(February 19,2012)
My life is incredibly lovely. Just for the record. It's going to suck tomorrow, when I do pretty much all the homework for this weekend that I've put off (it's Presidents' Day, information which I'm fairly certain needs to be brought to your attention, as you forgot about Valentine's Day) and I have a Tau Beta Pi report due Tuesday. Haha. Oh, crap, and I need to call Provo power and get our bill transferred to my name.
Procrastination is my enemy. I don't know how many times I will have to tell myself that before I will listen all of the time.
Last of all, reading your analysis of the facebook comments made me realize, for the first time, that you might come back and find me really, really different. I know I've been changing, and I know you read a butt-load of my thoughts every single week, and I have no doubt that you've noticed at least some minute differences, but I realized that there's a lot of my personal interaction quirks that have changed that have no way of making their way to you over in Norway :) I think that you still know me well enough that you're right on most counts - notably, that I kind of subconsciously expect most guys to only be attracted to me, if they want me at all. But I think I'm a lot cockier about my attractiveness than I was when you left. No, I'm like, 99.9% sure I'm much cockier about boys wanting me than I used to be. Which I've mentioned, of course, but I don't know that you'll ever really get to see the effects of that. I kind of just realized this because you disagreed with the "everyone at the table" comment, which, hilariously enough, is the statement I considered closest to the truth.
I'm about to briefly showcase that arrogance, so you can sort of see what I mean. See, Christian, in college, I've discovered that if I'm the only girl with a group of guys, I can, with very little effort, control the conversation. I can talk to, and quite frankly, flirt with an entire room at a time, if they're receptive. I'm not saying that they all go home totally in love. I'm not even saying that at any point all, most, half, or even any of them will be genuinely interested. But I can give everyone just enough floor time and just enough direct attention that it's kind of like having seven different conversations at once, and it's fascinating. And I enjoy it to a somewhat disgusting extent. To be fair, if there's any other girls present, particularly outgoing and better looking ones than me (not difficult in Provo [actually, that describes almost all of my friends anywhere at any given time]), they have no difficulty upstaging me and I cheerfully cede that right to them. I almost never pull focus with groups of girls, and I'm really okay with that. I just enjoy the attention when it's me and guys :)
It will be interesting to see what you think in general when you return. Although that particular thing is something you'll probably never witness, as it requires a group of boys we didn't go to high school with, and I can't see us in a situation involving a room filled with boys that don't fit into that designation.
Alright, now, I should close, but I really want to tell you about this week. I was weird this week. Like easily bothered. And a kid called me a bitch. Be excited for the stories.
I was talking to this kid that I barely know on facebook chat. He's told me before that he thinks that girls should give ALL guys at least three dates. Seriously. Regardless of whether or not she's attracted to him, regardless of anything at all she feels about him - three dates. Which is a little crazy, but whatever, I suppose, until I was talking to him the other night. He begins to whinge about the fact that he, and I quote, "can't get any play." He proceeds to say that girls ignore him and shut him down constantly. I mildly suggest that sometimes, the culprit for that can be asking out girls of just one type, and perhaps he should consider branching out.
"Oh, if you're suggesting that I ask out girls that I don't find attractive, that is not happening."
Yeah.
So I might have spewed some nasty vitriol for all I was worth over facebook chat.
Because that's among the most repugnant of double standards that I've ever had the misfortune of hearing. It got better when he said that President Packer said you should date a girl who's attractive over one who's spiritual, because the latter has the possibility of improvement, and the former does not. It got better still when he whipped out a chip the size of Everest on his shoulder about how he's the greatest, smartest, most athletic, most musically talented guy in the whole world, and that he works so much harder on being a good person than any guy ever has, so obviously girls should want him.
It was about when I told him that he could change all he wanted, but if he didn't change his paradigm, he wouldn't get any girls, that he started getting really angry.
I might have called him an asshole. So it wasn't totally unwarranted. But I will never appreciate being called a bitch.
I think the last time that happened was in ninth grade, when I called Tanner Hanks a perv for trying to get me to send him a picture of me in a bikini. That was his retort.
I really don't know what came over me. I apologized profusely to this kid the next day, saying that I didn't know him and that I shouldn't have come down on him so hard, and he accepted, but I feel kind of hideous that I still stand by my feelings - that kid is going to continue to fail in dating if he continues to do it that way.
Ha. So, basically, I was a really bad person this week and felt like crap about that. I also might have been rather unnecessarily snappy to Spencer when he called me a skank (jokingly, but I didn't read it that way).
It was good, because a lot of the time, I think of "treating others kindly and as I would like to be treated or better" as one of those areas that can be left alone in favor of other, more significant personality flaws, but this was a somewhat unpleasant reminder that I'm perfect in no direction :P Hahaha oh, and I don't remember the last time I legitimately lost my temper with someone.
So that was just great.
P.S. I gave a musical number in my parents' ward today, and people were really really nice about it. I just played a Chopin nocturne, but it made me incredibly happy. That is all.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Valentine's Day, Part Two
(February 13, 2012)
Also, I shouldn't keep going, because that email is already longer than usual, no mean feat. But I had the following facebook chat with someone who took me on a date and wish to know to what extent you concur. The following are all statements he made.
You put off this "I can't be caught" vibe, but you talk as if you throw yourself around a bit behind the scenes.
But kissing boys is not what I mean. You put off the vibe of "oh sure, if you're hot and you're a tool, maybe you can make out with me, but no one can REALLY have me."
I got that vibe from you the first time I ever spent any time around you, that being at the Tau Beta Pi initiation dinner, and we didn't even talk.
You're attractive, and not the type that goes unnoticed. You have a knack for having the attention turn to you in a crowd...probably caused by a mix of you wanting the attention and other people wanting yours.
You never got too involved in a conversation with any guy at the table, no matter how hard they were trying to be funny and impress you, but you still laughed at the jokes and played along.
It's really throwing me off. I can think of almost no experiences where I have come away from a first date just as confused about what I thought of someone. I generally decide whether or not I'm interested in one date. One interaction, even. When you know, you know, right? I guess not...
[First, he proceeds to extol my virtues kindly, and then]
But you also strike me in a lot of ways as the antithesis of girls I'm generally interested in. Playing easy to get physically but not otherwise, perhaps a bit too aware of how wanted you are, easygoing to the point of wanting to prove you're a little "bad."
So, none of this is me bragging, I swear. I'm just really intrigued at this kid's take, and wish to know your opinion of some or all of the above - both the fact that he said them so baldly and whether you agree.
Yes, this is all about me.
Sorry.
Also, I shouldn't keep going, because that email is already longer than usual, no mean feat. But I had the following facebook chat with someone who took me on a date and wish to know to what extent you concur. The following are all statements he made.
You put off this "I can't be caught" vibe, but you talk as if you throw yourself around a bit behind the scenes.
But kissing boys is not what I mean. You put off the vibe of "oh sure, if you're hot and you're a tool, maybe you can make out with me, but no one can REALLY have me."
I got that vibe from you the first time I ever spent any time around you, that being at the Tau Beta Pi initiation dinner, and we didn't even talk.
You're attractive, and not the type that goes unnoticed. You have a knack for having the attention turn to you in a crowd...probably caused by a mix of you wanting the attention and other people wanting yours.
You never got too involved in a conversation with any guy at the table, no matter how hard they were trying to be funny and impress you, but you still laughed at the jokes and played along.
It's really throwing me off. I can think of almost no experiences where I have come away from a first date just as confused about what I thought of someone. I generally decide whether or not I'm interested in one date. One interaction, even. When you know, you know, right? I guess not...
[First, he proceeds to extol my virtues kindly, and then]
But you also strike me in a lot of ways as the antithesis of girls I'm generally interested in. Playing easy to get physically but not otherwise, perhaps a bit too aware of how wanted you are, easygoing to the point of wanting to prove you're a little "bad."
So, none of this is me bragging, I swear. I'm just really intrigued at this kid's take, and wish to know your opinion of some or all of the above - both the fact that he said them so baldly and whether you agree.
Yes, this is all about me.
Sorry.
Valentine's Day approaches!! Hearts are everywhere!!
(February 13, 2012)
Oh, what a lovely evening. I definitely slept a lot today, but given that I was awake until five AM two nights ago and three AM last night, I feel justified. I'm kind of nervous about tomorrow - I have a test in Heat and Mass Transfer, which could either be ugly or surprisingly okay, and then I have a fifteen minute presentation I'm giving on some of my brother's research. I haven't rehearsed the latter and I've barely studied for the former. I've justified my seriously weak studying thus far because it's open book, notes, homework, what have you, but somehow that's only making me more nervous. Bahaha.
Alright, that's boring.
So, uh, Courtney's setting KAITLIN up with Spencer this weekend.
Ba
Ha
Ha
Ha
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
I confess that when Kaitlin texted me, telling me that she'd noticed that Spencer and I were friends and what should she think of him, I called her and told her way too much. Like pretty much everything's that's happened with Spencer and I. All the same, I see them getting along quite well and I know for a fact she'll enjoy herself, because he's a great guy. I also feel like if it weren't for the fact that Kaitlin will undoubtedly NOT consider Spencer as a serious candidate since I told her about all of our history (I was nice, I'm just saying that I don't see Kaitlin feeling comfortable dating him under the circumstances), they would do quite well together. Kaitlin lacks several major deficiencies I possessed that prevented the Spencer/Me thing, primary among them the fact that she is sensitive where I am not, and enormously selfless where I am not. I see that working.
And one of the awesomest quotes ever, to begin your week:
"There is one responsibility which no man can evade; that responsibility is his personal influence. Man's unconscious influence is the silent, subtle radiation of personality - the effect of his words and his actions on others. THis radiation is tremendous. Every moment of life man is changing, to a degree, the life of the whole world.
Every man has an atmosphere which is affecting every other man. He cannot escape for one moment from this radiation of his character, this constant weakening or strengthening of others. Man cannot evade the responsibility by merely saying it is an unconscious influence.
Man can select the qualities he would permit to be radiated. He can cultivate sweetness, calmness, trust, generosity, truth, justice, loyalty, nobility, and make them vitally active in his character. And by these qualities he will constantly affect the world.
This radiation to which I refer comes from what a person really is, not from what he pretends to be. Every man by his mere living is radiating either sympathy, sorrow, morbidness, cynicism, or happiness and hope or any one of a hundred other qualities. Life is a state of radiation and absorption. To exist is to radiate, to exist is to be the recipient of radiation."
-David O. McKay
Oh, what a lovely evening. I definitely slept a lot today, but given that I was awake until five AM two nights ago and three AM last night, I feel justified. I'm kind of nervous about tomorrow - I have a test in Heat and Mass Transfer, which could either be ugly or surprisingly okay, and then I have a fifteen minute presentation I'm giving on some of my brother's research. I haven't rehearsed the latter and I've barely studied for the former. I've justified my seriously weak studying thus far because it's open book, notes, homework, what have you, but somehow that's only making me more nervous. Bahaha.
Alright, that's boring.
So, uh, Courtney's setting KAITLIN up with Spencer this weekend.
Ba
Ha
Ha
Ha
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
I confess that when Kaitlin texted me, telling me that she'd noticed that Spencer and I were friends and what should she think of him, I called her and told her way too much. Like pretty much everything's that's happened with Spencer and I. All the same, I see them getting along quite well and I know for a fact she'll enjoy herself, because he's a great guy. I also feel like if it weren't for the fact that Kaitlin will undoubtedly NOT consider Spencer as a serious candidate since I told her about all of our history (I was nice, I'm just saying that I don't see Kaitlin feeling comfortable dating him under the circumstances), they would do quite well together. Kaitlin lacks several major deficiencies I possessed that prevented the Spencer/Me thing, primary among them the fact that she is sensitive where I am not, and enormously selfless where I am not. I see that working.
And one of the awesomest quotes ever, to begin your week:
"There is one responsibility which no man can evade; that responsibility is his personal influence. Man's unconscious influence is the silent, subtle radiation of personality - the effect of his words and his actions on others. THis radiation is tremendous. Every moment of life man is changing, to a degree, the life of the whole world.
Every man has an atmosphere which is affecting every other man. He cannot escape for one moment from this radiation of his character, this constant weakening or strengthening of others. Man cannot evade the responsibility by merely saying it is an unconscious influence.
Man can select the qualities he would permit to be radiated. He can cultivate sweetness, calmness, trust, generosity, truth, justice, loyalty, nobility, and make them vitally active in his character. And by these qualities he will constantly affect the world.
This radiation to which I refer comes from what a person really is, not from what he pretends to be. Every man by his mere living is radiating either sympathy, sorrow, morbidness, cynicism, or happiness and hope or any one of a hundred other qualities. Life is a state of radiation and absorption. To exist is to radiate, to exist is to be the recipient of radiation."
-David O. McKay
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