asked again about this offer, but my co-chair does ask me to accompany him. I figure that this will suffice for me sharing my talents and don't bother to really look into finding music options for myself.
Welcome to today, ten minutes into sacrament meeting.
Kristen looks at the program:
Special Musical Numbers -
Random guy
Kristen Nicholes
Ward Co-chair
Ha ha Worst surprise ever.
So, I run down to co-chair, and tell him that I'm finding someone to conduct the sacrament hymn and we're asking someone else to play it so that he and I can escape these respective duties in order to practice an impromptu Christmas hymn that he's going to play while I sing.
Two run-throughs of "Oh Come, All Ye Faithful" later, I'm standing in front of my entire congregation shaking like an umbrella in a hurricane and singing a song that I did not know I would be singing ten minutes prior.
It was not particularly good. But could have been worse. And Grant told me I did a good job, so...life will go on.
Also, I just returned from playing the Ty song (lyrics I sent to you, if you'd forgotten) to Ty himself. Hahahahahahaha. HILARIOUS. He was actually surprisingly non-awkward about it. To be fair, I pretended to forget the lyrics for the part that originally said "sack up and take me out" but otherwise I genuinely sang the whole thing. And nobody died. Bahaha.
Timing. Boo.
(December 5, 2011)
Alright, this has to be relatively fast, because I've a butt load to do tomorrow and I really didn't leave myself enough time for anything. Snarl.
I have a number of funny things to share, as well, and I need encouragement on numerous scores, so I'm really hoping that everything gets in here at some point.
Yeah, Trace... Ha he did in fact end up texting me Tuesday (a full week following our tryst, but who's counting) with epic nonchalance: "oh, la la la, Thanksgiving and stuff and I shall speak to you as if there was never any unfortunate tonsil hockey." I had this awesomely hilarious plan to wait until this Tuesday and text him back, saying, "Oh, Thanksgiving was great, thanks :)" Bahaha. However, thwarted by the fact that I see him regularly. Just as awkward as projected. Totally hilarious and therefore totally bearable.
Yes, intelligent without being completely unbearable is far more rare than I'd like it to be. I've become slightly obsessed with this Grant kid in a few short weeks. I think the biggest deal for me is how badly he actually wants to talk to me. We spent all of Thanksgiving exchanging texts about randomness (I have over five hundred texts between him and me in my phone at present, as a matter of fact) and we had a lot of solid conversations for texts during this time. He came and hung out with me on Monday night, and I was being typical obnoxious, feisty Kristen and he says:
"K, first of all, I know that you're kidding....but honestly, sarcasm like that still smarts, you know that, right? Second of all, I love the attitude, it's funny sometimes, but really, you're so interesting. I just want to get to know you and you make it completely impossible when you're throwing all of that at me all the time."
I don't think you understand, really, what a big deal this was. I've spent the better part of the last four years trying to understand why I could never get close to or really talk to guys with whom I had dalliances. I've talked to my sister countless times about possible causes. And this kid who's spoken to me for a short week over texts alone is able to correctly identify the problem.
This was a big deal.
And I kind of really like him now. Like to a rather significant extent considering the length of everything. Not least because of the fact that he is capital T TALENTED. I guess all-caps talented. Dude, Christian, there's decent singers/writers/what-have-you, and then there are people who are going places. And he is the latter. His band has music you can buy on iTunes, and a major record company is reviewing some of their songs. I am enormously tempted to send you samplings of their music, a delicious lovechild of Killers and Coldplay. I resisted. But. The Brocks. Soooooo good.
I also don't know how to proceed, at this point. I'm getting all second-guess-ish. Sigh. Eye roll. I don't even know. Whatever, at least I have one more piece to the "Kristen's infinite lack of long-term desirability" puzzle, regardless of where this ends up going.
It was interesting, as a side note, when I hung out with him the other night. One of his roommates (Christian, funnily enough) came home, having been broken up with by his girlfriend (gah eighty-five prepositions everywhere) the same hour. It was nuts, Christian. I've never seen, firsthand, just that level of devastation over a girl. Sometimes I think I forget that boys have real feelings. I may have this vague, unformed idea that after such an event, they come home pissed, swearing that she was horrible and not all that attractive and that they can't stand her. Actual gutt-wrenching unhappiness is not something I really think of. It was kind of good to be reminded that boys are more fragile than I think they are, even if that knowledge unfortunately came at the expense of a really great guy.
Other brief things:
Ty has heard about the song. He wants to hear it. Most of the ward has, at this point, and it's kind of hilarious, so if he wants to risk cardiac arrest of awkwardness, I suppose that's his prerogative. Bahahaha.
P.S. I was told today that I have a sexy voice.
This is totally irrelevant, but pleases me, and therefore you have to hear it.
Alright, this has to be relatively fast, because I've a butt load to do tomorrow and I really didn't leave myself enough time for anything. Snarl.
I have a number of funny things to share, as well, and I need encouragement on numerous scores, so I'm really hoping that everything gets in here at some point.
Yeah, Trace... Ha he did in fact end up texting me Tuesday (a full week following our tryst, but who's counting) with epic nonchalance: "oh, la la la, Thanksgiving and stuff and I shall speak to you as if there was never any unfortunate tonsil hockey." I had this awesomely hilarious plan to wait until this Tuesday and text him back, saying, "Oh, Thanksgiving was great, thanks :)" Bahaha. However, thwarted by the fact that I see him regularly. Just as awkward as projected. Totally hilarious and therefore totally bearable.
Yes, intelligent without being completely unbearable is far more rare than I'd like it to be. I've become slightly obsessed with this Grant kid in a few short weeks. I think the biggest deal for me is how badly he actually wants to talk to me. We spent all of Thanksgiving exchanging texts about randomness (I have over five hundred texts between him and me in my phone at present, as a matter of fact) and we had a lot of solid conversations for texts during this time. He came and hung out with me on Monday night, and I was being typical obnoxious, feisty Kristen and he says:
"K, first of all, I know that you're kidding....but honestly, sarcasm like that still smarts, you know that, right? Second of all, I love the attitude, it's funny sometimes, but really, you're so interesting. I just want to get to know you and you make it completely impossible when you're throwing all of that at me all the time."
I don't think you understand, really, what a big deal this was. I've spent the better part of the last four years trying to understand why I could never get close to or really talk to guys with whom I had dalliances. I've talked to my sister countless times about possible causes. And this kid who's spoken to me for a short week over texts alone is able to correctly identify the problem.
This was a big deal.
And I kind of really like him now. Like to a rather significant extent considering the length of everything. Not least because of the fact that he is capital T TALENTED. I guess all-caps talented. Dude, Christian, there's decent singers/writers/what-have-you, and then there are people who are going places. And he is the latter. His band has music you can buy on iTunes, and a major record company is reviewing some of their songs. I am enormously tempted to send you samplings of their music, a delicious lovechild of Killers and Coldplay. I resisted. But. The Brocks. Soooooo good.
I also don't know how to proceed, at this point. I'm getting all second-guess-ish. Sigh. Eye roll. I don't even know. Whatever, at least I have one more piece to the "Kristen's infinite lack of long-term desirability" puzzle, regardless of where this ends up going.
It was interesting, as a side note, when I hung out with him the other night. One of his roommates (Christian, funnily enough) came home, having been broken up with by his girlfriend (gah eighty-five prepositions everywhere) the same hour. It was nuts, Christian. I've never seen, firsthand, just that level of devastation over a girl. Sometimes I think I forget that boys have real feelings. I may have this vague, unformed idea that after such an event, they come home pissed, swearing that she was horrible and not all that attractive and that they can't stand her. Actual gutt-wrenching unhappiness is not something I really think of. It was kind of good to be reminded that boys are more fragile than I think they are, even if that knowledge unfortunately came at the expense of a really great guy.
Other brief things:
Ty has heard about the song. He wants to hear it. Most of the ward has, at this point, and it's kind of hilarious, so if he wants to risk cardiac arrest of awkwardness, I suppose that's his prerogative. Bahahaha.
P.S. I was told today that I have a sexy voice.
This is totally irrelevant, but pleases me, and therefore you have to hear it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)