(March 12, 2012)
ON to the comp drama, which was, as promised, thrillingly dramatic :)
Here's the thing that I think people (including myself to a significant degree)
occasionally forget: Dating. Is. Crappy. It just kind of is, on a lot
of fronts. This is not to say it isn't glorious when it works out. It
is the best example of something in which in an ideal world, you really
are only supposed to succeed ONCE. It's rough out there, full of
rejection and losing at every point in the game. You don't get what you
want, or you get too much of what you want and are forced into nasty,
unhappy decisions between great human beings. It's hard for most
people, to some degree or another, because it's never entirely within
your control. The best thing to be done with dating is to realize that
you can learn and grow from what makes you unhappy, and that God has
every intention that you do so.
Thought I remembered upon reading this story:
My mission prep teacher
made a healthy argument for dating people that you don't definitely see
yourself marrying; in his words:
"I'm always intrigued by those who feel the need to pray about whether they should date someone.
For heaven's sake - unless they can't take you to the temple, there's
really no reason not to just give it a go. You need those relationships
to make key, stupid mistakes. And if you don't have relationships with
expendables [haha a somewhat unfortunate usage he intended to mean
"people you're NOT going to spend eternity with"] you're saving those
mistakes for the unexpendables, the people you can't and shouldn't lose
hold of. Does that sound ideal? NO!"
Companion, right. I'm sure you didn't actually intend for me to hop my
Clydesdale in quite so significant a fashion when you sent me this, so
my apologies. I just have a lot of feelings, which I invariable decide
MUST be shared.
Also, people are dumb when they assume that losing one great person
means they've lost them all. The way this world teems with people
dripping with hilarity, beauty, intelligence, wit, fun, and
personability is nothing short of ridiculous. You start looking for it
and begin to get freaked out by just how many people are straight up
incredible. In my opinion. Corollary: it's easy, but false to assume
that being alone equates to being unhappy, because unless you live in
solitary confinement, you are not alone. People should never discount
the happiness that is part and parcel with friendship, great hobbies,
and generally just living your life contentedly.
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Sunday, May 6, 2012
In which boys are stupid
(March 5, 2012)
I begin to feel that my email subject lines are like Friends episode titles. "The one with five steaks and an eggplant." "The one with All the haste." "The one with all the kissing." (Yeah, that could legitimately be one of my email subject lines. Well, not for a month or two now, I guess...) And no, I totally didn't just go to Wikipedia to look up the most random and/or entertaining Friends titles I could quickly find. That would be lame.
I have a lot to share. Be excited.
Dang, I'm starting this super late.
Crap.
Yeah, I think a lot of people aren't aware of how religious I am. I wish that were less a conscious decision, but I feel like people tend to stay away from you if they expect judgment regarding their weaknesses or hobbies or lifestyles. Although it would perhaps be better to let my light shine in a different way, I prefer to be someone from whom people don't fear judgment, and therefore I absolutely try not to seem overly hardline on the religion front.
Which is probably kind of a bad thing.
But whatever.
Oo, do tell me why I would not get along with this comp? I feel like this could be entertaining.
[My mother is under the impression that I find a sort of sick satisfaction in clashing with boys when I think I can win. She might be right.]
I have a lot to share. Be excited.
Dang, I'm starting this super late.
Crap.
Yeah, I think a lot of people aren't aware of how religious I am. I wish that were less a conscious decision, but I feel like people tend to stay away from you if they expect judgment regarding their weaknesses or hobbies or lifestyles. Although it would perhaps be better to let my light shine in a different way, I prefer to be someone from whom people don't fear judgment, and therefore I absolutely try not to seem overly hardline on the religion front.
Which is probably kind of a bad thing.
But whatever.
Oo, do tell me why I would not get along with this comp? I feel like this could be entertaining.
[My mother is under the impression that I find a sort of sick satisfaction in clashing with boys when I think I can win. She might be right.]
Thursday, April 19, 2012
I'm weirdly magnetic of late
(February 19,2012)
My life is incredibly lovely. Just for the record. It's going to suck tomorrow, when I do pretty much all the homework for this weekend that I've put off (it's Presidents' Day, information which I'm fairly certain needs to be brought to your attention, as you forgot about Valentine's Day) and I have a Tau Beta Pi report due Tuesday. Haha. Oh, crap, and I need to call Provo power and get our bill transferred to my name.
Procrastination is my enemy. I don't know how many times I will have to tell myself that before I will listen all of the time.
Last of all, reading your analysis of the facebook comments made me realize, for the first time, that you might come back and find me really, really different. I know I've been changing, and I know you read a butt-load of my thoughts every single week, and I have no doubt that you've noticed at least some minute differences, but I realized that there's a lot of my personal interaction quirks that have changed that have no way of making their way to you over in Norway :) I think that you still know me well enough that you're right on most counts - notably, that I kind of subconsciously expect most guys to only be attracted to me, if they want me at all. But I think I'm a lot cockier about my attractiveness than I was when you left. No, I'm like, 99.9% sure I'm much cockier about boys wanting me than I used to be. Which I've mentioned, of course, but I don't know that you'll ever really get to see the effects of that. I kind of just realized this because you disagreed with the "everyone at the table" comment, which, hilariously enough, is the statement I considered closest to the truth.
I'm about to briefly showcase that arrogance, so you can sort of see what I mean. See, Christian, in college, I've discovered that if I'm the only girl with a group of guys, I can, with very little effort, control the conversation. I can talk to, and quite frankly, flirt with an entire room at a time, if they're receptive. I'm not saying that they all go home totally in love. I'm not even saying that at any point all, most, half, or even any of them will be genuinely interested. But I can give everyone just enough floor time and just enough direct attention that it's kind of like having seven different conversations at once, and it's fascinating. And I enjoy it to a somewhat disgusting extent. To be fair, if there's any other girls present, particularly outgoing and better looking ones than me (not difficult in Provo [actually, that describes almost all of my friends anywhere at any given time]), they have no difficulty upstaging me and I cheerfully cede that right to them. I almost never pull focus with groups of girls, and I'm really okay with that. I just enjoy the attention when it's me and guys :)
It will be interesting to see what you think in general when you return. Although that particular thing is something you'll probably never witness, as it requires a group of boys we didn't go to high school with, and I can't see us in a situation involving a room filled with boys that don't fit into that designation.
Alright, now, I should close, but I really want to tell you about this week. I was weird this week. Like easily bothered. And a kid called me a bitch. Be excited for the stories.
I was talking to this kid that I barely know on facebook chat. He's told me before that he thinks that girls should give ALL guys at least three dates. Seriously. Regardless of whether or not she's attracted to him, regardless of anything at all she feels about him - three dates. Which is a little crazy, but whatever, I suppose, until I was talking to him the other night. He begins to whinge about the fact that he, and I quote, "can't get any play." He proceeds to say that girls ignore him and shut him down constantly. I mildly suggest that sometimes, the culprit for that can be asking out girls of just one type, and perhaps he should consider branching out.
"Oh, if you're suggesting that I ask out girls that I don't find attractive, that is not happening."
Yeah.
So I might have spewed some nasty vitriol for all I was worth over facebook chat.
Because that's among the most repugnant of double standards that I've ever had the misfortune of hearing. It got better when he said that President Packer said you should date a girl who's attractive over one who's spiritual, because the latter has the possibility of improvement, and the former does not. It got better still when he whipped out a chip the size of Everest on his shoulder about how he's the greatest, smartest, most athletic, most musically talented guy in the whole world, and that he works so much harder on being a good person than any guy ever has, so obviously girls should want him.
It was about when I told him that he could change all he wanted, but if he didn't change his paradigm, he wouldn't get any girls, that he started getting really angry.
I might have called him an asshole. So it wasn't totally unwarranted. But I will never appreciate being called a bitch.
I think the last time that happened was in ninth grade, when I called Tanner Hanks a perv for trying to get me to send him a picture of me in a bikini. That was his retort.
I really don't know what came over me. I apologized profusely to this kid the next day, saying that I didn't know him and that I shouldn't have come down on him so hard, and he accepted, but I feel kind of hideous that I still stand by my feelings - that kid is going to continue to fail in dating if he continues to do it that way.
Ha. So, basically, I was a really bad person this week and felt like crap about that. I also might have been rather unnecessarily snappy to Spencer when he called me a skank (jokingly, but I didn't read it that way).
It was good, because a lot of the time, I think of "treating others kindly and as I would like to be treated or better" as one of those areas that can be left alone in favor of other, more significant personality flaws, but this was a somewhat unpleasant reminder that I'm perfect in no direction :P Hahaha oh, and I don't remember the last time I legitimately lost my temper with someone.
So that was just great.
P.S. I gave a musical number in my parents' ward today, and people were really really nice about it. I just played a Chopin nocturne, but it made me incredibly happy. That is all.
My life is incredibly lovely. Just for the record. It's going to suck tomorrow, when I do pretty much all the homework for this weekend that I've put off (it's Presidents' Day, information which I'm fairly certain needs to be brought to your attention, as you forgot about Valentine's Day) and I have a Tau Beta Pi report due Tuesday. Haha. Oh, crap, and I need to call Provo power and get our bill transferred to my name.
Procrastination is my enemy. I don't know how many times I will have to tell myself that before I will listen all of the time.
Last of all, reading your analysis of the facebook comments made me realize, for the first time, that you might come back and find me really, really different. I know I've been changing, and I know you read a butt-load of my thoughts every single week, and I have no doubt that you've noticed at least some minute differences, but I realized that there's a lot of my personal interaction quirks that have changed that have no way of making their way to you over in Norway :) I think that you still know me well enough that you're right on most counts - notably, that I kind of subconsciously expect most guys to only be attracted to me, if they want me at all. But I think I'm a lot cockier about my attractiveness than I was when you left. No, I'm like, 99.9% sure I'm much cockier about boys wanting me than I used to be. Which I've mentioned, of course, but I don't know that you'll ever really get to see the effects of that. I kind of just realized this because you disagreed with the "everyone at the table" comment, which, hilariously enough, is the statement I considered closest to the truth.
I'm about to briefly showcase that arrogance, so you can sort of see what I mean. See, Christian, in college, I've discovered that if I'm the only girl with a group of guys, I can, with very little effort, control the conversation. I can talk to, and quite frankly, flirt with an entire room at a time, if they're receptive. I'm not saying that they all go home totally in love. I'm not even saying that at any point all, most, half, or even any of them will be genuinely interested. But I can give everyone just enough floor time and just enough direct attention that it's kind of like having seven different conversations at once, and it's fascinating. And I enjoy it to a somewhat disgusting extent. To be fair, if there's any other girls present, particularly outgoing and better looking ones than me (not difficult in Provo [actually, that describes almost all of my friends anywhere at any given time]), they have no difficulty upstaging me and I cheerfully cede that right to them. I almost never pull focus with groups of girls, and I'm really okay with that. I just enjoy the attention when it's me and guys :)
It will be interesting to see what you think in general when you return. Although that particular thing is something you'll probably never witness, as it requires a group of boys we didn't go to high school with, and I can't see us in a situation involving a room filled with boys that don't fit into that designation.
Alright, now, I should close, but I really want to tell you about this week. I was weird this week. Like easily bothered. And a kid called me a bitch. Be excited for the stories.
I was talking to this kid that I barely know on facebook chat. He's told me before that he thinks that girls should give ALL guys at least three dates. Seriously. Regardless of whether or not she's attracted to him, regardless of anything at all she feels about him - three dates. Which is a little crazy, but whatever, I suppose, until I was talking to him the other night. He begins to whinge about the fact that he, and I quote, "can't get any play." He proceeds to say that girls ignore him and shut him down constantly. I mildly suggest that sometimes, the culprit for that can be asking out girls of just one type, and perhaps he should consider branching out.
"Oh, if you're suggesting that I ask out girls that I don't find attractive, that is not happening."
Yeah.
So I might have spewed some nasty vitriol for all I was worth over facebook chat.
Because that's among the most repugnant of double standards that I've ever had the misfortune of hearing. It got better when he said that President Packer said you should date a girl who's attractive over one who's spiritual, because the latter has the possibility of improvement, and the former does not. It got better still when he whipped out a chip the size of Everest on his shoulder about how he's the greatest, smartest, most athletic, most musically talented guy in the whole world, and that he works so much harder on being a good person than any guy ever has, so obviously girls should want him.
It was about when I told him that he could change all he wanted, but if he didn't change his paradigm, he wouldn't get any girls, that he started getting really angry.
I might have called him an asshole. So it wasn't totally unwarranted. But I will never appreciate being called a bitch.
I think the last time that happened was in ninth grade, when I called Tanner Hanks a perv for trying to get me to send him a picture of me in a bikini. That was his retort.
I really don't know what came over me. I apologized profusely to this kid the next day, saying that I didn't know him and that I shouldn't have come down on him so hard, and he accepted, but I feel kind of hideous that I still stand by my feelings - that kid is going to continue to fail in dating if he continues to do it that way.
Ha. So, basically, I was a really bad person this week and felt like crap about that. I also might have been rather unnecessarily snappy to Spencer when he called me a skank (jokingly, but I didn't read it that way).
It was good, because a lot of the time, I think of "treating others kindly and as I would like to be treated or better" as one of those areas that can be left alone in favor of other, more significant personality flaws, but this was a somewhat unpleasant reminder that I'm perfect in no direction :P Hahaha oh, and I don't remember the last time I legitimately lost my temper with someone.
So that was just great.
P.S. I gave a musical number in my parents' ward today, and people were really really nice about it. I just played a Chopin nocturne, but it made me incredibly happy. That is all.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Valentine's Day, Part Two
(February 13, 2012)
Also, I shouldn't keep going, because that email is already longer than usual, no mean feat. But I had the following facebook chat with someone who took me on a date and wish to know to what extent you concur. The following are all statements he made.
You put off this "I can't be caught" vibe, but you talk as if you throw yourself around a bit behind the scenes.
But kissing boys is not what I mean. You put off the vibe of "oh sure, if you're hot and you're a tool, maybe you can make out with me, but no one can REALLY have me."
I got that vibe from you the first time I ever spent any time around you, that being at the Tau Beta Pi initiation dinner, and we didn't even talk.
You're attractive, and not the type that goes unnoticed. You have a knack for having the attention turn to you in a crowd...probably caused by a mix of you wanting the attention and other people wanting yours.
You never got too involved in a conversation with any guy at the table, no matter how hard they were trying to be funny and impress you, but you still laughed at the jokes and played along.
It's really throwing me off. I can think of almost no experiences where I have come away from a first date just as confused about what I thought of someone. I generally decide whether or not I'm interested in one date. One interaction, even. When you know, you know, right? I guess not...
[First, he proceeds to extol my virtues kindly, and then]
But you also strike me in a lot of ways as the antithesis of girls I'm generally interested in. Playing easy to get physically but not otherwise, perhaps a bit too aware of how wanted you are, easygoing to the point of wanting to prove you're a little "bad."
So, none of this is me bragging, I swear. I'm just really intrigued at this kid's take, and wish to know your opinion of some or all of the above - both the fact that he said them so baldly and whether you agree.
Yes, this is all about me.
Sorry.
Also, I shouldn't keep going, because that email is already longer than usual, no mean feat. But I had the following facebook chat with someone who took me on a date and wish to know to what extent you concur. The following are all statements he made.
You put off this "I can't be caught" vibe, but you talk as if you throw yourself around a bit behind the scenes.
But kissing boys is not what I mean. You put off the vibe of "oh sure, if you're hot and you're a tool, maybe you can make out with me, but no one can REALLY have me."
I got that vibe from you the first time I ever spent any time around you, that being at the Tau Beta Pi initiation dinner, and we didn't even talk.
You're attractive, and not the type that goes unnoticed. You have a knack for having the attention turn to you in a crowd...probably caused by a mix of you wanting the attention and other people wanting yours.
You never got too involved in a conversation with any guy at the table, no matter how hard they were trying to be funny and impress you, but you still laughed at the jokes and played along.
It's really throwing me off. I can think of almost no experiences where I have come away from a first date just as confused about what I thought of someone. I generally decide whether or not I'm interested in one date. One interaction, even. When you know, you know, right? I guess not...
[First, he proceeds to extol my virtues kindly, and then]
But you also strike me in a lot of ways as the antithesis of girls I'm generally interested in. Playing easy to get physically but not otherwise, perhaps a bit too aware of how wanted you are, easygoing to the point of wanting to prove you're a little "bad."
So, none of this is me bragging, I swear. I'm just really intrigued at this kid's take, and wish to know your opinion of some or all of the above - both the fact that he said them so baldly and whether you agree.
Yes, this is all about me.
Sorry.
Valentine's Day approaches!! Hearts are everywhere!!
(February 13, 2012)
Oh, what a lovely evening. I definitely slept a lot today, but given that I was awake until five AM two nights ago and three AM last night, I feel justified. I'm kind of nervous about tomorrow - I have a test in Heat and Mass Transfer, which could either be ugly or surprisingly okay, and then I have a fifteen minute presentation I'm giving on some of my brother's research. I haven't rehearsed the latter and I've barely studied for the former. I've justified my seriously weak studying thus far because it's open book, notes, homework, what have you, but somehow that's only making me more nervous. Bahaha.
Alright, that's boring.
So, uh, Courtney's setting KAITLIN up with Spencer this weekend.
Ba
Ha
Ha
Ha
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
I confess that when Kaitlin texted me, telling me that she'd noticed that Spencer and I were friends and what should she think of him, I called her and told her way too much. Like pretty much everything's that's happened with Spencer and I. All the same, I see them getting along quite well and I know for a fact she'll enjoy herself, because he's a great guy. I also feel like if it weren't for the fact that Kaitlin will undoubtedly NOT consider Spencer as a serious candidate since I told her about all of our history (I was nice, I'm just saying that I don't see Kaitlin feeling comfortable dating him under the circumstances), they would do quite well together. Kaitlin lacks several major deficiencies I possessed that prevented the Spencer/Me thing, primary among them the fact that she is sensitive where I am not, and enormously selfless where I am not. I see that working.
And one of the awesomest quotes ever, to begin your week:
"There is one responsibility which no man can evade; that responsibility is his personal influence. Man's unconscious influence is the silent, subtle radiation of personality - the effect of his words and his actions on others. THis radiation is tremendous. Every moment of life man is changing, to a degree, the life of the whole world.
Every man has an atmosphere which is affecting every other man. He cannot escape for one moment from this radiation of his character, this constant weakening or strengthening of others. Man cannot evade the responsibility by merely saying it is an unconscious influence.
Man can select the qualities he would permit to be radiated. He can cultivate sweetness, calmness, trust, generosity, truth, justice, loyalty, nobility, and make them vitally active in his character. And by these qualities he will constantly affect the world.
This radiation to which I refer comes from what a person really is, not from what he pretends to be. Every man by his mere living is radiating either sympathy, sorrow, morbidness, cynicism, or happiness and hope or any one of a hundred other qualities. Life is a state of radiation and absorption. To exist is to radiate, to exist is to be the recipient of radiation."
-David O. McKay
Oh, what a lovely evening. I definitely slept a lot today, but given that I was awake until five AM two nights ago and three AM last night, I feel justified. I'm kind of nervous about tomorrow - I have a test in Heat and Mass Transfer, which could either be ugly or surprisingly okay, and then I have a fifteen minute presentation I'm giving on some of my brother's research. I haven't rehearsed the latter and I've barely studied for the former. I've justified my seriously weak studying thus far because it's open book, notes, homework, what have you, but somehow that's only making me more nervous. Bahaha.
Alright, that's boring.
So, uh, Courtney's setting KAITLIN up with Spencer this weekend.
Ba
Ha
Ha
Ha
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
I confess that when Kaitlin texted me, telling me that she'd noticed that Spencer and I were friends and what should she think of him, I called her and told her way too much. Like pretty much everything's that's happened with Spencer and I. All the same, I see them getting along quite well and I know for a fact she'll enjoy herself, because he's a great guy. I also feel like if it weren't for the fact that Kaitlin will undoubtedly NOT consider Spencer as a serious candidate since I told her about all of our history (I was nice, I'm just saying that I don't see Kaitlin feeling comfortable dating him under the circumstances), they would do quite well together. Kaitlin lacks several major deficiencies I possessed that prevented the Spencer/Me thing, primary among them the fact that she is sensitive where I am not, and enormously selfless where I am not. I see that working.
And one of the awesomest quotes ever, to begin your week:
"There is one responsibility which no man can evade; that responsibility is his personal influence. Man's unconscious influence is the silent, subtle radiation of personality - the effect of his words and his actions on others. THis radiation is tremendous. Every moment of life man is changing, to a degree, the life of the whole world.
Every man has an atmosphere which is affecting every other man. He cannot escape for one moment from this radiation of his character, this constant weakening or strengthening of others. Man cannot evade the responsibility by merely saying it is an unconscious influence.
Man can select the qualities he would permit to be radiated. He can cultivate sweetness, calmness, trust, generosity, truth, justice, loyalty, nobility, and make them vitally active in his character. And by these qualities he will constantly affect the world.
This radiation to which I refer comes from what a person really is, not from what he pretends to be. Every man by his mere living is radiating either sympathy, sorrow, morbidness, cynicism, or happiness and hope or any one of a hundred other qualities. Life is a state of radiation and absorption. To exist is to radiate, to exist is to be the recipient of radiation."
-David O. McKay
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Oh, the things I wish to say...
(February 6, 2012)
I have so much that I want to tell you right now, because I'm immensely....grrr. Sigh. Throwing wrenches in my own well-laid plans, frankly. However, they involve boys. I will decide, after replying in general, whether or not I will be noble enough to keep these things to myself.
On, pre-church discussion for the dating panel was marvelous because it was much more about general dating things and vaguely gender-political questions as regards dating, which will undoubtedly fascinate me until I'm married and honestly, probably even after that. I had much to say on the subject and was quite pleased to see my words well-received. Among my wisdom (which yes, I'm totally going to quote here under the almost totally un-ironic heading of "wisdom")
*There is a reason girls shouldn't and don't ask guys out. And it's not because the social construct is biased, it's not because we're lazy, or poor, or anything else. It's that girls halve their chance with a guy (at a generous estimate) when they take away so significant an element of the chase. People want what they can't have. Boys most especially want what they can't have. If I'm going to hand it to someone, I'm more than well aware that I will get it back the second they're bored of making out.
* Mixed messages are way more often a no than a yes. Everyone would be happier if they lived under this understanding. If boys don't want to deal with a girl who plays games, they shouldn't - if she's messing with your mind, get out of there. Stop pursuing her, stop hanging out with her. If she really wants you, the texts and the "haven't seen you in a while ;)" s and so on will begin tout de suite.
Serious.
Alright, fine, I suppose I won't be noble and I am going to subject you to this. You probably should hear about it, if you have a vested interest in that general area. Christian....I'm so confused. It's perplexing to want, with great agony and longing, things I don't think I can have, and then have them taken away from me and not be distressed in the slightest. I don't get myself. At all. And for the first time, I'm really concerned about what this could mean. There have been boys that I thought I cared about, and by all accounts I did - worrying about them and helping them out and even praying for them - only to discover, when they waltzed out of my life, that I was totally fine, if a bit out of sorts for maybe twenty-four hours or so. I've never cried about a boy in my entire life, did you know that? I feel like I've programmed myself not to care about boys romantically. It's strange, because I feel as though I do genuinely care about people in general....but boys....I don't know.
Which is the sort of thing I've been worrying about since an in-depth conversation with close friends made me feel like missing the boat on relationships (you know, actually having them and stuff) is going to be a considerably greater problem than I'd originally assumed.
And then, this week, Grant wanted me to make out with him so badly, and we frankly almost did. And I find myself tangled knowing that that would be a horrible idea and realizing how much it distresses me to miss out on that, but feeling like I don't care about him at all romantically while simultaneously hoping in a very sincere way that he's able to work out the things that are screwed up in his life, that he learns to be happy, and also still being attracted to him.
[Would just like you to know that I thought about somehow editing that painful four or so sentences that I decided to put into the unholy amalgamation you see above, but decided not to once I realized just how strongly it reminded me of Hermione's explanation of Cho's feelings in Order of the Phoenix. To which Ron replies that one person can't feel all that at once. Hope you've got more than the emotional range of a teaspoon...]
I'm just so confused....I thought attraction to and sincere concern and appreciation for another person was all you needed to date someone, and if that was reciprocated, boom. Done. Relationship. It seems so simple. And yet I find myself meeting people that I feel both for and don't want to be with, and likewise meeting people who think similar things about me.
Christian....How does this ever work out...for anyone....
I'm just....meh. I think I'm also just grumpy at wanting something I can't have and telling myself over and over again that it would be a capital H Horrible Idea. Knowing that smart Kristen is right. Knowing that if I had the opportunity, I would totally be flouting her advice.
Ha.
Alright, it's one AM, I need to stop. You're probably going to ignore at least some of that.
But I'm pretty sure I did rather well on my first two tests for my tough classes, so :)
I have so much that I want to tell you right now, because I'm immensely....grrr. Sigh. Throwing wrenches in my own well-laid plans, frankly. However, they involve boys. I will decide, after replying in general, whether or not I will be noble enough to keep these things to myself.
On, pre-church discussion for the dating panel was marvelous because it was much more about general dating things and vaguely gender-political questions as regards dating, which will undoubtedly fascinate me until I'm married and honestly, probably even after that. I had much to say on the subject and was quite pleased to see my words well-received. Among my wisdom (which yes, I'm totally going to quote here under the almost totally un-ironic heading of "wisdom")
*There is a reason girls shouldn't and don't ask guys out. And it's not because the social construct is biased, it's not because we're lazy, or poor, or anything else. It's that girls halve their chance with a guy (at a generous estimate) when they take away so significant an element of the chase. People want what they can't have. Boys most especially want what they can't have. If I'm going to hand it to someone, I'm more than well aware that I will get it back the second they're bored of making out.
* Mixed messages are way more often a no than a yes. Everyone would be happier if they lived under this understanding. If boys don't want to deal with a girl who plays games, they shouldn't - if she's messing with your mind, get out of there. Stop pursuing her, stop hanging out with her. If she really wants you, the texts and the "haven't seen you in a while ;)" s and so on will begin tout de suite.
Serious.
Alright, fine, I suppose I won't be noble and I am going to subject you to this. You probably should hear about it, if you have a vested interest in that general area. Christian....I'm so confused. It's perplexing to want, with great agony and longing, things I don't think I can have, and then have them taken away from me and not be distressed in the slightest. I don't get myself. At all. And for the first time, I'm really concerned about what this could mean. There have been boys that I thought I cared about, and by all accounts I did - worrying about them and helping them out and even praying for them - only to discover, when they waltzed out of my life, that I was totally fine, if a bit out of sorts for maybe twenty-four hours or so. I've never cried about a boy in my entire life, did you know that? I feel like I've programmed myself not to care about boys romantically. It's strange, because I feel as though I do genuinely care about people in general....but boys....I don't know.
Which is the sort of thing I've been worrying about since an in-depth conversation with close friends made me feel like missing the boat on relationships (you know, actually having them and stuff) is going to be a considerably greater problem than I'd originally assumed.
And then, this week, Grant wanted me to make out with him so badly, and we frankly almost did. And I find myself tangled knowing that that would be a horrible idea and realizing how much it distresses me to miss out on that, but feeling like I don't care about him at all romantically while simultaneously hoping in a very sincere way that he's able to work out the things that are screwed up in his life, that he learns to be happy, and also still being attracted to him.
[Would just like you to know that I thought about somehow editing that painful four or so sentences that I decided to put into the unholy amalgamation you see above, but decided not to once I realized just how strongly it reminded me of Hermione's explanation of Cho's feelings in Order of the Phoenix. To which Ron replies that one person can't feel all that at once. Hope you've got more than the emotional range of a teaspoon...]
I'm just so confused....I thought attraction to and sincere concern and appreciation for another person was all you needed to date someone, and if that was reciprocated, boom. Done. Relationship. It seems so simple. And yet I find myself meeting people that I feel both for and don't want to be with, and likewise meeting people who think similar things about me.
Christian....How does this ever work out...for anyone....
I'm just....meh. I think I'm also just grumpy at wanting something I can't have and telling myself over and over again that it would be a capital H Horrible Idea. Knowing that smart Kristen is right. Knowing that if I had the opportunity, I would totally be flouting her advice.
Ha.
Alright, it's one AM, I need to stop. You're probably going to ignore at least some of that.
But I'm pretty sure I did rather well on my first two tests for my tough classes, so :)
My roommate has just informed me that my lotion smells of fruit roll-ups. The things you miss in Norway.
(January 30,2012)
For a change, we'll do random tidbits from my life first and then reply to your emails. Hung out with Spencer again and had a weird convo with him about how it was utterly bizarre to me that I could enjoy hanging out with him and genuinely appreciate him as a person as much as I do and not be remotely distressed at the thought of him dating someone else. Certainly not nearly so distressed as I was at the thought of me not dating anyone else. Dang. The more I see of dating, the more I feel like nothing makes a great deal of sense.
Which is just marvelous, because I got called upon by the bishop to be part of a panel from the ward to discuss dating and relationships for our second and third hour lesson today in church.
Ha. Ha. Ha. At last count, number of people who, upon hearing of this decision, laughed or called into question the sanity of my bishopric: five. Sigh. The bishopric had everybody write down random dating questions, and then assembled a group of seven or eight of us to talk about it before church today to assure, as much as possible, that the lesson wouldn't devolve into a battle of the sexes. Pre-church discussion was actually quite marvelous. Great thoughts were shared, and I took up way more than my share of the floor. This, however, did not translate to church discussion.
Oh, such a painful two hours of church we all endured today....Everyone had something to say. Everyone took a good five minutes to share their thoughts. BLAAAAH. It was death. Someone afterwards suggested that the panel should have done all the talking. While that idea has many deficiencies (among them that I would for all intents and purposes be an abysmally non-representative mouthpiece for girls in the ward), it certainly would have saved us listening to eighty million sob stories of getting turned down and positively painful discussions of making out.
Ha, related. During before church discussion, bishop brought up the inevitable making out question (Which someone had conveniently written, "Is making out okay?" - Thanks, dude.) and said that he really wanted to discuss it, but that he didn't want to seem out of touch. He asked for suggestions. As everyone else seemed afraid to share what I feel is generally accepted knowledge, I bravely stepped forward.
"Honestly, Bishop," I said, somewhat haltingly, "I have to say that it is incredibly rare, in my experience, to know people who both date regularly and don't make out. Really, incredibly rare. While it is technically something that I have been told is not okay, I do not know very many people who abstain purely due to their own decisions."
While I was concerned that this would bring on a firestorm, it was calmly discussed that it would seem out-of-touch and ignorant to simply denounce making out for being bad (Because a majority so healthy it could run marathons does, in fact, make out on the regular and not feel bad about it), it had to be said that making out was dangerous territory, and that everyone should know that they're playing with fire when they make out. Not condoning, but not unaware that it's almost a universal practice. How I feel regarding this subject is a topic for another day. Besides, you probably already know that anyway. What is unfortunate is that for all this, the bishop gave his spiel, only to have his wife stand up afterwards, "I'd just like to congratulate all of you who haven't been in make-out sessions. I always told my children not to kiss while they were dating, and I really do not think that it is necessary to kiss when...."
And I honestly can't report what she said after that.
The wonderful thing was that I was, in fact, seated at the front, facing the entire ward, meaning that I got to watch about 98% of the wards' eyes widen in collective aghast....ment. tion? ness? Whatever.
Ha and the reason that Grant is weird is the fact that yes, he obviously wants some action, but he also enjoys my company and genuinely wants me to be his friend. All while really really not being interested. What the fuh? That is weird. Come on. And the fact that he flirted with as seeming sincerity as any genuinely interested boy I've ever known, only for me to hear him say that he'd never been interested and really, I was into him? Was kind of ground- and paradigm-shakingly insane, I tell you.
For a change, we'll do random tidbits from my life first and then reply to your emails. Hung out with Spencer again and had a weird convo with him about how it was utterly bizarre to me that I could enjoy hanging out with him and genuinely appreciate him as a person as much as I do and not be remotely distressed at the thought of him dating someone else. Certainly not nearly so distressed as I was at the thought of me not dating anyone else. Dang. The more I see of dating, the more I feel like nothing makes a great deal of sense.
Which is just marvelous, because I got called upon by the bishop to be part of a panel from the ward to discuss dating and relationships for our second and third hour lesson today in church.
Ha. Ha. Ha. At last count, number of people who, upon hearing of this decision, laughed or called into question the sanity of my bishopric: five. Sigh. The bishopric had everybody write down random dating questions, and then assembled a group of seven or eight of us to talk about it before church today to assure, as much as possible, that the lesson wouldn't devolve into a battle of the sexes. Pre-church discussion was actually quite marvelous. Great thoughts were shared, and I took up way more than my share of the floor. This, however, did not translate to church discussion.
Oh, such a painful two hours of church we all endured today....Everyone had something to say. Everyone took a good five minutes to share their thoughts. BLAAAAH. It was death. Someone afterwards suggested that the panel should have done all the talking. While that idea has many deficiencies (among them that I would for all intents and purposes be an abysmally non-representative mouthpiece for girls in the ward), it certainly would have saved us listening to eighty million sob stories of getting turned down and positively painful discussions of making out.
Ha, related. During before church discussion, bishop brought up the inevitable making out question (Which someone had conveniently written, "Is making out okay?" - Thanks, dude.) and said that he really wanted to discuss it, but that he didn't want to seem out of touch. He asked for suggestions. As everyone else seemed afraid to share what I feel is generally accepted knowledge, I bravely stepped forward.
"Honestly, Bishop," I said, somewhat haltingly, "I have to say that it is incredibly rare, in my experience, to know people who both date regularly and don't make out. Really, incredibly rare. While it is technically something that I have been told is not okay, I do not know very many people who abstain purely due to their own decisions."
While I was concerned that this would bring on a firestorm, it was calmly discussed that it would seem out-of-touch and ignorant to simply denounce making out for being bad (Because a majority so healthy it could run marathons does, in fact, make out on the regular and not feel bad about it), it had to be said that making out was dangerous territory, and that everyone should know that they're playing with fire when they make out. Not condoning, but not unaware that it's almost a universal practice. How I feel regarding this subject is a topic for another day. Besides, you probably already know that anyway. What is unfortunate is that for all this, the bishop gave his spiel, only to have his wife stand up afterwards, "I'd just like to congratulate all of you who haven't been in make-out sessions. I always told my children not to kiss while they were dating, and I really do not think that it is necessary to kiss when...."
And I honestly can't report what she said after that.
The wonderful thing was that I was, in fact, seated at the front, facing the entire ward, meaning that I got to watch about 98% of the wards' eyes widen in collective aghast....ment. tion? ness? Whatever.
Ha and the reason that Grant is weird is the fact that yes, he obviously wants some action, but he also enjoys my company and genuinely wants me to be his friend. All while really really not being interested. What the fuh? That is weird. Come on. And the fact that he flirted with as seeming sincerity as any genuinely interested boy I've ever known, only for me to hear him say that he'd never been interested and really, I was into him? Was kind of ground- and paradigm-shakingly insane, I tell you.
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