(February 19,2012)
My life is incredibly lovely. Just for the record. It's going to suck tomorrow, when I do pretty much all the homework for this weekend that I've put off (it's Presidents' Day, information which I'm fairly certain needs to be brought to your attention, as you forgot about Valentine's Day) and I have a Tau Beta Pi report due Tuesday. Haha. Oh, crap, and I need to call Provo power and get our bill transferred to my name.
Procrastination is my enemy. I don't know how many times I will have to tell myself that before I will listen all of the time.
Last of all, reading your analysis of the facebook comments made me realize, for the first time, that you might come back and find me really, really different. I know I've been changing, and I know you read a butt-load of my thoughts every single week, and I have no doubt that you've noticed at least some minute differences, but I realized that there's a lot of my personal interaction quirks that have changed that have no way of making their way to you over in Norway :) I think that you still know me well enough that you're right on most counts - notably, that I kind of subconsciously expect most guys to only be attracted to me, if they want me at all. But I think I'm a lot cockier about my attractiveness than I was when you left. No, I'm like, 99.9% sure I'm much cockier about boys wanting me than I used to be. Which I've mentioned, of course, but I don't know that you'll ever really get to see the effects of that. I kind of just realized this because you disagreed with the "everyone at the table" comment, which, hilariously enough, is the statement I considered closest to the truth.
I'm about to briefly showcase that arrogance, so you can sort of see what I mean. See, Christian, in college, I've discovered that if I'm the only girl with a group of guys, I can, with very little effort, control the conversation. I can talk to, and quite frankly, flirt with an entire room at a time, if they're receptive. I'm not saying that they all go home totally in love. I'm not even saying that at any point all, most, half, or even any of them will be genuinely interested. But I can give everyone just enough floor time and just enough direct attention that it's kind of like having seven different conversations at once, and it's fascinating. And I enjoy it to a somewhat disgusting extent. To be fair, if there's any other girls present, particularly outgoing and better looking ones than me (not difficult in Provo [actually, that describes almost all of my friends anywhere at any given time]), they have no difficulty upstaging me and I cheerfully cede that right to them. I almost never pull focus with groups of girls, and I'm really okay with that. I just enjoy the attention when it's me and guys :)
It will be interesting to see what you think in general when you return. Although that particular thing is something you'll probably never witness, as it requires a group of boys we didn't go to high school with, and I can't see us in a situation involving a room filled with boys that don't fit into that designation.
Alright, now, I should close, but I really want to tell you about this week. I was weird this week. Like easily bothered. And a kid called me a bitch. Be excited for the stories.
I was talking to this kid that I barely know on facebook chat. He's told me before that he thinks that girls should give ALL guys at least three dates. Seriously. Regardless of whether or not she's attracted to him, regardless of anything at all she feels about him - three dates. Which is a little crazy, but whatever, I suppose, until I was talking to him the other night. He begins to whinge about the fact that he, and I quote, "can't get any play." He proceeds to say that girls ignore him and shut him down constantly. I mildly suggest that sometimes, the culprit for that can be asking out girls of just one type, and perhaps he should consider branching out.
"Oh, if you're suggesting that I ask out girls that I don't find attractive, that is not happening."
Yeah.
So I might have spewed some nasty vitriol for all I was worth over facebook chat.
Because that's among the most repugnant of double standards that I've ever had the misfortune of hearing. It got better when he said that President Packer said you should date a girl who's attractive over one who's spiritual, because the latter has the possibility of improvement, and the former does not. It got better still when he whipped out a chip the size of Everest on his shoulder about how he's the greatest, smartest, most athletic, most musically talented guy in the whole world, and that he works so much harder on being a good person than any guy ever has, so obviously girls should want him.
It was about when I told him that he could change all he wanted, but if he didn't change his paradigm, he wouldn't get any girls, that he started getting really angry.
I might have called him an asshole. So it wasn't totally unwarranted. But I will never appreciate being called a bitch.
I think the last time that happened was in ninth grade, when I called Tanner Hanks a perv for trying to get me to send him a picture of me in a bikini. That was his retort.
I really don't know what came over me. I apologized profusely to this kid the next day, saying that I didn't know him and that I shouldn't have come down on him so hard, and he accepted, but I feel kind of hideous that I still stand by my feelings - that kid is going to continue to fail in dating if he continues to do it that way.
Ha. So, basically, I was a really bad person this week and felt like crap about that. I also might have been rather unnecessarily snappy to Spencer when he called me a skank (jokingly, but I didn't read it that way).
It was good, because a lot of the time, I think of "treating others kindly and as I would like to be treated or better" as one of those areas that can be left alone in favor of other, more significant personality flaws, but this was a somewhat unpleasant reminder that I'm perfect in no direction :P Hahaha oh, and I don't remember the last time I legitimately lost my temper with someone.
So that was just great.
P.S. I gave a musical number in my parents' ward today, and people were really really nice about it. I just played a Chopin nocturne, but it made me incredibly happy. That is all.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Valentine's Day, Part Two
(February 13, 2012)
Also, I shouldn't keep going, because that email is already longer than usual, no mean feat. But I had the following facebook chat with someone who took me on a date and wish to know to what extent you concur. The following are all statements he made.
You put off this "I can't be caught" vibe, but you talk as if you throw yourself around a bit behind the scenes.
But kissing boys is not what I mean. You put off the vibe of "oh sure, if you're hot and you're a tool, maybe you can make out with me, but no one can REALLY have me."
I got that vibe from you the first time I ever spent any time around you, that being at the Tau Beta Pi initiation dinner, and we didn't even talk.
You're attractive, and not the type that goes unnoticed. You have a knack for having the attention turn to you in a crowd...probably caused by a mix of you wanting the attention and other people wanting yours.
You never got too involved in a conversation with any guy at the table, no matter how hard they were trying to be funny and impress you, but you still laughed at the jokes and played along.
It's really throwing me off. I can think of almost no experiences where I have come away from a first date just as confused about what I thought of someone. I generally decide whether or not I'm interested in one date. One interaction, even. When you know, you know, right? I guess not...
[First, he proceeds to extol my virtues kindly, and then]
But you also strike me in a lot of ways as the antithesis of girls I'm generally interested in. Playing easy to get physically but not otherwise, perhaps a bit too aware of how wanted you are, easygoing to the point of wanting to prove you're a little "bad."
So, none of this is me bragging, I swear. I'm just really intrigued at this kid's take, and wish to know your opinion of some or all of the above - both the fact that he said them so baldly and whether you agree.
Yes, this is all about me.
Sorry.
Also, I shouldn't keep going, because that email is already longer than usual, no mean feat. But I had the following facebook chat with someone who took me on a date and wish to know to what extent you concur. The following are all statements he made.
You put off this "I can't be caught" vibe, but you talk as if you throw yourself around a bit behind the scenes.
But kissing boys is not what I mean. You put off the vibe of "oh sure, if you're hot and you're a tool, maybe you can make out with me, but no one can REALLY have me."
I got that vibe from you the first time I ever spent any time around you, that being at the Tau Beta Pi initiation dinner, and we didn't even talk.
You're attractive, and not the type that goes unnoticed. You have a knack for having the attention turn to you in a crowd...probably caused by a mix of you wanting the attention and other people wanting yours.
You never got too involved in a conversation with any guy at the table, no matter how hard they were trying to be funny and impress you, but you still laughed at the jokes and played along.
It's really throwing me off. I can think of almost no experiences where I have come away from a first date just as confused about what I thought of someone. I generally decide whether or not I'm interested in one date. One interaction, even. When you know, you know, right? I guess not...
[First, he proceeds to extol my virtues kindly, and then]
But you also strike me in a lot of ways as the antithesis of girls I'm generally interested in. Playing easy to get physically but not otherwise, perhaps a bit too aware of how wanted you are, easygoing to the point of wanting to prove you're a little "bad."
So, none of this is me bragging, I swear. I'm just really intrigued at this kid's take, and wish to know your opinion of some or all of the above - both the fact that he said them so baldly and whether you agree.
Yes, this is all about me.
Sorry.
Valentine's Day approaches!! Hearts are everywhere!!
(February 13, 2012)
Oh, what a lovely evening. I definitely slept a lot today, but given that I was awake until five AM two nights ago and three AM last night, I feel justified. I'm kind of nervous about tomorrow - I have a test in Heat and Mass Transfer, which could either be ugly or surprisingly okay, and then I have a fifteen minute presentation I'm giving on some of my brother's research. I haven't rehearsed the latter and I've barely studied for the former. I've justified my seriously weak studying thus far because it's open book, notes, homework, what have you, but somehow that's only making me more nervous. Bahaha.
Alright, that's boring.
So, uh, Courtney's setting KAITLIN up with Spencer this weekend.
Ba
Ha
Ha
Ha
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
I confess that when Kaitlin texted me, telling me that she'd noticed that Spencer and I were friends and what should she think of him, I called her and told her way too much. Like pretty much everything's that's happened with Spencer and I. All the same, I see them getting along quite well and I know for a fact she'll enjoy herself, because he's a great guy. I also feel like if it weren't for the fact that Kaitlin will undoubtedly NOT consider Spencer as a serious candidate since I told her about all of our history (I was nice, I'm just saying that I don't see Kaitlin feeling comfortable dating him under the circumstances), they would do quite well together. Kaitlin lacks several major deficiencies I possessed that prevented the Spencer/Me thing, primary among them the fact that she is sensitive where I am not, and enormously selfless where I am not. I see that working.
And one of the awesomest quotes ever, to begin your week:
"There is one responsibility which no man can evade; that responsibility is his personal influence. Man's unconscious influence is the silent, subtle radiation of personality - the effect of his words and his actions on others. THis radiation is tremendous. Every moment of life man is changing, to a degree, the life of the whole world.
Every man has an atmosphere which is affecting every other man. He cannot escape for one moment from this radiation of his character, this constant weakening or strengthening of others. Man cannot evade the responsibility by merely saying it is an unconscious influence.
Man can select the qualities he would permit to be radiated. He can cultivate sweetness, calmness, trust, generosity, truth, justice, loyalty, nobility, and make them vitally active in his character. And by these qualities he will constantly affect the world.
This radiation to which I refer comes from what a person really is, not from what he pretends to be. Every man by his mere living is radiating either sympathy, sorrow, morbidness, cynicism, or happiness and hope or any one of a hundred other qualities. Life is a state of radiation and absorption. To exist is to radiate, to exist is to be the recipient of radiation."
-David O. McKay
Oh, what a lovely evening. I definitely slept a lot today, but given that I was awake until five AM two nights ago and three AM last night, I feel justified. I'm kind of nervous about tomorrow - I have a test in Heat and Mass Transfer, which could either be ugly or surprisingly okay, and then I have a fifteen minute presentation I'm giving on some of my brother's research. I haven't rehearsed the latter and I've barely studied for the former. I've justified my seriously weak studying thus far because it's open book, notes, homework, what have you, but somehow that's only making me more nervous. Bahaha.
Alright, that's boring.
So, uh, Courtney's setting KAITLIN up with Spencer this weekend.
Ba
Ha
Ha
Ha
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
I confess that when Kaitlin texted me, telling me that she'd noticed that Spencer and I were friends and what should she think of him, I called her and told her way too much. Like pretty much everything's that's happened with Spencer and I. All the same, I see them getting along quite well and I know for a fact she'll enjoy herself, because he's a great guy. I also feel like if it weren't for the fact that Kaitlin will undoubtedly NOT consider Spencer as a serious candidate since I told her about all of our history (I was nice, I'm just saying that I don't see Kaitlin feeling comfortable dating him under the circumstances), they would do quite well together. Kaitlin lacks several major deficiencies I possessed that prevented the Spencer/Me thing, primary among them the fact that she is sensitive where I am not, and enormously selfless where I am not. I see that working.
And one of the awesomest quotes ever, to begin your week:
"There is one responsibility which no man can evade; that responsibility is his personal influence. Man's unconscious influence is the silent, subtle radiation of personality - the effect of his words and his actions on others. THis radiation is tremendous. Every moment of life man is changing, to a degree, the life of the whole world.
Every man has an atmosphere which is affecting every other man. He cannot escape for one moment from this radiation of his character, this constant weakening or strengthening of others. Man cannot evade the responsibility by merely saying it is an unconscious influence.
Man can select the qualities he would permit to be radiated. He can cultivate sweetness, calmness, trust, generosity, truth, justice, loyalty, nobility, and make them vitally active in his character. And by these qualities he will constantly affect the world.
This radiation to which I refer comes from what a person really is, not from what he pretends to be. Every man by his mere living is radiating either sympathy, sorrow, morbidness, cynicism, or happiness and hope or any one of a hundred other qualities. Life is a state of radiation and absorption. To exist is to radiate, to exist is to be the recipient of radiation."
-David O. McKay
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Oh, the things I wish to say...
(February 6, 2012)
I have so much that I want to tell you right now, because I'm immensely....grrr. Sigh. Throwing wrenches in my own well-laid plans, frankly. However, they involve boys. I will decide, after replying in general, whether or not I will be noble enough to keep these things to myself.
On, pre-church discussion for the dating panel was marvelous because it was much more about general dating things and vaguely gender-political questions as regards dating, which will undoubtedly fascinate me until I'm married and honestly, probably even after that. I had much to say on the subject and was quite pleased to see my words well-received. Among my wisdom (which yes, I'm totally going to quote here under the almost totally un-ironic heading of "wisdom")
*There is a reason girls shouldn't and don't ask guys out. And it's not because the social construct is biased, it's not because we're lazy, or poor, or anything else. It's that girls halve their chance with a guy (at a generous estimate) when they take away so significant an element of the chase. People want what they can't have. Boys most especially want what they can't have. If I'm going to hand it to someone, I'm more than well aware that I will get it back the second they're bored of making out.
* Mixed messages are way more often a no than a yes. Everyone would be happier if they lived under this understanding. If boys don't want to deal with a girl who plays games, they shouldn't - if she's messing with your mind, get out of there. Stop pursuing her, stop hanging out with her. If she really wants you, the texts and the "haven't seen you in a while ;)" s and so on will begin tout de suite.
Serious.
Alright, fine, I suppose I won't be noble and I am going to subject you to this. You probably should hear about it, if you have a vested interest in that general area. Christian....I'm so confused. It's perplexing to want, with great agony and longing, things I don't think I can have, and then have them taken away from me and not be distressed in the slightest. I don't get myself. At all. And for the first time, I'm really concerned about what this could mean. There have been boys that I thought I cared about, and by all accounts I did - worrying about them and helping them out and even praying for them - only to discover, when they waltzed out of my life, that I was totally fine, if a bit out of sorts for maybe twenty-four hours or so. I've never cried about a boy in my entire life, did you know that? I feel like I've programmed myself not to care about boys romantically. It's strange, because I feel as though I do genuinely care about people in general....but boys....I don't know.
Which is the sort of thing I've been worrying about since an in-depth conversation with close friends made me feel like missing the boat on relationships (you know, actually having them and stuff) is going to be a considerably greater problem than I'd originally assumed.
And then, this week, Grant wanted me to make out with him so badly, and we frankly almost did. And I find myself tangled knowing that that would be a horrible idea and realizing how much it distresses me to miss out on that, but feeling like I don't care about him at all romantically while simultaneously hoping in a very sincere way that he's able to work out the things that are screwed up in his life, that he learns to be happy, and also still being attracted to him.
[Would just like you to know that I thought about somehow editing that painful four or so sentences that I decided to put into the unholy amalgamation you see above, but decided not to once I realized just how strongly it reminded me of Hermione's explanation of Cho's feelings in Order of the Phoenix. To which Ron replies that one person can't feel all that at once. Hope you've got more than the emotional range of a teaspoon...]
I'm just so confused....I thought attraction to and sincere concern and appreciation for another person was all you needed to date someone, and if that was reciprocated, boom. Done. Relationship. It seems so simple. And yet I find myself meeting people that I feel both for and don't want to be with, and likewise meeting people who think similar things about me.
Christian....How does this ever work out...for anyone....
I'm just....meh. I think I'm also just grumpy at wanting something I can't have and telling myself over and over again that it would be a capital H Horrible Idea. Knowing that smart Kristen is right. Knowing that if I had the opportunity, I would totally be flouting her advice.
Ha.
Alright, it's one AM, I need to stop. You're probably going to ignore at least some of that.
But I'm pretty sure I did rather well on my first two tests for my tough classes, so :)
I have so much that I want to tell you right now, because I'm immensely....grrr. Sigh. Throwing wrenches in my own well-laid plans, frankly. However, they involve boys. I will decide, after replying in general, whether or not I will be noble enough to keep these things to myself.
On, pre-church discussion for the dating panel was marvelous because it was much more about general dating things and vaguely gender-political questions as regards dating, which will undoubtedly fascinate me until I'm married and honestly, probably even after that. I had much to say on the subject and was quite pleased to see my words well-received. Among my wisdom (which yes, I'm totally going to quote here under the almost totally un-ironic heading of "wisdom")
*There is a reason girls shouldn't and don't ask guys out. And it's not because the social construct is biased, it's not because we're lazy, or poor, or anything else. It's that girls halve their chance with a guy (at a generous estimate) when they take away so significant an element of the chase. People want what they can't have. Boys most especially want what they can't have. If I'm going to hand it to someone, I'm more than well aware that I will get it back the second they're bored of making out.
* Mixed messages are way more often a no than a yes. Everyone would be happier if they lived under this understanding. If boys don't want to deal with a girl who plays games, they shouldn't - if she's messing with your mind, get out of there. Stop pursuing her, stop hanging out with her. If she really wants you, the texts and the "haven't seen you in a while ;)" s and so on will begin tout de suite.
Serious.
Alright, fine, I suppose I won't be noble and I am going to subject you to this. You probably should hear about it, if you have a vested interest in that general area. Christian....I'm so confused. It's perplexing to want, with great agony and longing, things I don't think I can have, and then have them taken away from me and not be distressed in the slightest. I don't get myself. At all. And for the first time, I'm really concerned about what this could mean. There have been boys that I thought I cared about, and by all accounts I did - worrying about them and helping them out and even praying for them - only to discover, when they waltzed out of my life, that I was totally fine, if a bit out of sorts for maybe twenty-four hours or so. I've never cried about a boy in my entire life, did you know that? I feel like I've programmed myself not to care about boys romantically. It's strange, because I feel as though I do genuinely care about people in general....but boys....I don't know.
Which is the sort of thing I've been worrying about since an in-depth conversation with close friends made me feel like missing the boat on relationships (you know, actually having them and stuff) is going to be a considerably greater problem than I'd originally assumed.
And then, this week, Grant wanted me to make out with him so badly, and we frankly almost did. And I find myself tangled knowing that that would be a horrible idea and realizing how much it distresses me to miss out on that, but feeling like I don't care about him at all romantically while simultaneously hoping in a very sincere way that he's able to work out the things that are screwed up in his life, that he learns to be happy, and also still being attracted to him.
[Would just like you to know that I thought about somehow editing that painful four or so sentences that I decided to put into the unholy amalgamation you see above, but decided not to once I realized just how strongly it reminded me of Hermione's explanation of Cho's feelings in Order of the Phoenix. To which Ron replies that one person can't feel all that at once. Hope you've got more than the emotional range of a teaspoon...]
I'm just so confused....I thought attraction to and sincere concern and appreciation for another person was all you needed to date someone, and if that was reciprocated, boom. Done. Relationship. It seems so simple. And yet I find myself meeting people that I feel both for and don't want to be with, and likewise meeting people who think similar things about me.
Christian....How does this ever work out...for anyone....
I'm just....meh. I think I'm also just grumpy at wanting something I can't have and telling myself over and over again that it would be a capital H Horrible Idea. Knowing that smart Kristen is right. Knowing that if I had the opportunity, I would totally be flouting her advice.
Ha.
Alright, it's one AM, I need to stop. You're probably going to ignore at least some of that.
But I'm pretty sure I did rather well on my first two tests for my tough classes, so :)
My roommate has just informed me that my lotion smells of fruit roll-ups. The things you miss in Norway.
(January 30,2012)
For a change, we'll do random tidbits from my life first and then reply to your emails. Hung out with Spencer again and had a weird convo with him about how it was utterly bizarre to me that I could enjoy hanging out with him and genuinely appreciate him as a person as much as I do and not be remotely distressed at the thought of him dating someone else. Certainly not nearly so distressed as I was at the thought of me not dating anyone else. Dang. The more I see of dating, the more I feel like nothing makes a great deal of sense.
Which is just marvelous, because I got called upon by the bishop to be part of a panel from the ward to discuss dating and relationships for our second and third hour lesson today in church.
Ha. Ha. Ha. At last count, number of people who, upon hearing of this decision, laughed or called into question the sanity of my bishopric: five. Sigh. The bishopric had everybody write down random dating questions, and then assembled a group of seven or eight of us to talk about it before church today to assure, as much as possible, that the lesson wouldn't devolve into a battle of the sexes. Pre-church discussion was actually quite marvelous. Great thoughts were shared, and I took up way more than my share of the floor. This, however, did not translate to church discussion.
Oh, such a painful two hours of church we all endured today....Everyone had something to say. Everyone took a good five minutes to share their thoughts. BLAAAAH. It was death. Someone afterwards suggested that the panel should have done all the talking. While that idea has many deficiencies (among them that I would for all intents and purposes be an abysmally non-representative mouthpiece for girls in the ward), it certainly would have saved us listening to eighty million sob stories of getting turned down and positively painful discussions of making out.
Ha, related. During before church discussion, bishop brought up the inevitable making out question (Which someone had conveniently written, "Is making out okay?" - Thanks, dude.) and said that he really wanted to discuss it, but that he didn't want to seem out of touch. He asked for suggestions. As everyone else seemed afraid to share what I feel is generally accepted knowledge, I bravely stepped forward.
"Honestly, Bishop," I said, somewhat haltingly, "I have to say that it is incredibly rare, in my experience, to know people who both date regularly and don't make out. Really, incredibly rare. While it is technically something that I have been told is not okay, I do not know very many people who abstain purely due to their own decisions."
While I was concerned that this would bring on a firestorm, it was calmly discussed that it would seem out-of-touch and ignorant to simply denounce making out for being bad (Because a majority so healthy it could run marathons does, in fact, make out on the regular and not feel bad about it), it had to be said that making out was dangerous territory, and that everyone should know that they're playing with fire when they make out. Not condoning, but not unaware that it's almost a universal practice. How I feel regarding this subject is a topic for another day. Besides, you probably already know that anyway. What is unfortunate is that for all this, the bishop gave his spiel, only to have his wife stand up afterwards, "I'd just like to congratulate all of you who haven't been in make-out sessions. I always told my children not to kiss while they were dating, and I really do not think that it is necessary to kiss when...."
And I honestly can't report what she said after that.
The wonderful thing was that I was, in fact, seated at the front, facing the entire ward, meaning that I got to watch about 98% of the wards' eyes widen in collective aghast....ment. tion? ness? Whatever.
Ha and the reason that Grant is weird is the fact that yes, he obviously wants some action, but he also enjoys my company and genuinely wants me to be his friend. All while really really not being interested. What the fuh? That is weird. Come on. And the fact that he flirted with as seeming sincerity as any genuinely interested boy I've ever known, only for me to hear him say that he'd never been interested and really, I was into him? Was kind of ground- and paradigm-shakingly insane, I tell you.
For a change, we'll do random tidbits from my life first and then reply to your emails. Hung out with Spencer again and had a weird convo with him about how it was utterly bizarre to me that I could enjoy hanging out with him and genuinely appreciate him as a person as much as I do and not be remotely distressed at the thought of him dating someone else. Certainly not nearly so distressed as I was at the thought of me not dating anyone else. Dang. The more I see of dating, the more I feel like nothing makes a great deal of sense.
Which is just marvelous, because I got called upon by the bishop to be part of a panel from the ward to discuss dating and relationships for our second and third hour lesson today in church.
Ha. Ha. Ha. At last count, number of people who, upon hearing of this decision, laughed or called into question the sanity of my bishopric: five. Sigh. The bishopric had everybody write down random dating questions, and then assembled a group of seven or eight of us to talk about it before church today to assure, as much as possible, that the lesson wouldn't devolve into a battle of the sexes. Pre-church discussion was actually quite marvelous. Great thoughts were shared, and I took up way more than my share of the floor. This, however, did not translate to church discussion.
Oh, such a painful two hours of church we all endured today....Everyone had something to say. Everyone took a good five minutes to share their thoughts. BLAAAAH. It was death. Someone afterwards suggested that the panel should have done all the talking. While that idea has many deficiencies (among them that I would for all intents and purposes be an abysmally non-representative mouthpiece for girls in the ward), it certainly would have saved us listening to eighty million sob stories of getting turned down and positively painful discussions of making out.
Ha, related. During before church discussion, bishop brought up the inevitable making out question (Which someone had conveniently written, "Is making out okay?" - Thanks, dude.) and said that he really wanted to discuss it, but that he didn't want to seem out of touch. He asked for suggestions. As everyone else seemed afraid to share what I feel is generally accepted knowledge, I bravely stepped forward.
"Honestly, Bishop," I said, somewhat haltingly, "I have to say that it is incredibly rare, in my experience, to know people who both date regularly and don't make out. Really, incredibly rare. While it is technically something that I have been told is not okay, I do not know very many people who abstain purely due to their own decisions."
While I was concerned that this would bring on a firestorm, it was calmly discussed that it would seem out-of-touch and ignorant to simply denounce making out for being bad (Because a majority so healthy it could run marathons does, in fact, make out on the regular and not feel bad about it), it had to be said that making out was dangerous territory, and that everyone should know that they're playing with fire when they make out. Not condoning, but not unaware that it's almost a universal practice. How I feel regarding this subject is a topic for another day. Besides, you probably already know that anyway. What is unfortunate is that for all this, the bishop gave his spiel, only to have his wife stand up afterwards, "I'd just like to congratulate all of you who haven't been in make-out sessions. I always told my children not to kiss while they were dating, and I really do not think that it is necessary to kiss when...."
And I honestly can't report what she said after that.
The wonderful thing was that I was, in fact, seated at the front, facing the entire ward, meaning that I got to watch about 98% of the wards' eyes widen in collective aghast....ment. tion? ness? Whatever.
Ha and the reason that Grant is weird is the fact that yes, he obviously wants some action, but he also enjoys my company and genuinely wants me to be his friend. All while really really not being interested. What the fuh? That is weird. Come on. And the fact that he flirted with as seeming sincerity as any genuinely interested boy I've ever known, only for me to hear him say that he'd never been interested and really, I was into him? Was kind of ground- and paradigm-shakingly insane, I tell you.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Your email was difficult to respond to, are you aware of that?
(January 23, 2012)
On to more interesting things: I still have stories to tell that I don't know that you want to hear. I'll tell you some of the Grant, at least, because he remains positively the most unusual boy ever.
We hung out last weekend, and I will simply give you a rough transcript of some of the high points.
Grant: Do you want to hear something nice someone said about you?
Kristen [smiling broadly]: Is that a serious question?
Grant: So my roommate Nick saw you walking to school yesterday and came in and was like, "Kristen is so attractive. Like so good-looking."
Kristen: Ha! That is marvelous. On the short list of things I never tire of hearing, that people find me attractive is really really up there.
[Pause, in which Kristen appears to concentrate very hard]
Grant: What is that face?
Kristen: It just became really important that I remember what I was wearing yesterday.
Grant: It's true, though.
Kristen: That I need to remember what I was wearing yesterday? Glad you concur.
Grant: No, you're attractive.
Kristen [cautious, suspicious and skeptical]: uh....huh.....anyway.....
{Conversation proceeds to other topics for a while, and eventually comes around to the madness that was my Christmas break and the week following, and story swapping commences}
Grant: Yeah, and I even kissed a girl the same day I met her.
Kristen: Nice! That's totally on my bucket list. A guy. Eh, well I guess that I've technically done that, if you count dares, but I don't count those.
Grant: You don't count dares?
Kristen: Pfft. Of course not.
Grant: So I could dare you to kiss me right now?
Kristen [who is immediately regarding Grant from one slitted eye]: .....Technically.....but anyway....
[Roommates enter, and Grant and I are unable to talk as candidly as before, and he begins texting me from across the room]
Grant: So my cousin Brady. You should make out with him.
Kristen: Ha. Meh. Might second string him.
Grant: What does that mean?
Kristen: Oh, come on, use that snark for good instead of evil just this once and figure it out.
Grant: So who's first string?
Grant: Say it's me.
Kristen: Oh shut up :P
And then, as he walks me home:
Grant: I was so excited for you to come over so I could talk to you, it's too bad that everyone else had to come.
Kristen: Yeah, I know, I really like just talking to you.
Grant: I was thinking, "Kristen's coming over, this is going to be hot."
Kristen: ...ha....no you weren't.
Grant [In tones of sincerity]: Yeah, I kind of was.
He later texted me that evening and told me that he was hoping we could hook up.
My immediate response to which was: "Oh, you odd person. No, you weren't."
In other news, my brother Dustin called me a skank and told me to stop messing with boys' feelings and then proceeded to give me a really long lecture about how you can't just make out with boys without them caring about you. Sigh. Would that that were true, but excluding notable exceptions such as Spencer (which isn't entirely fair, as he was a substantial part of why we were having this conversation), boys are quite fine if they make out with me and never see me again. Grant certainly would not have been heart broken if we'd taken that particular course. (We didn't).
Anyhow, this should end, as I have enormous homework fixing to do before school tomorrow. Growl. SO do not want to finish homework tomorrow. Oh, and I just decided that I'm going to attach the thought paper I did for mission prep to this email. Am I? huh. Maybe I won't. You're judgy and I wrote it in forty-five minutes or so today. Eh. I'm doing it anyway.
I also want books to read. So badly. When I was sick on MLK, Jr. Day I spent the entire day rereading Hunger Games one. MARVELOUS decision. But now I want more of the candy.
Alright. Have to go to bed.
Give me more to work with this week, and you won't have to endure long letters about things you don't particular care for :)
On to more interesting things: I still have stories to tell that I don't know that you want to hear. I'll tell you some of the Grant, at least, because he remains positively the most unusual boy ever.
We hung out last weekend, and I will simply give you a rough transcript of some of the high points.
Grant: Do you want to hear something nice someone said about you?
Kristen [smiling broadly]: Is that a serious question?
Grant: So my roommate Nick saw you walking to school yesterday and came in and was like, "Kristen is so attractive. Like so good-looking."
Kristen: Ha! That is marvelous. On the short list of things I never tire of hearing, that people find me attractive is really really up there.
[Pause, in which Kristen appears to concentrate very hard]
Grant: What is that face?
Kristen: It just became really important that I remember what I was wearing yesterday.
Grant: It's true, though.
Kristen: That I need to remember what I was wearing yesterday? Glad you concur.
Grant: No, you're attractive.
Kristen [cautious, suspicious and skeptical]: uh....huh.....anyway.....
{Conversation proceeds to other topics for a while, and eventually comes around to the madness that was my Christmas break and the week following, and story swapping commences}
Grant: Yeah, and I even kissed a girl the same day I met her.
Kristen: Nice! That's totally on my bucket list. A guy. Eh, well I guess that I've technically done that, if you count dares, but I don't count those.
Grant: You don't count dares?
Kristen: Pfft. Of course not.
Grant: So I could dare you to kiss me right now?
Kristen [who is immediately regarding Grant from one slitted eye]: .....Technically.....but anyway....
[Roommates enter, and Grant and I are unable to talk as candidly as before, and he begins texting me from across the room]
Grant: So my cousin Brady. You should make out with him.
Kristen: Ha. Meh. Might second string him.
Grant: What does that mean?
Kristen: Oh, come on, use that snark for good instead of evil just this once and figure it out.
Grant: So who's first string?
Grant: Say it's me.
Kristen: Oh shut up :P
And then, as he walks me home:
Grant: I was so excited for you to come over so I could talk to you, it's too bad that everyone else had to come.
Kristen: Yeah, I know, I really like just talking to you.
Grant: I was thinking, "Kristen's coming over, this is going to be hot."
Kristen: ...ha....no you weren't.
Grant [In tones of sincerity]: Yeah, I kind of was.
He later texted me that evening and told me that he was hoping we could hook up.
My immediate response to which was: "Oh, you odd person. No, you weren't."
In other news, my brother Dustin called me a skank and told me to stop messing with boys' feelings and then proceeded to give me a really long lecture about how you can't just make out with boys without them caring about you. Sigh. Would that that were true, but excluding notable exceptions such as Spencer (which isn't entirely fair, as he was a substantial part of why we were having this conversation), boys are quite fine if they make out with me and never see me again. Grant certainly would not have been heart broken if we'd taken that particular course. (We didn't).
Anyhow, this should end, as I have enormous homework fixing to do before school tomorrow. Growl. SO do not want to finish homework tomorrow. Oh, and I just decided that I'm going to attach the thought paper I did for mission prep to this email. Am I? huh. Maybe I won't. You're judgy and I wrote it in forty-five minutes or so today. Eh. I'm doing it anyway.
I also want books to read. So badly. When I was sick on MLK, Jr. Day I spent the entire day rereading Hunger Games one. MARVELOUS decision. But now I want more of the candy.
Alright. Have to go to bed.
Give me more to work with this week, and you won't have to endure long letters about things you don't particular care for :)
Friday, March 2, 2012
In which I drone on and on
(January 1, 2012)
HEAVY DISCLAIMER: Having read through it several times now, I can certifiably say that this email is really me using you as a sounding board for some of the at times odd, perplexing, and vaguely profound thoughts of this week. You've been warned. I'll be impressed if you make it to the end, and floored if you can muster any response that is not "Kristen, you are one hundred percent, certifiably, clinically, qualifiably, and under any other number of adverbs, insane. Oh, and you talk too much." Happy reading :)
Whiner. I was going to write you something last week, but as it happens...I ended up spending a massive chunk of the evening with Spencer. That dalliance, incidentally, is rapidly climbing my charts for newest, oddest, most unique and somehow, for all of that, not least pleasant boy dalliance ever. I mean, we aren't dating and we won't ever be, due to my own decision, but still. Odd.
I'll be telling you a lot about that and thoughts as derivatives thereof, by the way, so I hope you're prepared for this to be a fat email indeed.
Let's start with the weird thing that was the Spencer Christmas Special, and go from there.
Told you about the random make out following the Spencer night. I think I also shared that we both said that we had no idea what it meant and that we were okay with that. However, the reason Spencer was over that particular night was that Heather wanted to meet him. She thought he was great, and upon being informed the next morning that I'd made out with him, she gave me stern face and told me that she felt like he was a great guy and in no uncertain terms was I to mess with him. I insisted that it wasn't like that. I don't know what it was like, but I can at least conclusively state that it was not like that. Coming back around by way of the Strait of Magellan to my point, however, Heather liked him, and she and her husband not only conspired among themselves to decide that the two of us should date, she told my brothers about the Spencer. And my sisters-in-law. Which was fine, but they all definitely wanted to meet him. Also fine, but this meant that Spencer not only met, but hung out with my entire family over the break as we played games. It was so bizarre.....Really, just bizarre because it should have been the most unpleasant, weird experience ever. I fully expected it to be. Instead, it was all strangely comfortable and entertaining. Naturally, this cemented an immediate Family Coalition for Kristen to Just Give a Nice Guy a Chance, This Once. Sigh. So weird to have my family know a guy that I'm dating. Or whatever this....is....
Parenthetically, I counted: Boys who have both had face time (of any length, including the please-floor-open-up-and-chew-me-in-half moment that was Tyson saying "sup" to my mom) with either of my parents and kissed me: five. Boys who have actually had some kind of measurable conversation with either of my parents and kissed me....pretty much Spencer. Freaky. Weird. I don't know that I'm ok with it weird.
Anyhow, so we kept with the making out and actually talking (also super weird. Dude. I don't even know what Spencer did to deserve this. So odd.) for a few more days until I felt compelled to text (not say...of course not...) something to the effect of, "Uh...Spencer....I have no idea what to think of this." I was growing uneasy. Because even though he was nice and easy to be around and everything, I knew that I was not going to date him. We'd said that the fact that he lived in Salt Lake and I live in Provo rendered any dating discussion moot, but I was worried that he'd kind of want to rescind that.
After I texted this, he insisted that he talk to me in person about the above, or to be more accurate, he said that he had a "prepared statement" regarding the matter, to deliver. Ha. Said prepared statement, if memory serves, went something like this:
"Kristen, I really like you. So much about you. I would date you if that was what you wanted. I'd totally come down from Salt Lake, it's really not that far, and I've done it before. But I get the feeling that you're still not ready and that you're still somewhat violently opposed to the idea of a relationship. I'm going to be a lot more sad that things won't go that direction now than I was during the summer."
To which I responded with typical aplomb and finesse:
"Yeah...that's all pretty much true."
Silence from Spencer. I'm compelled to explain further.
"You know, the just not ready thing. I don't know. I just don't."
More silence. Kristen's speech is speeding up now.
"Well, and really, I just think that long distance is such a horrible idea, and I'd hate for you to spend that much money on gas and time and etc. to come see me, and I just think that when having a relationship is as much of a step as it is, long distance would just fair murder our chances."
Except that I'm fairly certain that that particularly colorful metaphor wasn't used.
So we've continued to talk and make out a bit and whatever since this time. For my birthday, he got me strings for my new guitar (the pawn shop strings sounded permanently flat) and some novelty picks, of which you received a photo attempt, and a remote-controlled car, randomly and awesomely enough. It's so weird and uncomfortable to be spoiled like this. Not horribly bad, necessarily, I just feel like it's too much and....gah. Dunno.
However. Let's discuss takeaway briefly. I don't even know what to think of all of that oddness.
Firstly: Family statements - "Kristen, you're letting some stupid, preconceived notions on what relationships should be like cloud your perception and you should really date Spencer." Kristen, however, feels that there's rather a crevasse of material between having preconceived notions regarding just how often a boy will bring you long-stemmed roses and having preconceived notions of the type Kristen was entertaining. Namely, that at the beginning, at the very least, you should be excited, at most, stupid, reckless, but never, ever described as "hesitant" with regard to the other person.
Secondly: Spencer did this freaky thing where he described me the way I often think of myself. That is, a somewhat dizzying amalgamation of types (nerdy, awkward, loud, funny, mildly attractive, singing, skanky, serious, surprisingly empathetic) and unexpected and even vaguely unpredictable for just the above reason.
Thirdly: Ha, Spencer also described me in much the way you once did - a lot better than first exposure would suggest. I believe that he told me that I "emerged from [my] obnoxious, brazen hussy cocoon of pretentiousness" and revealed myself to be surprisingly great.
Fourthly, and most importantly: I realized why I'm so okay with being single. Honestly...and this is undoubtedly about to sound all unfortunately twee, but there is in my life an enormous amount of sincere, uncomplicated love, from so many people I know. My family, my friends, all love me in an easy, cheerful, comfortable way, and I love them back the same. These are people who support and love me, for whom I would cheerfully provide anything from a poor, if listening, ear for advice and empathy to money, a car, hours, days, weeks of time, and beyond. In all those relationships, I know that the other person would do anything for me because I'd do anything for them. I will be there as long as they need me, and there is simplicity and happiness in the knowledge that we will be friends as long as they'd like (or family forever.)
But dating relationships are so annoyingly other.
Why?
Because with relationships, there is a balance of power. There is almost always a liker and a likee. The likee has all the blase and all the control. The liker has all the feelings and all the utter impotence unless games are played. Blech. Where is ease? Where is comfort? Where is happy? I frankly rather disdain being on either end. I hate that feeling of totally powerlessness when I play my last card - whether that happens to be an extra text that betrays how much I want a reply, a last-ditch attempt at showcasing my virtues, or, (rather unfortunately fact, this last) finding an excuse to prance around in my orange bikini. And because I so hate that deep feeling of futility, I take no pleasure whatsoever in holding all the cards, knowing that at some point I'm going to have to admit that the only reason I won was because he cared and I didn't.
I love my friends. I love my family. Easy. Uncomplicated. Dealing with boys (romantically) proves to be nothing but difficult and comparable to higher level string theory in complexity. Frankly, I'm content with the real, easy love. I have no patience for the fake, uncertain, difficult kind.
My singleness becomes less of a mystery with every passing hour :)
Sigh. Haha I should really put this email out of its misery. It's limping along, all woebegone and disconsolate and fair begging me for it, but I shall not do it the courtesy of facing it in another direction and talking about rabbits and sunsets just yet.
Last things:
Still haven't checked my grades. HA.
My birthday was amazing, went downtown to a condo of Carly's friends for high-end hot-tubbing.
Go back to school on Wednesday, have no school Tuesday/Thursday and am really excited that I'll have time to run, finally.
Oh, and chorus of my grumpy post-Grant song:
Fair, what's fair?
You changed your mind, but changed mine worse,
Of course, now that I care
Now I'm demoted, I'm not first
Many thanks for living proof
That love and justice both are blind
Without you I'd not know the truth
But with you, so am I.
Ha. Happy week, Happy New Year :)
HEAVY DISCLAIMER: Having read through it several times now, I can certifiably say that this email is really me using you as a sounding board for some of the at times odd, perplexing, and vaguely profound thoughts of this week. You've been warned. I'll be impressed if you make it to the end, and floored if you can muster any response that is not "Kristen, you are one hundred percent, certifiably, clinically, qualifiably, and under any other number of adverbs, insane. Oh, and you talk too much." Happy reading :)
Whiner. I was going to write you something last week, but as it happens...I ended up spending a massive chunk of the evening with Spencer. That dalliance, incidentally, is rapidly climbing my charts for newest, oddest, most unique and somehow, for all of that, not least pleasant boy dalliance ever. I mean, we aren't dating and we won't ever be, due to my own decision, but still. Odd.
I'll be telling you a lot about that and thoughts as derivatives thereof, by the way, so I hope you're prepared for this to be a fat email indeed.
Let's start with the weird thing that was the Spencer Christmas Special, and go from there.
Told you about the random make out following the Spencer night. I think I also shared that we both said that we had no idea what it meant and that we were okay with that. However, the reason Spencer was over that particular night was that Heather wanted to meet him. She thought he was great, and upon being informed the next morning that I'd made out with him, she gave me stern face and told me that she felt like he was a great guy and in no uncertain terms was I to mess with him. I insisted that it wasn't like that. I don't know what it was like, but I can at least conclusively state that it was not like that. Coming back around by way of the Strait of Magellan to my point, however, Heather liked him, and she and her husband not only conspired among themselves to decide that the two of us should date, she told my brothers about the Spencer. And my sisters-in-law. Which was fine, but they all definitely wanted to meet him. Also fine, but this meant that Spencer not only met, but hung out with my entire family over the break as we played games. It was so bizarre.....Really, just bizarre because it should have been the most unpleasant, weird experience ever. I fully expected it to be. Instead, it was all strangely comfortable and entertaining. Naturally, this cemented an immediate Family Coalition for Kristen to Just Give a Nice Guy a Chance, This Once. Sigh. So weird to have my family know a guy that I'm dating. Or whatever this....is....
Parenthetically, I counted: Boys who have both had face time (of any length, including the please-floor-open-up-and-chew-me-in-half moment that was Tyson saying "sup" to my mom) with either of my parents and kissed me: five. Boys who have actually had some kind of measurable conversation with either of my parents and kissed me....pretty much Spencer. Freaky. Weird. I don't know that I'm ok with it weird.
Anyhow, so we kept with the making out and actually talking (also super weird. Dude. I don't even know what Spencer did to deserve this. So odd.) for a few more days until I felt compelled to text (not say...of course not...) something to the effect of, "Uh...Spencer....I have no idea what to think of this." I was growing uneasy. Because even though he was nice and easy to be around and everything, I knew that I was not going to date him. We'd said that the fact that he lived in Salt Lake and I live in Provo rendered any dating discussion moot, but I was worried that he'd kind of want to rescind that.
After I texted this, he insisted that he talk to me in person about the above, or to be more accurate, he said that he had a "prepared statement" regarding the matter, to deliver. Ha. Said prepared statement, if memory serves, went something like this:
"Kristen, I really like you. So much about you. I would date you if that was what you wanted. I'd totally come down from Salt Lake, it's really not that far, and I've done it before. But I get the feeling that you're still not ready and that you're still somewhat violently opposed to the idea of a relationship. I'm going to be a lot more sad that things won't go that direction now than I was during the summer."
To which I responded with typical aplomb and finesse:
"Yeah...that's all pretty much true."
Silence from Spencer. I'm compelled to explain further.
"You know, the just not ready thing. I don't know. I just don't."
More silence. Kristen's speech is speeding up now.
"Well, and really, I just think that long distance is such a horrible idea, and I'd hate for you to spend that much money on gas and time and etc. to come see me, and I just think that when having a relationship is as much of a step as it is, long distance would just fair murder our chances."
Except that I'm fairly certain that that particularly colorful metaphor wasn't used.
So we've continued to talk and make out a bit and whatever since this time. For my birthday, he got me strings for my new guitar (the pawn shop strings sounded permanently flat) and some novelty picks, of which you received a photo attempt, and a remote-controlled car, randomly and awesomely enough. It's so weird and uncomfortable to be spoiled like this. Not horribly bad, necessarily, I just feel like it's too much and....gah. Dunno.
However. Let's discuss takeaway briefly. I don't even know what to think of all of that oddness.
Firstly: Family statements - "Kristen, you're letting some stupid, preconceived notions on what relationships should be like cloud your perception and you should really date Spencer." Kristen, however, feels that there's rather a crevasse of material between having preconceived notions regarding just how often a boy will bring you long-stemmed roses and having preconceived notions of the type Kristen was entertaining. Namely, that at the beginning, at the very least, you should be excited, at most, stupid, reckless, but never, ever described as "hesitant" with regard to the other person.
Secondly: Spencer did this freaky thing where he described me the way I often think of myself. That is, a somewhat dizzying amalgamation of types (nerdy, awkward, loud, funny, mildly attractive, singing, skanky, serious, surprisingly empathetic) and unexpected and even vaguely unpredictable for just the above reason.
Thirdly: Ha, Spencer also described me in much the way you once did - a lot better than first exposure would suggest. I believe that he told me that I "emerged from [my] obnoxious, brazen hussy cocoon of pretentiousness" and revealed myself to be surprisingly great.
Fourthly, and most importantly: I realized why I'm so okay with being single. Honestly...and this is undoubtedly about to sound all unfortunately twee, but there is in my life an enormous amount of sincere, uncomplicated love, from so many people I know. My family, my friends, all love me in an easy, cheerful, comfortable way, and I love them back the same. These are people who support and love me, for whom I would cheerfully provide anything from a poor, if listening, ear for advice and empathy to money, a car, hours, days, weeks of time, and beyond. In all those relationships, I know that the other person would do anything for me because I'd do anything for them. I will be there as long as they need me, and there is simplicity and happiness in the knowledge that we will be friends as long as they'd like (or family forever.)
But dating relationships are so annoyingly other.
Why?
Because with relationships, there is a balance of power. There is almost always a liker and a likee. The likee has all the blase and all the control. The liker has all the feelings and all the utter impotence unless games are played. Blech. Where is ease? Where is comfort? Where is happy? I frankly rather disdain being on either end. I hate that feeling of totally powerlessness when I play my last card - whether that happens to be an extra text that betrays how much I want a reply, a last-ditch attempt at showcasing my virtues, or, (rather unfortunately fact, this last) finding an excuse to prance around in my orange bikini. And because I so hate that deep feeling of futility, I take no pleasure whatsoever in holding all the cards, knowing that at some point I'm going to have to admit that the only reason I won was because he cared and I didn't.
I love my friends. I love my family. Easy. Uncomplicated. Dealing with boys (romantically) proves to be nothing but difficult and comparable to higher level string theory in complexity. Frankly, I'm content with the real, easy love. I have no patience for the fake, uncertain, difficult kind.
My singleness becomes less of a mystery with every passing hour :)
Sigh. Haha I should really put this email out of its misery. It's limping along, all woebegone and disconsolate and fair begging me for it, but I shall not do it the courtesy of facing it in another direction and talking about rabbits and sunsets just yet.
Last things:
Still haven't checked my grades. HA.
My birthday was amazing, went downtown to a condo of Carly's friends for high-end hot-tubbing.
Go back to school on Wednesday, have no school Tuesday/Thursday and am really excited that I'll have time to run, finally.
Oh, and chorus of my grumpy post-Grant song:
Fair, what's fair?
You changed your mind, but changed mine worse,
Of course, now that I care
Now I'm demoted, I'm not first
Many thanks for living proof
That love and justice both are blind
Without you I'd not know the truth
But with you, so am I.
Ha. Happy week, Happy New Year :)
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